


Crossroads

by Wonko



Category: Guiding Light
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-06
Updated: 2015-08-06
Packaged: 2018-04-13 07:25:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 62,822
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4513113
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Wonko/pseuds/Wonko
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After the spa trip, Natalia gets a call that forces her to leave town for a while and confront some issues from her past. Eventually she discovers that dealing with her past is the only thing that will allow her to have the future she wants.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Crossroads

**Author's Note:**

> TIMELINE: Begins immediately after the episode on the 12th of May and goes off into its own little world at that point.   
> DEDICATION: This is dedicated to the memory of badtyler, a great writer and an even better friend.

Natalia was glad Olivia loved her for her nurturing qualities and not her strength, because she didn't feel strong.  She'd never felt weaker than she did sitting in her kitchen alone, ingredients for an abandoned cake strewn around her while she begged Olivia's voicemail to abandon her eldest child and come home.  Because she needed her.  Promises made in their little spa bubble, sealed with...well, not a kiss, but with hand holding which for them was practically the same thing, were suddenly much harder to keep.

She'd promised they wouldn't take a step back.  She'd also said she wasn't afraid, and that was turning into a big lie.  But what was she really afraid of?

Buzz's disapproval and anger were only to be expected - she'd jilted his son for crying out loud.  His reaction to that would be the same whether she was in a relationship with Olivia or not.  Buzz hadn't cast her into this sea of weakness and doubt.

Doris had.

Coming out, she'd said.  Coming out?  Coming out of what?  What would she be coming into?  And what the hell did Doris Wolfe know about it anyway?  The woman was so far back in the closet she was practically in Narnia.

She banged her fist on the table, glad of the pain that shot up her arm.  Anything to distract her from these questions and thoughts and fears swirling through her mind like a tornado.  How could she possibly talk about these doubts with Olivia?  She'd break her heart, or at least push her away.  Olivia had made it pretty clear before they left for their weekend - _if you can't handle this then you need to let me know.  Now_.  That had been her chance.  She could have said _No, I can't handle it, let's just go back to being friends and let this love turn bitter and slowly kill us from the inside out_.  What kind of answer would that have been?  Maybe a truthful one.

But it was too late for that.  She'd gone away with Olivia, she'd held her hand, she'd made promises, she'd seen the light of hope dawn in those beautiful eyes she so adored.  And she couldn't bear the thought of the pain in those eyes if she told her how shaky the foundations of her promises really were.

_What do **you** think you are?_   Doris had asked.  For the first time in her life she didn't know.  How could she possibly promise Olivia anything when she didn't even recognise herself in the mirror anymore?  How could she seek to share her life, her heart, her soul with another person when she didn't know what her life would be like, or the true desires of her heart, or the secrets that swirled through her soul like marble?

She was sure only of one thing.  What she'd said to Olivia was true.  They were intertwined.  Linked, by Emma, by their history, by their friendship.  And by love.  But right now she felt like a diseased root grafted onto a healthy one.  Wouldn't it be better to tear them apart for the healthy one's sake?  Even if the operation wrenched pieces of it away?

Damaged was better than destroyed, right?

Her cellphone started to vibrate a second before it rang.  She jumped and blinked hard, her eyes watering.  She didn't know how long she'd been staring into space but her eyes were itching and her skin was crawling.  She glanced at the display.  _Olivia_.

She actually hesitated for a brief moment before she answered, her heart in her mouth.  "H-hi," she said shakily, her eyes fluttering closed as the rich contralto of Olivia's voice washed over her and soothed places she hadn't even realised were broken.  "It's really good to hear your voice," she admitted softly, trying hard not to cry.  She could hear the worry in the other woman's tone as clear as a bell, despite the technology and the miles and the time zones separating them.  "I'm okay," she lied, pressing her nails sharply into her palm.  "I just...I just had a little moment of weakness back there.  I saw Buzz...well, it didn't go too well."  She didn't mention Doris.  She couldn't explain why that visit had upset her, not yet.  "No," she continued.  "No, I didn't tell him about...us.  He was just mad about Frank and about, you know, how I betrayed the family."  She managed a tight, humourless laugh.  "Maybe I'll wake up with a horse's head in my bed."

She stood, leaving the detritus of her ingredients behind, and wandered into the living room.  She flopped down onto the sofa with a deep sigh.  "How's Ava?" she asked, and floated away on the waves of Olivia's reply for long moments.  "Hmm?" she said at last, when she realised that Olivia had said her name.  At least twice.  "Sorry," she said shyly.  "I'm just...I've got a lot on my mind."  She pulled a sofa cushion to her chest and curled round it.  "No," she sighed.  "You should stay with Ava.  I just...I just miss you, that's all.  And I wish..." She felt tears springing to her eyes, and she blinked them away, hoping her voice didn't betray her.  "I wish it could be just you and me," she said.  "I wish we didn't have to worry about anything else but loving each other."

There was a long silence on the other end of the phone.  "Olivia?" she said at last.  "I love you."  Relief blossomed in her chest as she heard the soft reply.  "I'll see you in a few days, okay?" she said.  "Give my love to Ava."  They exchanged the usual meaningless words of farewell and Natalia ended the call.

Olivia had offered to come home and every atom of Natalia's being had been screaming at her to say yes.  But she couldn't.  If Olivia was there, sure, things would be easier.  Maybe the world would still be terrifying, maybe everyone she knew would still be mad at her, but she'd have a refuge.  A way to escape the maelstrom of confusion and doubt that had taken her over since she'd returned to Springfield.

But Olivia deserved better.  And she couldn't talk to her about how she was feeling.  Her best friend, her rock, the one person she could count on whatever happened...and she couldn't share this with her.  She needed to deal with this alone.

So it was lucky then, she supposed, that she'd never felt more alone in her life.

* * *

Nearly two thousand miles away Olivia Spencer flicked her phone closed with a pensive look on her face.  The cafe was busy and conversation buzzed all around her, but she didn't hear it.  A cloud passed over the sun and she shivered, a sudden chill creeping up her spine.  She saw Ava picking her way through the tables, but couldn't manage to respond to the wave and bright smile on her face.

"You okay?" Ava asked as a waiter placed a martini in front of her.  They hadn't skimped on the olives, Olivia noticed.  Just the way she liked it.

"Yeah," she replied distractedly.  She stirred her drink slowly.  "It's just...I was talking to Natalia."

Ava rolled her eyes.  "What now?  You know you haven't stopped talking about her since you got here."

Olivia turned a deadly expression on her daughter.  "I've talked about other things."  Then she smiled quickly - too quickly for it be genuine.  "Like your fabulous new apartment.  Which I can't believe you can afford, by the way."

Ava raised an eyebrow but chose not to say anything.  If her mother wanted to be in denial about her obvious obsession with one Natalia Rivera...well, who was she to argue?

The return of the waiter saved them from further conversation.  "Are you ready to order, ladies?"

Olivia shook herself and returned her attention to the menu.  Natalia was fine, she told herself.  She just had a nasty shock when she got back to Springfield and discovered that things weren't going to be all puppies and rainbows.  She'd get over it.

Olivia told herself all that and much more, trying to ignore the cold creep of dread edging into the corners of her heart.  Everything would be fine.

It had to be.

* * *

Ava's apartment was large, bright, and airy with high ceilings and a view (if you stood on tiptoes and squinted a bit) of the bay in the distance.  It was a lovely apartment.  It was clean, and quiet, and in a good neighbourhood.  And she was getting on with Ava.  She should have been having a good time.  But after two days Olivia had just about finished helping her daughter unpack her things and deal with hooking up water, power and internet and she was, quite frankly, champing at the bit to get home.  She'd had a couple more conversations with Natalia but, far from soothing her lingering doubts, she'd just become more and more concerned.  The other woman had seemed distant.  It worried her.

"I wonder where your mind's wandered off to," Ava muttered, sitting down beside her mother on the couch.

"Huh?"  Olivia glanced at her.  It was clear that she hadn't actually heard what she'd said.  "Say again?"

Ava rolled her eyes.  "So, when were you planning to tell me?"

Olivia sat for a moment, perfectly still and quiet.  Then she looked away.  "How about now?"

A smirk twitched Ava's lips upwards.  "You're just full of surprises, aren't you?"

Olivia blushed, then felt angry with herself for blushing and so blushed harder.  "Apparently so," she said, standing and walking over to the window.

Ava got up and crossed the room quietly.  She stood behind and a little to the side of her mother, placing a steadying hand between her shoulder blades.  She felt tense and rigid.  "What are you worried about?" she asked.  "I live in San Fran-frickin'-sisco.  I have plenty of gay friends."

A little of the tension seemed to drain out of Olivia's body as she chuckled softly.  "Yeah, but it's not quite the same is it?  I'm your mother," she said.

Ava shrugged.  "So long as you're happy I really don't care what you do," she said.  "Or _who_ you do."

Olivia shot her a sharp sidelong look before she went back to staring out the window.  "We're nowhere near that stage yet," she admitted, a frown ghosting across her face.

Ava saw it and mirrored her expression.  "What's wrong?"

Olivia crossed her arms across her chest and walked away from the window.  She paced restlessly for a few moments, Ava watching her with growing concern.  "We went away together," she said at last, scraping her hands through her hair.  "It was...really nice.  Really nice, once we got over being so scared of being around each other."  She stopped pacing.  "I thought she was going to be okay with everything.  You know, with us being together and people knowing and stuff?"  She sat heavily back down on the sofa, pulling a cushion to her chest and resting her chin on it.  "I told her...I _told_ her...if she couldn't handle it she needed to tell me.  I can't let myself go deeper into this if she's going to yank it all away again.  I can't..."

Ava crossed the room in three strides and kneeled in front of her mother.  "And do you think that's what she's going to do?"

Olivia's eyes were open and vulnerable as she glanced at her daughter and when she spoke dread dripped from every syllable.

"I think she's getting cold feet."

* * *

Natalia woke slowly that morning and for a moment wasn't sure where she was.  The light was coming through the window at an unusual angle.  The colour of the walls was wrong.  Even the bed felt different.

When she finally remembered that she'd fallen asleep the night before in Olivia's room she flushed crimson and quickly sat  up.  Her clothes were wrinkled and she felt vaguely grimy, like there was a layer of invisible dirt coating her skin.  She hadn't meant to fall asleep there.  She'd just wanted to feel close to the other woman, to curl up round one of her pillows and breathe in her scent.

Everywhere she went in Springfield she felt like people were staring at her.  In the grocery store, in the bank, at Emma's school, eyes stuck to her like tics.  She'd never caught anyone at it.  Other things always seemed to be utterly fascinating to them when she spun round, anger painting her cheeks.  But she knew they were doing it.  She could feel their glances, their whispers, their disapproval like they were living things following her around and coiling round her ankles, trying to make her stumble.

And stumbling she was, with no Olivia there to hold her up.  But she was due back that afternoon - thank God.  All Natalia wanted to do was sink into her arms, feel those powerful yet gentle hands in her hair, those soft lips on her forehead.  She longed to simply melt into the other woman and pretend nothing else existed.  For a while, at least.

But no.  She knew she couldn't do that.  She couldn't use Olivia to calm her fears while still keeping those fears a secret.  Her heart already burned with all that she was keeping from the other woman - she wouldn't add to that guilt.

With a deep sigh Natalia glanced at the clock, then sat up so fast that all the blood rushed to her head and she felt dizzy.  Seven thirty-five.  Shit.  Emma was going to be late.

She was suddenly glad she was already dressed as she dashed into Emma's room to rouse the slumbering girl.  After picking out some clothes, making sure she brushed her teeth and throwing together the least healthy lunch the girl had ever received from her, Natalia quickly made a peanut butter and banana sandwich and thrust it into Emma's hands.  "Eat this in the car," she instructed, grabbing the girl's hand and dragging her out the door.  Seven fifty-five.  Double shit.

She broke at least five speed limits on the way to the school.  Emma didn't speak once throughout the journey but Natalia was too distracted to notice.  She was far too busy castigating herself for being a poor caretaker, for giving in to her selfish weakness the night before and falling asleep in the wrong room, for the chips and cookies she'd sent in Emma's lunch rather than her usual healthy choices.

When they pulled up outside the school - fifteen minutes late - Emma was almost on the point of tears.  "Are you mad at me?" she asked in a small, trembling voice.  Natalia turned to her in surprise.

"What?  Oh sweetie, no," she replied, leaning over to hug the girl awkwardly.

"You seem mad," Emma insisted, her voice watery.

Natalia squeezed her eyes shut, another layer of guilt settling round her shoulders like a familiar blanket.  "I'm mad at me," she admitted.  "Not you baby.  Not you."

They sat in the car clinging to each other for long minutes as the morning ticked away.  Finally Natalia squeezed the little girl one last time and pulled away, a smile pasted onto her face.  "Come on," she said.  "I'll come in with you and explain to your teacher why you're late, okay?"

Emma nodded.  Her eyes were sad, but Natalia didn't want to think about why.

* * *

"Could I talk to you for a moment Miss Rivera?"

Natalia turned, a frown creasing her brow.  Miss Jennings gently closed the classroom door and turned to her, a concerned smile on her face.  "Look, I'm sorry again that Emma was late," she began, but the teacher held up her hands.

"Please, everyone's a little late sometimes," she said.  "I actually wanted to talk to you about some...concerns...I have about Emma."

Natalia paled.  "What's the matter?  Is she okay?"

Miss Jennings nodded.  "I don't think it's too much to worry about.  I've just been hearing her talk recently...about her living arrangements."

Natalia suddenly felt a headache coming on.  "Maybe you should be talking to Emma's mother," she began, but the teacher shook her head.

"It mostly concerns you," she said.

Natalia sighed.  "Okay," she said.  "What can I do for you?"

Miss Jennings led her down the hall and opened the door to the teacher's lounge.  "Please have a seat," she said.  Natalia sank into a chair gratefully.  Miss Jennings remained standing, leaning her hip against a table, her arms crossed.  "I understand that Emma isn't living with you anymore," she began.

Natalia pinched the bridge of her nose.  "No," she said.  "I'm looking after her for a few days while her mom's away."

There was a pause and Natalia got the sense that the teacher was choosing her words carefully.  "I understand that the breakdown of a relationship - any kind of relationship - is especially difficult when a child is involved-"

"Breakdown?" Natalia interrupted, glaring at the teacher.  "Who said anything about a breakdown?"

Miss Jennings paled.  "I just assumed...I mean, since Emma and her mom have moved out-"

"You assumed what?  That we'd broken up?"  Natalia stood.  "I thought I'd made myself pretty clear about this before."

"Yes," the other woman replied.  "Yes you did.  I do apologise Miss Rivera.  Perhaps I should be speaking to Miss Spencer after all."

Natalia pressed her face into her palms.  "No, wait," she said.  She sat down again.  "I'm sorry.  My relationship with Olivia is...complicated at the moment."  _That's the understatement of the century_ , her mind remarked acidly.  "What did you want to say about Emma?"

Miss Jennings moved away from the table and sat opposite her.  "She's been unsettled," she explained gently.  "And I think the last few days have confused her quite a bit.  She doesn't understand why she and her mom aren't living with you anymore."

Natalia closed her eyes.  "It's...the thing is...Olivia and I-"

"You don't owe me any explanations," Miss Jennings interrupted gently.  "Whatever's happening in your private life is exactly that.  I just thought you should know...Emma is quite confused right now."

Natalia opened tired eyes.  "She's not the only one," she admitted.  Miss Jennings smiled.

"I have to get back to my class," she said.  "Please feel free to stay as long as you like."

Natalia sat back in the chair when she was gone, covering her face with her hands.  She'd done it again.  Given in to a gut reaction of anger in the face of an assumption that she and Olivia were in a relationship.  Except this time the assumption was accurate and she wasn't sure what was worse - the dread that had rushed over her like a wave when she realised what the teacher was implying, or the shame flooding through her now as she thought of how easily the denial had sprung to her lips.

"Oh, Olivia," she murmured.  "You were right.  I'm not ready for this."

The realisation sat heavily in her stomach for a long moment before her cellphone rang, breaking into her thoughts.  She frowned as she looked at the display.  It was a Chicago number...she thought she vaguely recognised it but couldn't remember from where.

"Hello?" she said.  The voice on the other end was familiar...a woman, with a slight accent.  It took Natalia a moment to place it but when she did the blood drained from her face.

" _Mom_?"

* * *

The gnawing feeling in the pit of Olivia's stomach was not in any way appeased by the text she received as soon as she was able to turn her phone back on after getting off the plane.  _Can you get a cab home?  Will explain when you get here._

Natalia had been scheduled to pick her up.  She'd even said she'd been looking forward to it.  " _I can't wait to see you_ ," she'd said, just the previous night.  Obviously she'd developed some patience since then.  It was a shame Olivia hadn't.

With a deep sigh she shouldered her bag and headed for the waiting rank of taxis.  She gave the address then leaned back in the seat, closing her eyes.,  "I'll tip you an extra ten bucks if you don't talk to me," she muttered.  Forty minutes later the cab pulled up outside the farmhouse and Olivia paid the extortionate fare - including inflated tip.

"Natalia?"  Olivia tried to keep the anticipation from her voice, but she had a feeling it crept in anyway.  She tightened her jaw.  She didn't want Natalia to know just how much she'd missed her.  Especially as it seemed like the feeling wasn't exactly mutual.

"Oh hi, you're back."  Natalia's voice was distracted as she came in from the kitchen carrying a sandwich wrapped in plastic.  She didn't seem pleased to see her.  The smile that had leapt to Olivia's lips at the sight of her dropped slowly from her face.

"Yeah, sure am," she said.

Natalia nodded absently, sitting on the couch and grabbing her purse.  She placed the sandwich inside it carefully.  Olivia suddenly noticed the suitcases by the door.

"You're going somewhere?"

Natalia closed her eyes wearily.  "I have to go to Chicago for a little while," she said.  "I wanted to ask you for a favour."

Olivia sat on the arm of the sofa.  "Okay."

Natalia opened her eyes.  "Can you stay here while I'm gone?" she asked.  "I don't know how long I'll be gone and I don't like the idea of the house being empty."

_Right_ , Olivia thought.  _Housesitting for a friend.  That's all she wants from me._   "Okay," she said aloud.

Natalia stood, smoothing down her clothes.  "Great," she said.  "One less thing to worry about..."

Olivia watched her packing up last minute things for a few minutes, waiting for her to say something else and getting more and more frustrated with the other woman.  "Aren't you going to tell me why you're going?" she said at last, when no explanation was forthcoming.

Natalia stilled.  She didn't look at Olivia as she replied.  "My dad died," she said simply.

Olivia was on her feet and by Natalia's side in an instant, her earlier annoyance forgotten.  Her hand came to rest on her shoulder.  "I'm so sorry," she breathed.  Natalia nodded and shrugged.  Olivia's hand fell away.

"Thanks," Natalia said.

"Do...do you know what happened?"  Olivia's voice was gentle.

Natalia shook her head and resumed her last minute packing.  "I just know it was sudden.  My mom called this morning."

Olivia hesitated before she said what was on her mind.  "I, uh, haven't ever heard you talk about your parents," she said softly.

Natalia shook her head.  "We...parted ways...before Rafe was born," she replied.  "I haven't seen or heard from them in eighteen years."

Olivia was still and quiet for a moment while she processed that.  "And you're still going to come running when she calls?" she said at last, unable to hide all her incredulity from her voice.

Natalia pinned her with a steady gaze.  "She's my mom," she said simply, as if that said it all.  And for Natalia, Olivia supposed, it probably did.  She managed a tight smile.

"You're a better person than I am," she said.  "But I've always known that."

Ordinarily Natalia would have argued with that but today she simply didn't have the energy.  She settled for simply patting Olivia's hand as she grabbed her bags and headed for the door.

"Wait!"  Natalia paused at the door and looked back.  Olivia smiled almost shyly.  "Aren't you going to say goodbye?"

Natalia seemed to hesitate briefly, then set her bags down.  She crossed back to Olivia in two strides and ran her fingers through a lock of her hair, tucking it behind her ear.  "Goodbye," she said softly, and pressed her lips to Olivia's cheek.  Only the protraction of the kiss and the trembling of her hands betrayed that the gesture could be anything other than friendly.

"You're coming back, right?"

The question was out before Olivia had a chance to think about it and as soon as she spoke she wanted to claw the words back into her mouth.  What an absurd question.  Of course she was coming back.

"Of course I'm coming back," Natalia said softly.  She tilted Olivia's chin up, forcing her to meet her eyes.  After another brief hesitation she leaned forward again, and this time the kiss was for her lips.  It was a peck, over almost before it began, but Olivia felt her heart clench almost painfully at the simple touch.  Natalia's fingers traced the planes of her face.  "Can't get rid of me, remember?" she whispered.

Olivia released a breath she hadn't been aware she was holding.  "Right," she agreed.

Natalia watched Olivia for a moment, an unreadable expression on her face.  Then she pulled away, leaning down to retrieve her suitcases.  "I'll call you when things have settled down a bit," she said.

"Okay."  Olivia nodded.  She resisted the urge to reach out to Natalia again, to pull her back into her arms and never let her go.  "Text me when you get there though, okay?  So I know when to stop worrying."

Natalia nodded as she left, her mind already in Chicago and what was waiting for her there.

Olivia watched her go.  She had a feeling that, despite what she'd said, she probably wasn't going to be able to stop worrying about her the whole time she was gone.

* * *

Emma was delighted to see Olivia picking her up from school, but she was even more delighted to discover that they were both going back to the farmhouse.  "Do we get to stay forever?" she asked, her breath coming quickly in her excitement.  "Have you and Natalia stopped arguing?"

Olivia frowned.  "We're not arguing, baby," she said.  "Why would you think that?"

Emma shrugged.  "You must be," she said simply.  "You're acting weird.  We're living at the hotel.  If you weren't arguing we'd have moved back already."

Olivia closed her eyes briefly.  She didn't think she was ready for this conversation.  But she didn't want Emma to go on believing that she and Natalia were mad at each other.  "We haven't been arguing, baby," she explained.

Emma frowned.  "Then why did we have to move out?" she asked.

Olivia took a deep breath.  "Emma..." she began.  "You know Natalia and I both love you very much right?"  The child nodded.  Olivia stroked her hair and managed a smile.  "Well...Natalia and I also love each other very much."

Emma shrugged.  "I know," she said.

"You do?"

Emma looked at her mother as if she were slightly slow.  "You're family," she said.

Olivia nodded.  "Yes," she agreed.  "We are a family.  And we're friends."  Another deep breath.  "But we also love each other in a different way."

There.  It was out now.  Surprisingly, Olivia felt a little better.  A little lighter maybe.

"What different way?"

Olivia smiled gently.  "Well...in one of those weird, grown-up ways that even we don't understand," she explained.  "And that's what we've been trying to do for the last little while."

Emma shrugged.  "Okay," she said.  "Can we have spaghetti for dinner?"

Olivia reeled slightly at the sudden change of topic.  _Adaptable little people indeed_ , she thought, and smiled.  "I love you Jellybean," she said.

"Love you too mommy."

Olivia kissed her daughter's forehead.  "Spaghetti it is," she said.

They went to Towers where, thankfully, there were no children and their video games or new cats to entice Emma away from her mom's table.  Olivia's cellphone buzzed just as they finished their meal.  _Have arrived safely_ , the message said.

_OK.  I love you_ , Olivia sent back.

She checked her phone repeatedly throughout the rest of the evening, but she didn't receive a reply.

* * *

Natalia had been living in a small town too long.  How else could she explain the sheer claustrophobia that was sneaking up on her the closer she got to the place that for so many years she'd considered home?  The traffic made her nervous.  She spent the first hour of the drive through the metropolitan area getting cut up and honked at almost every five minutes.  It was like she'd forgotten how to drive in a city - and maybe she had.  She couldn't remember the last time she'd had to deal with traffic of more than ten or twenty cars.

Her nerves built with every mile that disappeared under her wheels.  With every passing moment the traffic grew denser, the buildings grew taller, the crowds grew thicker, and she could feel her palms starting to sweat.  She wiped them on the leg of her jeans when her hands started to slip on the steering wheel.

She hated this, she realised suddenly.  The cars and the noise and the people and the thunder of the El above her head.  Her head was thumping and she longed to be back at her farmhouse.  Her safe, comfortable and above all _quiet_ farmhouse.  With Olivia.

She lost concentration for a fraction of a second as the memory of kissing Olivia goodbye washed over her, and had to brake hard to avoid rear ending the car in front of her as it stopped at a red light.  It had been such a simple kiss really - and yet the mere thought of it was enough to draw all the air from her lungs.  Olivia's soft, full lips fluttering so briefly under hers...

A honk from behind her alerted her to the fact that her light had turned green and she flushed darkly, holding a hand up in front of her rear view mirror to apologise.  "Sorry!" she called, even though she knew the other driver couldn't hear her.

She consciously pushed Olivia from her mind for the rest of the drive and when she pulled up outside a very familiar apartment building on the Lower West side she sent a quick text then switched her phone off.  She couldn't have any distractions right now.

Her hands shook alarmingly as she gathered her things from the trunk and slowly climbed the stairs to the fifth floor.  Before she was really ready for it she found herself at the door.  She hesitated for a moment.  Should she knock?  Or just go in?  She knew the door was never locked when someone was home - she could just walk in as if the last eighteen years of separation had never happened.  As if there was no bad blood between them at all.

She knocked.

The door opened almost instantly and Natalia had the impression that her mother had probably been watching her through the peephole.  She blushed.  How long had she been standing there dithering on the doorstep?

"You took your time."

Natalia took a step back.  She should have expected this, she realised.  When had she ever been able to do anything right after all?  It was foolish to imagine anything but a criticism could drop from this woman's lips.  _It's good to see you_.  Over her dead body. _I missed you_   Maybe when hell froze over.  _I'm sorry._ Not if she waited for eternity.

"I had some things to take care of at home," Natalia said.

Her mother flicked back her long dark hair - greying at the roots, Natalia noticed.  That was new.  "Well, are you going to stand in the hallway all day?"  She stepped back and disappeared into the apartment, not waiting to see if her daughter followed.  Natalia sighed as she gathered her things and stepped over the threshold.

Birds flew, fish swam, and Josephine Rivera was rude.  Natalia had long ago accepted that she couldn't help it.  There were some things that would just never change.

* * *

She had arrived at her childhood home over an hour ago and Natalia had so far managed to avoid speaking to her mother completely - a feat of which she was almost proud.  It took real dedication to avoid another person in a tiny two bedroom apartment with walls as thin as paper but she had managed it.  Her mother had gone to the living room and Natalia had retreated to where she felt the most comfortable - the kitchen.

The pantry was well stocked, as were the fridge and freezer.  She could easily whip up a simple, quick meal for them both.  But that would mean she'd have to go and speak to her mother sooner rather than later, and she knew she'd rather pull her own fingernails out with rusty pliers.

She found an apron hanging on a hook behind the door, tied it round her waist and then gathered ingredients and utensils for a lasagne.  She vaguely recalled that her mother liked lasagne, and it would take her a little while, which was a big plus.

It was so hard to believe that just that morning she'd been in her own home, in her own kitchen, throwing an unhealthy lunch together for Emma and quietly looking forward to Olivia coming back - even if she wasn't quite sure what that meant for her, or for them.

She knew she loved Olivia.  She knew it in the same way she knew that the sky was blue or that grass was green.  What was uncertain was just exactly what she was willing to do to keep storm clouds from turning that sky grey, or a drought from turning the grass dead and brown.  Could she walk down the street with Olivia without caring if people looked at them twice?  Could she take her hand in public without trembling?  Could she handle people thinking she was a...a-

_Lesbian!_ a voice _-_ a familiar voice, a voice a lot like Olivia's _-_ inher mind snapped.  _It's not a dirty word._

Maybe not, but it wasn't a word she could apply to herself.  And she couldn't help the defensiveness that crept into her heart when she thought of people assuming that she did.  Why wasn't just loving Olivia enough?  Why did it have to come with all this extra confusion?

_Because we can't live under a rock_ , her mind supplied. _No-matter how much you'd like to.  Consequences are a fact of life.  You've known that since you were sixteen years old._

With a quick shake of her head she returned her attention to cooking.

"I made you some dinner," she said a little while later, placing a portion of lasagne carefully on the table next to her mother's armchair.  Josephine glanced at it.

"Too much cheese," she muttered, and returned her attention to the TV.

Natalia sighed as she sank onto the couch.  "Please don't start with this mom," she said, covering her face with her hands.

"Start with what?"

Natalia squeezed her eyes shut.  "Just eat the food I put so much time and effort into making for you, would you?  Please?"

There was no reply, but when Natalia heard the scrape of cutlery against the plate she managed a small smile.  That was a start.

* * *

" _But he never knew that it really was his own Bunny, come back to look at the child who had first helped him to be Real._ "

Olivia finished the last sentence and closed the book softly.  She looked down at her daughter who was already fast asleep and smiled.  She never got to sleep so easily in the hotel.  She always needed at least three stories and even then she wouldn't sleep unless Olivia was actually in the bed with her.  She'd become a master of the art of sneaking out from under a slumbering nine year old without waking her in the last week.

But now Emma was back in the farmhouse, in her element, and it couldn't be more obvious just how at home she felt.  Olivia sighed.  It was going to be a wrench, yet again.  Leaving this place had been hard enough on Emma the first time.  How was she going to explain to her that they had to leave again when Natalia came back from Chicago?

And how was she going to cope with it herself?

She had to face it - leaving this place had been just as hard, if not harder, on her than on Emma.  This was the only place she'd ever felt at home.  The only place she'd ever felt at peace.  She knew it was because of Natalia, but the feeling lingered even when she wasn't there.  She'd spent the evening consciously reminding herself _I don't live here, I don't live here, I don't live here_.  It wasn't helping.

She could feel Natalia in every brick of the house.  Her presence surrounded and enveloped her like a warm blanket, floating into her subconscious so subtly that it undid all her efforts to distance herself from this place.

Olivia sighed deeply as she slipped between the sheets.  She rolled onto her side, pulling one of the pillows to her chest.  She thought she could smell Natalia's perfume, but shook herself to clear the notion.  Ridiculous.

She was on the edge of sleep when her cellphone rang.  She reached for it blearily in the darkness.  "Hello," she mumbled, her eyes squinting open.

" _Oh...sorry.  Were you asleep?_ "

Olivia sat up, suddenly completely alert.  "Natalia!"  Her heart leapt.  "No, it's okay, I'm awake."

" _Okay..._ "  There was a pause.  Olivia listened to the slight crackle of the phone line and Natalia's breathing.

"How's your mom?" she asked after a moment.  Natalia sighed.

" _She's...herself,_ " she said, then laughed humourlessly.  " _I don't know why I expected anything else._ "

Olivia smiled.  "And you?  Are you okay?"

" _I- I'm fine,_ " Natalia said.  " _I feel like I lost my dad a long time ago_."  The admission was quiet, but Olivia heard the pain in her voice and frowned.  But before she could say anything Natalia brightened and spoke again.  " _This is completely surreal,_ " she said.  " _I'm sitting in my old bedroom right now - and it's exactly the same as when I left it._ "  She laughed.  " _There's even a poster of Joey McIntyre on the wall._ "

Olivia smiled.  "You were a fan?"

" _Oh come on, everyone was a fan in the early 90s, weren't they?"_

Olivia's smile widened.  "I wasn't," she said.

" _Yeah, but you're **old**_ ," Natalia said and chuckled at Olivia's offended gasp.  Suddenly she broke into song.  " _Hey girl in your eyes I see a picture of me all the time.  And girl when you smile, you got to know that you drive me wild..._ "

Olivia laughed and lay back, pressing her ear into the pillow to block out background noise.  She closed her eyes and pretended that Natalia was there, lying next to her.  "I didn't know you could sing," she said softly.  She could almost see Natalia's smile.

" _There are a lot of things you don't know about me,_ " she said.

"I want to know everything," Olivia replied, without thinking.  There was a sharp intake of breath on the other end of the phone.

" _I...I'd like that,_ " Natalia said at last, and Olivia thought her heart might just burst with love.  " _I'm sorry,_ " Natalia continued.  " _That I didn't reply to your text before.  I switched off my phone.  I just...just needed a little space._ "

Olivia opened her eyes.  "You can have as much space as you need," she said softly.  "You know that.  But...I'm here for you.  Whenever you want."

There was another long pause.  " _I know,_ " Natalia said at last.  " _I know you are.  I-_ " she broke off, and took a deep breath.  " _I do love you, Olivia,_ " she said earnestly.  " _You know that, right?_ "

Olivia frowned.  "Yes," she said hesitantly.  "I'm just not sure why..."

" _Because you're everything to me_ ," Natalia replied instantly.  " _Because you're the one person who sees me for who I am...good and bad.  Because you've given me so much and never asked for anything in return._ "

Olivia took a breath.  "I could say exactly the same about you," she said softly.  "I love you."

" _I know_ ," Natalia breathed.

Olivia lay there for a long moment, a feeling of peace and contentment creeping through her limbs.  Maybe everything was going to be all right after all.  Maybe Natalia was coming to terms with things.  Maybe she'd just been being paranoid.  "You should get some sleep," she said at last.  Natalia sighed.

" _I guess so.  If I can manage it with Joey's eyes boring into me all night._ "

Olivia laughed.  "Goodnight," she said softly.

" _Goodnight_."

Olivia set the phone on the nightstand, a small smile playing on her lips, and sank back into the pillows.  For the first time since they'd left the spa, sleep came easily.

* * *

Natalia ended the call with a frown creasing her forehead.  She bit her lip.  "Oh, you deserve so much better than me," she whispered.  Guilt flooded through her, which strangely comforted her.  It had been such a constant companion most of her life, she almost didn't feel right unless she was feeling guilty about something.

Sleep was difficult to come by, and not just because of her surroundings.  The bed felt strange and deeply uncomfortable.  Olivia had insisted she get a decent mattress when they were furnishing the farmhouse and she hadn't realised just how used to that she'd got.  This mattress was lumpy and hard in all the wrong places.  And it was a single bed - she worried she'd end up on the floor by morning.

When sleep finally came it brought with it dreams, and not the pleasant kind.  She saw her father's face, his eyes full of tears, shame radiating from every pore as he looked down at his only child.  She saw her mother turning her back on her.  She saw Olivia and Emma walking away, their shoulders hunched.  _Wait!_ her dream self shouted, though to whom she couldn't say.  _I'm sorry!_   And then there was nothing but the sound of gentle sobbing, though she wasn't sure who it was coming from.

She woke up suddenly, her eyes snapping open.  The sobbing remained, and she had to touch her own face before she realised that it wasn't coming from her.

"Mom..." she whispered, and slipped out of bed.

Her parents' bedroom was just next door and the walls were paper thin.  She'd always been able to hear everything that went on in that room - much to her deep, deep embarrassment when she was old enough to figure out what some of those noises meant.

She pushed the door open slowly.  If she was in her own house she'd have to wait a moment to let her eyes adjust to the darkness.  She'd never known darkness and peace as complete as that she'd found at her farmhouse in the night.  It was her little bubble, her refuge, a place where the rest of the world didn't exist.  But here the amber light of countless street lamps lit the room in a dim glow and she could see her mother, curled up in a foetal position, hugging something to her body and sobbing as if her heart had broken.

And it had, Natalia suddenly realised in a rush.  Her mother was cold, she was distant, she was rude, she'd never appreciated anything Natalia had ever done...but she'd just lost her husband.  Natalia knew exactly what that felt like.

"Oh, mommy," she murmured as she crossed the room in two strides, sliding into bed beside her.  Josephine didn't even look at her, but she opened her arms and pulled Natalia to her in a crushing embrace.  Natalia found her face pressed up against the piece of fabric her mother had been holding.  One of her father's shirts.  She breathed deeply through her nose.

Her father's scent - shaving foam and Old Spice and cigarettes - still clung to the material.  Unexpected tears sprung to her eyes.  She was cast suddenly back into memory...sitting on her father's lap gazing into his eyes as if he were the most fascinating creature she'd ever seen...riding on his shoulders as he walked the ten blocks from school to home...clinging to his legs as he tried to leave the apartment to start his night shift at the factory.

"Daddy," she whispered.  "Oh God, daddy..."

Her mother clung to her, her hands clutching at her back, nails scratching against her skin.  Natalia returned the embrace, and if there was some pain in its strength and intensity...well, that was okay.

Where her mother was concerned, Natalia knew, pain was only to be expected.

* * *

Natalia woke the next morning to the sound of a loud argument and honking barging in the open window and an unfamiliar warm body at her back.  "Olivia?" she murmured sleepily, then flushed deeply as she remembered where she was was.  Not Olivia.  Her mother.

She turned quickly, wide awake, heart thumping.  Her mother was still asleep.  She hadn't heard her little slip.  Thank God.  Relief made her heart flutter, and she slipped out of bed before her mother could wake.

She stumbled through to the kitchen to start breakfast.  It had been a strange night, to say the least.  She didn't know why she'd been so surprised to find her mother distraught.  Her husband had died.  Surely even someone as emotionally distant as her mother couldn't fail to feel that kind of loss.  And obviously she did feel it.  Even if she hadn't seemed to feel anything at the loss of her only child, all those years ago.

Natalia shook herself.  No point thinking of that now.  A curl of embarrassment crept up on her as she thought of how she'd regressed the night before.  _Mommy.  Dear God, you haven't called her that since you were twelve_ , her mind remarked.  _And daddy?  Really, daddy?  After what he did?_

"What are you making?"

Natalia turned to see her mother come into the kitchen, wrapped in an old greying robe.  She'd washed her face and put on a little makeup.  Natalia shook her head.  How typical.  Just make sure everything appears okay on the surface - it could have been her mother's motto.

"Pancakes," Natalia replied.  She didn't plan on making them heart shaped.

Josephine grunted, which meant she couldn't think of anything vicious to say.  "Remember the-"

"-maple syrup," Natalia interrupted.  "I know."  She looked over at her mother and caught her eye.  Something indefinable clouded over her face and then was gone, locked down by a tightening lip and narrowing eyes.  Natalia sighed.  So they were going to pretend last night hadn't happened.  They were actually going to pretend that they hadn't fallen asleep sobbing in each other's arms.

No.  No, Natalia decided firmly.  That wasn't going to happen.

"How did he die?" she asked softly.

Her mother didn't answer for several long moments.  "It was sudden," she said at last.  "They're going to do an autopsy you know."  Natalia nodded slowly and her mother took a breath.  "He had been feeling weak and breathless for a while.  I wanted him to give up smoking...I thought that might help..."

Natalia nodded again, suddenly recalling a long abandoned fear.  She remembered lying awake, listening to her father coughing and spluttering in the room next door, and vowing never to touch a cigarette.  "And did he?"

Josephine's lip curled in a sneer.  "What do you think?" she said, but there was no venom in her voice.  She was too tired for that.

Natalia nodded.  "Okay..." she breathed.

"That last day," her mother continued in a far away voice, "he couldn't even get out of bed.  I found him...just lying there, in our bed.  His eyes were open..."

Natalia felt her heart clench in sympathy.  She held out her hand instinctively, then slowly lowered it to her side.  "I'm sorry," she said.  "I...I know how that must have felt..."

"How could you possibly know?" her mother snapped.

Sympathy turned to anger as quick as a flash, but Natalia damped it down hard.  She clenched her fist behind her back.  "You don't know anything about my life," she said, her voice calm and steady.  "I'm a widow too, mom."

Her mind travelled back just over a year to that room in Cedars hospital, to the beep of machines keeping her husband's body alive, to the decision she'd agonsied over in those seemingly infinite moments of despair.  New life had come of that death, and not just for Olivia.  Something had woken up inside her too as the weeks and months passed and her life became intertwined with Olivia's in ways she'd never have imagined.  And suddenly she knew - she _knew_ \- that Olivia's life had been worth everything.  That if she had a choice now, today, between Gus's life and Olivia's that she wouldn't even hesitate.  That there would be no choice to make at all.

Josephine was watching her, an unreadable expression on her face.  "You...you had a husband?" she said softly.

Natalia snapped back to the present like a broken rubber band.  "Yes," she said.  "I was married to the father of my child."

There.  She'd said it.  The issue of Rafe had been sitting unvoiced between them since she'd arrived and now it was out.  Where they went now was up to her mother.

"You...you didn't bring him," she said.  "Your son."

Natalia shook her head.  "I didn't think there'd be room for him here," she said.  She hoped her mother knew she meant more than just physical space in this tiny apartment.  From the closed expression that flitted over her face she guessed she did.

"No, there probably isn't," she said, and then turned her back and left the kitchen.

Natalia released a long breath through her mouth and then drew in an even longer one through her nose.  She frowned.  Shit.  The stupid pancakes were burning.

* * *

Work at The Beacon had always been quietly satisfying to Olivia but now, without Natalia, it was tiring and tedious.  She had to drag herself to the hotel every morning, and when she got there she resented everything - her appointments, her staff, and above all the ticking of the clock counting off the seconds, minutes, hours and days of Natalia's absence.

"Yes, what?" she snarled into the phone an instant after it rang.  She could practically see the poor desk clerk shaking.  "Who?  Well what does she want?"  Olivia sighed.  "Fine, send her up."

She slammed the phone back into its cradle.  A few minutes later a knock sounded at the door.  "Come in," she growled, bracing herself.

Doris breezed in, a predatory smile on her face.  "So, is it true?" she asked without preamble, sitting in the chair opposite Olivia's without waiting for an invitation.

"Is what true?"  Olivia leaned back in her chair.

Doris's lips twitched.  "That your little girlfriend ran off to Chicago the moment you got back," she said.  "What's wrong, did you try to jump her or something?"

Olivia fixed her with a disdainful look.  "Her father died," she replied, her voice dripping with contempt.

Doris returned Olivia's glare with one of her own.  "How convenient."

Anger rose up in Olivia's chest, greeting her like a familiar friend.  "My God, you really are a piece of work," she began, but Doris held up her hands.

"Sorry," she said, sounding about as far from sorry as it was possible to be.  "I just think she might be a little relieved to get out of town for a while.  She certainly seemed uncomfortable the last time I saw her."

Olivia frowned, anger departing and leaving confusion in its wake.  "You...you saw Natalia?  When?"

A slow smile spread over Doris's face.  "Oh, she didn't tell you?"  She sounded positively gleeful.  "I stopped by the day you guys left your little spa vacation."

"Why?"

Doris's smile widened.  "Official mayoral business," she said cryptically, then leaned forward.  "I'm afraid I interrupted some _baking_."  She said the word like she might have said _roach-spraying_.

Olivia flushed, remembering Natalia's almost desperate sounding message that day, and the distance that had crept into her conversations since.  "Did you say something to her?" she began, leaning forward.  "Because if you did-"

"Whoah, cowgirl," Doris raised her hands.  "Not guilty."

Olivia looked for a moment as if she wasn't going to accept that answer, but finally she sighed, flopping back into her chair.  "Fine," she said weakly.  "What did you want, Doris?"

"Well, I did really want to see how you're getting on without your little wife," Doris replied, a gleam in her eye.

"She's not my wife!"

"Oh, but you so wish she was," Doris replied smoothly, and grinned when Olivia didn't dispute it.  "But I also came here to discuss a fundraiser I'd like to hold at The Beacon next month."

Olivia rolled her eyes.  "The election's not until next year," she muttered.

"Never too early to drum up support," Doris replied.  "Unless you don't want my business..."

"No," Olivia said, holding up her hands.  "No, let me just take the details..."

Doris smiled gleefully as she watched Olivia hunting in her desk drawer for a pen.  No Natalia around, and the opportunity for lots of private business meetings with one Ms Spencer.  Did life get any better than this?

* * *

"Watch out for that cyclist." 

Natalia gritted her teeth hard enough that she thought she might actually grind off a layer of enamel.  "He's on the other side of the road, mom.  And behind me.  Going the other way." 

Her mother exhaled through her teeth, a sure sign that something suitably acidic was about to come out of her mouth.  "Maybe if you were looking where you were going," she said. 

"I'm a very safe driver!"  Natalia winced at the juvenile defensiveness creeping into her tone.  "I've been in exactly one accident in my entire life - and you were driving at the time."  She unconsciously fingered the small scar on her forearm that was the memento of that particular incident - her mother had been so busy chastising her father for some imagined slight that she hadn't watched where she was going and had run straight into a telephone pole at forty miles per hour.  No need to mention she'd caused a similar accident herself when she first arrived in Springfield, she decided.  It would just give her mother ammunition. 

"That wasn't my fault," Josephine said.  Natalia couldn't help but look at her incredulously, then had to slam her foot on the brakes to avoid running straight into the back of the pickup truck in front of her.  Josephine actually smiled.  "Safe driver?" she remarked caustically. 

Natalia ground her teeth some more and said nothing at all. 

It was a short drive from the apartment to the morgue, thankfully, so Natalia didn't have to endure much of her mother's _advice_ concerning her driving style and competence.  The county medical examiner had called that morning to tell them that the autopsy had been carried out and that a death certificate had been prepared.  Natalia had offered to collect it by herself, but her mother had insisted on coming along. 

"Are you sure you don't want to wait in the car?" she asked as she unbuckled her seatbelt.  Her only reply was a withering look as her mother threw open the door, heedless of the traffic.  "I guess that's a no then," Natalia muttered as she locked the car and trotted after her. 

They were ushered into a small waiting room with hard plastic seats and dingy wallpaper.  They were the only two people there, which made avoiding talking to or looking at each other quite difficult, but they managed it.  Finally a clerk came in and sat across from them, a sympathetic look pasted onto his face.  "Sorry to keep you waiting Mrs Rivera, Ms Rivera," he said, nodding at them both in turn before turning to Natalia's mother.  "As you know an autopsy is required in all cases of sudden death before a death certificate can be issued.  That autopsy was performed on your husband yesterday and we're now in a position to release him to you for burial." 

Josephine nodded impatiently.  "Yes, yes," she said, waving her hand absently.  "I know all that.  I want to know what caused my husband's death." 

The clerk smiled stiffly and handed her the death certificate.  "Here you are ma'am." 

Josephine glanced at it before passing it to Natalia with a choked laugh.  "They take three days to do it and they can't even explain it in English," she said. 

Natalia looked down at the paper.  _Emilio Rivera_ , it read. _DoB: 4/4/1950, DoD: 5/14/2009.  Cause of death: Congestive Heart Failure due to Dilated Cardiomyopathy_. 

The blood drained from Natalia's face like someone had pulled a plug. 

"I ask you, what is that supposed to _mean_?" she heard her mother complaining. 

She took a breath.  "It means," she said.  "That he needed a heart transplant." 

Natalia suddenly felt two pairs of surprised eyes on her.  She looked up to see her mother and the clerk both staring at her.  "That's correct," the clerk said gently. 

Mother and daughter's eyes met.  "I've got to get out of here," Natalia mumbled, thrusting the certificate back to her mother and all but running from the room.  She heard Josephine calling her name but didn't look back.  Instead she broke into a trot, fumbling in her bag for her phone.  As soon as she was in the sanctuary of her car she hit the number one speed dial and closed her eyes. 

"Come on, answer," she mumbled as it rang and rang and rang. 

" _Hello?_ "  Olivia sounded slightly breathless. 

"Oh thank God," Natalia said before she could think better of it.  "Olivia..." 

" _What is it?  What's wrong?_ "  If she concentrated very hard Natalia could practically see Olivia's concerned face. 

"Nothing," she breathed.  "Everything's fine now.  I just...just needed to hear your voice."  Her heart was doing a sprint in her chest, but she knew she couldn't explain to Olivia why she'd needed to talk to her.  Was there a tactful way of saying to someone " _I just found out that_ _my father died of the same heart condition that nearly killed you_ "?  If there was Natalia was much too overwrought to think of it. 

" _Are you sure you're okay?_ " Olivia said softly. 

Natalia nodded even though Olivia couldn't see her.  "I'm okay," she said.  "Sorry," she added belatedly.  "You're probably in a meeting at this time of day, huh?" 

" _Nothing that's more important than you_ ," was the reply.  Natalia smiled. 

"Really?" 

" _Of course._ "  There was a pause and then Olivia added hesitantly: " _There's nothing more important than you, Natalia._ " 

Natalia raised an eyebrow.  "Nothing?" she challenged. 

Olivia chuckled.  " _Okay, you and Emma and Ava,_ " she admitted.  " _And...you know, Rafe too._ " 

Natalia's breath caught in her throat.  "Yeah?" 

Olivia sounded embarrassed.  " _Yeah_ ," she said.  Natalia imagined the blush that would be creeping up her chest.  " _My list of important people seems to be growing by the second.  Hard to believe that once upon a time there was only one name on that list._ " 

Natalia laughed.  "Your own, right?" 

" _Got it in one_ ," Olivia replied.  Then her voice softened.  " _I love you..._ " 

Natalia's attention was distracted by the clunk of the passenger side door.  She looked up, her heart leaping to her mouth as her mother slid into the seat opposite and fixed her with a questioning look. 

" _Natalia?_ " said Olivia.  " _Did you hear me?_ " 

Natalia took a breath.  "Yeah," she said.  "Uh...ditto.  I'll talk to you later."  She quickly ended the call. 

* * *

Olivia looked at her cellphone for a very long time after Natalia hung up, as if it could provide the answer to the only question that was running through her mind.  _Ditto?  What the hell does that mean?_ No-matter what doubts or concerns or reservations she had, Natalia had never failed to respond to an _I love you_ before. 

Her confusion must have shown on her face because Doris pounced on it the moment she stepped back into her office, much as a lioness would pounce on a wounded zebra.  "Girl trouble?" she asked, a deceptively innocent smile on her face. 

"Nothing you'd understand," Olivia replied. 

Doris raised an eyebrow.  "You think so?" 

Olivia smiled sweetly at her as she slipped back into her chair.  "I do," she said.  "It involves two people who actually love each other." 

Doris sat back.  "Oh," she said.  "I see.  You think I've never been in love?" 

Olivia's smile faltered.  "Have you?" she asked. 

Doris laughed, but bitterly.  "Her name was Lydia," she said.  "Pretty typical story really...girl meets girl, girls fall in love, girl gets cold feet...girl loses girl." 

Olivia tried not to feel sympathetic but found she couldn't.  _Dammit Natalia, why did you have to force that niceness under my skin_ , she thought.  "She couldn't handle it?" 

Doris frowned.  "What?  No, you misunderstand me.  I was the one who got cold feet." 

Olivia leaned forward, interested despite herself.  "You?" 

Doris laughed and gestured to herself.  "Haven't you seen the closet I'm carting around with me?" 

"I don't know, you always seem to be in the same outfit," Olivia quipped. 

"Oh ha ha," Doris replied.  "Do you want to hear my tragic love story or not?" 

Olivia held up her hands.  "Fine, fine," she said.  "Go ahead." 

"Thank you," Doris replied primly.  "To cut a long story short, she wanted more than I could give her.  She wanted a real life, not one lived in the shadows.  But I had a teenage child to think of.  And my reputation."  She leaned back.  "I told her that I loved her, that I just needed time.  But in the end...love wasn't enough."  She shrugged.  "So maybe I do know a little something about what you're going through." 

Olivia shook her head.  "No," she said, but didn't sound sure at all.  "That won't happen to us." 

Doris opened her mouth to say something, then seemed to change her mind.  "Whatever you say," she said instead, and stood.  "Maybe I'll come by and talk about these arrangements another time.  You seem a little distracted." 

Olivia shook herself.  "Right," she said.  "Thanks." 

Doris looked back from the doorway as she left.  Olivia was staring into space, a pensive look on her face.  For a moment Doris felt a brief twinge of regret about what she was trying to do. 

It didn't last long. 

* * *

After several days of limbo while they waited for the results of the autopsy suddenly there was so much to do that Natalia hardly had time to think.  Between choosing readings and hymns for the requiem Mass, discussing the service with the priest, deciding which family members should read or speak, dealing with the funeral home, choosing a coffin, selecting flowers and keeping her mother calm and happy Natalia barely managed to sit down over the few days following the release of her father's body.  Hours and days bled into one another until suddenly, as she sat at the dressing table one night, she realised she hadn't spoken to Olivia for three whole days. 

Her head snapped round immediately to check the clock.  After midnight.  Much too late to call.  Damn. 

All of a sudden she was hungry for the sound of the other woman's voice and it seemed almost an impossibility that she would be able to wait until the morning for it.  She toyed with her cellphone for half a minute, thinking of calling anyway and waking her up, but then she remembered how she'd left their last conversation and winced.  Maybe she shouldn't add waking Olivia in the middle of the night to the list of things she'd have to explain away. 

Natalia scraped her hands through her hair and wondered what had happened to the woman who, at the age of only sixteen, had stood up to her parents and struck out on her own.  What had happened to the woman who'd raised a sickly child all by herself for sixteen years, defying all the odds?  What had happened to Olivia's superhero? 

She watched her reflection in the mirror for a very long moment.  "Who are you?" she whispered, staring into her own eyes.  Unsurprisingly, her reflection had no wisdom for her. 

Deciding to shelve the introspection for the night, Natalia turned away from the mirror.  Tiredness - her constant companion - overtook her and all she could think of was her bed at home, with its firm mattress and clean, cool sheets.  The bed in this room was by no means a substitute but it would have to do. 

She tossed and turned for an undefined amount of time, trying to get comfortable.  A loose spring kept digging into exactly the wrong places - first her hip, then her side, then her arm.  She couldn't get away from it.  A couple of times she nearly managed to slip away, but then her body twitched without warning and suddenly she was wide awake all over again.  Her eyes nipped painfully, but worse than that were her legs which were...not painful, but just _there_ , heavy and leaden and unwilling to be ignored. 

After an hour of fruitless trying Natalia finally gave in and slipped out of bed.  Insomnia had never really been a problem for her in the past - she was normally so tired from working two or three jobs that keeping awake when she needed to was more of an issue.  There had been nights though, in the recent past, when thoughts and unvoiced feelings had swirled unchecked through her mind at such speed that sleep was impossible to come by.  On those nights she'd busied herself with laundry or with paperwork for The Beacon or even cooking.  But in this tiny apartment she couldn't do any of that for fear of waking her mother who, frankly, she was not up to dealing with at that particular point in time. 

As quietly as she could Natalia stole into the kitchen and made herself a mug of peppermint tea.  Her stomach was a little upset now, as if she didn't have enough to deal with, and she vaguely remembered that peppermint tea was good for that. 

When she returned to her bedroom she nearly tripped over her suitcase for the umpteenth time.  Setting her tea down on the bedside table she turned her attention to the bag, glad of the distraction.  Living out of a suitcase was becoming a bother, especially as it looked like she'd be around for a while yet.  The funeral was still three days away, and she couldn't just disappear afterwards - her mother would need help settling into life without her husband, and Natalia knew that was the hardest part of all. 

All of which meant it was beyond time to unpack her things.  For the first time she was glad that her parents had left her room untouched.  She was still planning to ask her mother about that one at some point.  It had blind sided her completely.  She would have expected them to rip every stick of furniture from the room and have a bonfire in the street after she left.  But no, everything was as she'd left it  - the closet even still had a few items of clothing hanging in it.  Her dresser drawers were not empty either. 

"Oh..." she breathed as she opened the top drawer and closed her fingers round the book inside.  Her diary.  She'd left it behind when she abandoned the family home, though she couldn't remember why.  Maybe she'd just forgotten to pick it up.  Maybe she'd wanted to leave behind all memories of the past. 

She sank onto the bed and leafed through it, a slow smile appearing on her face.  Turning to a random page, she began to read. 

_March 4th 1990 - Nicky asked me on a date today!  I can't believe he actually noticed me!  Christina was absolutely green.  She's been trying to get her claws into him for months but he wants ME!  Me, me, me!  I just have to think of some excuse for mom and dad, but I think Selina will help me.  I can say I'm staying over at her place or something.  She won't mind._

Natalia looked up from the book.  Selina.  Wow, she hadn't thought about her in years. 

She flicked through the rest of the book, expecting to find more reminiscences about Gus.  And she did.  There were a number of entries about him - about how sweet he was, and how cute his smile was, and how fluttery he made her feel when he walked past her in the halls.  But, to her surprise, she found that for every one entry about him there were two about Selina - what they'd done together in school, how much she was looking forward to their next sleepover, how pretty her hair was, or how nice her hands were, or what a lovely shade of nail polish she'd been wearing that day. 

"Oh my God," she muttered.  "Oh my _God_." 

It was all there, and so damn obvious she could barely conceive that her teenage self hadn't seen it.  Her crush on Gus - Nicky, as she'd known him then - came through loud and clear.  But just as loud and clear to her now was her crush on Selina.  And all this time she'd thought Olivia was the first and only woman to make her feel this way.  From the pages and pages of entries in her diary about how pretty Selina was, what a nice shade of blue her eyes were, how soft her hair was...well, clearly she had been mistaken.  Olivia was not the first.  Not the only.  This had been part of her for a long, long time. 

She flicked to the end of the diary, deliberately avoiding the entries she knew would be about finding out about her pregnancy and the ensuing chaos. 

_January 12th 1991 - Mom says I'm not allowed to see Selina anymore.  She won't tell me why.  I don't think she found out that she was covering for Nicky and me.  She's been giving us these funny looks lately.  Maybe she found out about Selina's sister and that boy.  Or maybe she's just decided she hates me and doesn't want me to have any friends.  Well that's okay because I hate her too._

Natalia closed the diary slowly and looked up.  _Mom knew_ , she suddenly realised.  _I was clueless, but she knew.  That's why she tried to keep us apart_. 

And it had worked.  Pretty soon after that she'd found out she was pregnant and had to leave school, and home, and the whole area.  She'd started again in a new neighbourhood and she'd never seen Selina again. 

Still, maybe it was time to change that.  She was the prodigal daughter after all, back in the neighbourhood after long years of absence. 

What could be more natural than looking up an old friend? 

* * *

Olivia had never really understood why Natalia seemed to enjoy cleaning.  Perhaps it was all the time she'd spent living in the hotel, but to her cleaning was just an unpleasant chore that got taken care of sometime between the hours of eleven and three.  It wasn't something she had to think about, much less do. 

However, over the last few days she'd begun to develop, if not an admiration, at least a grudging respect for the virtues of housework.  Washing  dishes, doing laundry, vacuuming, scrubbing floors, weeding the garden, all of these physical and repetitive tasks were absolutely ideal for taking her mind off the fact that Natalia hadn't called her for three days.  Over those three days she'd fallen into a routine - get up, take Emma to school, work at The Beacon, pick up Emma, cook her dinner, help her with homework, put her to bed, and then find as much as possible to do around the house so she wouldn't have to think, and so that she could get physically tired out enough to sleep. 

She had toyed with the idea of just calling Natalia herself, but something kept holding her back.  It might have been the distant understanding that the other woman was doubtlessly busy with funeral preparations.  Maybe it was that word _ditto_ still bouncing around inside her skull like shrapnel. 

Or perhaps it was Doris Wolfe who'd taken every opportunity to needle her about Natalia's continued silence ever since Olivia had been silly enough to mention it to her.  Olivia wasn't quite sure why she had confided in the woman.  It was just that she always seemed to be around, and Olivia was so tired and frustrated and not very good at keeping her feelings to herself.  Even when her love for Natalia was supposed to be this big secret she couldn't stop herself from telling people about it at every opportunity.  Josh, Jeffrey, Mel, Bill and Doris herself had all been her confidantes at one time or another.  No wonder Natalia hadn't been shocked at her confession.  What was more surprising was that there was anyone left in town that _didn't_ know that Olivia Spencer - man-eater extraordinaire - was now batting for the other team.  Part time, at least. 

Doris had told her once that taking this step with Natalia didn't have to mean giving up anything, that she might just find a whole new part of herself.  She was discovering that was true.  She still noticed attractive men, she could still turn on the charm that had led to five marriages, but lately she'd found herself occasionally looking at women too.  At first it was just idle curiosity.  She had never looked at any woman that way before Natalia after all, and it was only natural that she should try to compare her with others.  Natalia's kindness and strength and spirit were why she loved her.  But - and she had taken a long time to come to terms with this idea - it was her body that made Olivia _want_ her.  Her lips, which she couldn't stop staring at.  Her hair, which she longed to touch and stroke and comb her fingers through.  Her curves, so delightfully different from a man's body.  And other women had those attributes too. 

Olivia thrust her hands into the sink full of dishes, the hot water clearing her thoughts.  She couldn't let her mind go there.  Thoughts of kissing and touching and loving Natalia could only lead to frustration and heartbreak.  The other woman was nowhere near ready for that step.  Not if she couldn't bring herself to say _I love you_ over the phone. 

As of by magic, her phone began to ring the moment the thought crossed her mind.  "Speak of the devil," she muttered as she glanced at the display. 

" _Olivia,_ " Natalia exclaimed as soon as Olivia answered the call.  " _I've missed you so much._ " 

Olivia closed her eyes.  A lot of possible answers crossed her mind, some of them not exactly civil.  She had been wounded by Natalia's distance and apparent rejection and when Olivia was hurt she tended to strike out.  Only a colossal strength of will stopped her from doing so this time, although her voice was not as warm as it could have been as she replied.  "How are things?" 

Natalia hesitated.  " _Uh...things are OK,_ " she said.  " _The funeral's the day after tomorrow._ " 

Olivia nodded.  "When do you think you'll be coming back?" 

" _I'm not sure,_ " Natalia admitted.  " _Things with mom are...uhm...a little bit complicated._ " 

Olivia's lips twitched in an unpleasant sneer.  "Oh right, and she needs you I guess." 

Natalia didn't speak for a moment.  " _What's that supposed to mean?_ " she said at last. 

Olivia managed a bitter laugh.  "Nothing at all Natalia.  Duty calls, right?  I know how important your family is to you.  I mean when people have loved and supported you unconditionally they really deserve your time and consideration."  Sarcasm dripped from every syllable.  "Oh, wait," she said, smacking herself on the forehead with the flat of her hand.  "I think I'm getting her confused with someone else." 

A deep sigh was her response.  " _Why are you doing this?_ " Natalia said.  " _Don't you think this situation is difficult enough for me without you trying to make me feel guilty for wanting to look after my own mother?_ " 

Olivia rolled her eyes.  "When has she ever looked after _you_?" she demanded. 

" _That's not the point!_ " Natalia shouted.  Olivia winced a little holding the phone away from her ear.  " _You don't treat people as they've treated you, you treat them how you would like to be treated.  What kind of person do you think I am?_ " 

Olivia ground her teeth, but couldn't bring herself to reply.  Partly because she was angry and hurt, and partly because she knew Natalia was right and didn't want to admit it. 

Natalia let out a small, defeated sound and sighed.  " _I don't want to fight with you,_ " she said softly.  " _Please.  I love you, Olivia._ " 

Olivia didn't mean to say it.  She didn't want to say it.  She'd been waiting to hear those words for days and everything in her heart called out to say them back, to re-affirm the love and desire and tenderness that had drawn them so inexorably together.  But the word was out of her mouth before she had a chance to think about it, born from a bitter core of pain that had been living in the pit of her stomach for as long as she could remember.  "Ditto," she said, her voice cold and empty. 

There was an intake of breath on the other end of the line.  " _I guess I deserved that_ ," Natalia said.  Olivia could hear the tears in her voice.  She clenched her fist, digging her nails painfully into her palm.  She longed to take the word back, to start again, but if there was one thing Natalia had taught her it was that there were some words you couldn't take back. 

"Natalia," she began, her voice warmer now, but Natalia cut her off. 

" _I'm sorry,_ " she said.  " _I didn't want to say that, I really didn't, but she was just right there and...it would have led to so many questions..._ " 

Olivia felt each word like a slap.  "So she doesn't know?" she asked.  "About us?  You haven't told her?" 

" _N-no..._ " Natalia admitted.  " _I didn't think...I mean I don't see why it matters.  I don't need her approval._ " 

Olivia choked out a humourless laugh.  "But you do fear her disapproval, that much is obvious." 

Natalia sniffed, and Olivia imagined her wiping away tears.  " _I just think it would make things really complicated right now,_ " she began, but Olivia didn't let her continue. 

"Look, don't worry about it Natalia," she snapped.  "I'm used to being a dirty little secret.  Why break the habit of a lifetime?" 

" _Olivia!_ " Natalia gasped.  " _No!  That's not-_ " 

Olivia didn't give her a chance to finish.  She stabbed at the disconnect button on her phone and tossed it onto the counter, not particularly caring when it slid to floor with a crash. 

She leaned against the countertop for several long minutes, breathing deep and hard and fighting back tears.  How foolish she had been, she thought.  All her life she had been waiting to feel like this.  Waiting for the fairy tale, the great love she'd read about in books and seen in movies.  She'd jumped from man to man looking for it for years, always yearning, ever searching.  Never anyone's first choice, always second best.  How stupid she'd been to think this would be different.  How crazy to think this could ever work.  She'd tried to tell Natalia as much, back in the gazebo.  And she'd been right.  Natalia was ashamed of this. 

But Natalia had been the one to pursue her.  Olivia had never asked her for anything, never expected anything.  She'd tried to walk away but Natalia wouldn't let her.  That day at Emma's school there'd been such fire in her voice, such conviction.  Natalia had been the one to convince her that they could make this work. 

How could she do that and then break her heart? 

Olivia allowed the pain to settle in, burrowing deep into her heart and taking up residence like a familiar friend.  Then she bent down and collected her phone.  The back had come off and the battery had skittered across the floor, so she had to put it back together before she could make the call. 

"Hey," she said when Doris picked up.  "It's me."  She closed her eyes.  "Would you like to have dinner with me tonight?" 

* * *

Natalia had tried to call her back several times that day but Olivia had put the phone on silent and ignored her.  She had listened to the voicemail messages though, which had gone from pleading to irritated within the space of about twenty minutes.  At first there had been a lot of 'I'm sorry's and 'forgive me's but they had transformed soon enough into 'what do you want from me's and finally a 'grow up'. 

Grow up?  Well, Olivia was already a grown up and she was going out that night to do a grown up thing.  She was planning to get completely, irretrievably drunk. 

Emma had been safely deposited at Jodie's house for a sleepover before she headed to Towers to meet Doris.  She had debated dressing to kill - maybe teasing Doris a little to get back at her for her relentless needling all week - but in the end she'd decided against it.  She was angry with Natalia, but that wasn't any excuse to give Doris the wrong idea. 

It was pretty obvious to Olivia that Doris was into her.  Olivia always knew - she'd known about Natalia too, way before either of them was ready to admit it.  She'd seen the signs - the physical signs anyway - and she was versed enough in the art of seduction that she could have taken advantage of them.  But she had changed.  She wasn't the Olivia of old who would have simply taken what she wanted and to hell with the consequences.  She had quickly realised that a furtive fumble in the dark followed by shame and recriminations was not what she wanted. She'd said it to Josh; she wanted the real thing.  She didn't just want to kiss Natalia, or touch her, or make love with her.  Not just that.  She wanted to wake up beside her every morning.  She wanted to raise Emma with her.  She wanted to know every facet of her.  She wanted anything and everything the other woman would give her, for as long as she would give it. 

Doris's interest was a little bit flattering, but it couldn't compare to that.  The Mayor wasn't exactly being subtle about it.  Her constant peppering of snide remarks about Natalia notwithstanding, Doris had been attempting charm over the last week.  It didn't really suit her, Olivia had decided.  It certainly wasn't having the desired effect - Olivia had found it more amusing than anything else, when she had the time to actually think about it, in between worrying about Natalia and their so-called future. 

"Good evening Ms Spencer," said Doris smoothly, sliding into the bar stool beside her.  She was wearing that red, white and black jacket again. 

"Seriously, don't you have any other clothes?" 

Doris smirked.  "I didn't realise you paid such close attention to my wardrobe, Olivia," she said. 

"To your closet you mean?"  Olivia turned a deceptively sweet smile onto her companion and raised her glass.  She had been waiting for ten minutes or so and had already got through two martinis and was on her third. 

"Oh, very funny," Doris replied, gesturing to the bartender to bring her one of what Olivia was having.  "How long have you been working on that one?" 

Olivia shook her head.  "Oh no Doris, I'm afraid that was completely spontaneous.  I just don't spend that much time thinking about you." 

Doris concealed her flinch quite well - she was a politician after all, good at lying - but Olivia saw it.  "Well, obviously you thought of me enough today to ask me out," she said. 

Olivia shook her head.  "Okay, let me get a couple of things straight," she replied. 

"No pun intended?" 

Olivia rolled her eyes.  No wonder Natalia hadn't found that line funny.  "Ha ha," she deadpanned.  "I'm serious." 

Doris folded her hands primly on her lap.  "Do go on," she said. 

Olivia gentled her tone, suddenly feeling a little sorry for the other woman.  "This isn't a date," she said.  "I'm not interested in you.  I'm in love with Natalia." 

Doris sat very still with no expression on her face for a long moment, then she affected a look of confusion.  "Ms Spencer I have absolutely no idea what you're talking about," she said. 

Olivia hesitated, then nodded.  If that was the way she wanted to play it.  "Okay, my mistake," she said, and raised her glass to the other woman.  "Cheers."  They clinked their glasses together, and Doris downed her drink in one fast gulp. 

"I thought you said dinner, not drinks," she said. 

Olivia nodded, and they graduated to a table where they ordered a little food and a lot of wine.  A little too much wine really, considering Olivia had been halfway to drunk before she even sat down. 

"And get this, do you wanna know what she said?"  Olivia gestured wildly with her fork, splattering a little tomato sauce onto the white tablecloth.  "Ditto!  Fucking ditto!  What the hell is that?" 

Doris, who hadn't had nearly as much wine, managed a tight smile.  "Ah, the infamous ditto," she said.  "That's what we closet cases say when we're too scared to say 'I love you'." 

Olivia laughed bitterly.  "Yeah, I get that.  She's scared.  Scared of what?"  She took a gulp of wine.  "Scared that her mother might disown her?  Again?  Big freakin' loss." 

Doris frowned.  "Her mother disowned her?  Why?" 

Olivia shrugged.  "Sixteen, Catholic, pregnant, unmarried, do I have to draw you a diagram?" 

Doris hesitated.  This probably wasn't a good idea.  But what the hell, she reasoned.  In for a penny.  "Don't you think you're being just a tiny bit unreasonable?" she said. 

Olivia fixed her with a poisonous glare.  "What?" 

Doris shrugged.  "I don't know Natalia very well," she admitted.  "But she seems like an old fashioned type.  I mean come on.  She lives on a farm.  She goes to church.  She _bakes._ "  Doris almost shuddered.  It always seemed to come back to the baking.  "Family must be important to her." 

" _I'm_ her family," Olivia hissed.  "I'm the one who's always stood by her.  I'm the one who's always put her happiness first.  I'm the one who loves her, dammit." 

Doris sat back a little in her chair.  "Okay," she conceded.  "That's fair.  But parents are tricky things.  We do feel this strange loyalty to them, even if we really shouldn't.  Even if they don't deserve it."  She sighed.  "Think about it from Natalia's point of view.  Her dad's dead.  She's never going to get another chance with him.  However they left it all those years ago - that's it.  No way to fix it.  But she has this second chance with her mom.  Can you really blame her for not wanting to screw it up right away?" 

Olivia's lips thinned and for a long moment she didn't speak.  "I should call her," she said at last, her shoulders slumping. 

Doris shook her head.  "Tomorrow," she said.  "When you're sober." 

Olivia looked for a moment as if she was about to argue, then crumpled, nodding.  "Okay," she conceded in a small voice.  She looked at her watch.  It was getting a little late to call anyway.  "I should get a cab," she said. 

"I'll drive you," Doris said. 

Olivia shook her head.  "You don't have to-" she began, but Doris cut her off with a wave. 

"What kind of Mayor would I be if I didn't see to the safety of my constituents?" she said archly. 

Olivia laughed.  "Can I tell you a little secret?" she said, leaning forward and dropping her voice to a whisper.  "I didn't vote for you." 

Doris raised an eyebrow as Olivia descended into peals of laughter.  "All the more reason for me to do you a favour," she said, standing and holding out her hand to the other woman.  "Floating voters are my bread and butter." 

Olivia was still giggling drunkenly.  "Does that mean you're going to eat me?" 

"You wish," Doris fired back, pleased to see Olivia blush. 

"Oh shut up," she said, taking Doris's proffered hand. 

They headed out to the deserted parking lot, drawing the occasional second glance on the way.  Doris smiled placidly at everyone they passed, as if it was a perfectly ordinary sight to see the Mayor practically carrying a noted local business-woman out of a restaurant. 

Olivia stumbled when they got to the car, accidentally pushing Doris against the door and pinning her there.  "Olivia," she muttered.  "Jeez, you're heavier than you look." 

Olivia laughed.  "Charmer," she said. 

Doris rolled her eyes.  "Are you going to move?" 

Olivia shook her head, lassitude creeping into her limbs.  "I'm quite comfortable," she slurred.  "Thanks anyway." 

Doris looked around to see if any assistance would be forthcoming.  There was no-one around she could see.  "Okay, you asked for it," she said, then leaned forward and kissed Olivia.  For one startled moment Olivia kissed her back - Doris assumed she was thinking of someone else - then roughly pushed her away, stepping back. 

"What was that?" she demanded.  Doris simply rolled her eyes and opened the car door. 

"Well, you weren't going to move by yourself," she said. 

"I...what...Doris, I don't-" 

"I know," Doris replied.  "You're in love with Natalia, blah blah blah.  Would you just get in the car?" 

Olivia stood there, still and silent for a long moment, then finally gave in and slipped into the passenger seat.  Suddenly she felt very tired. 

As the car pulled out of the lot neither woman saw Frank Cooper emerge from the shadows.  He took a deep breath and exhaled through his teeth.  "You utter, utter bitch," he muttered, and reached for his phone. 

* * *

"I'm so glad you looked me up." 

Natalia smiled at Selina's happy face.  She certainly appeared to be pleased to hear from her.  _Very_ pleased, if truth be told.  After Natalia had finally tracked down her number, going through two cousins and an aunt to do so, she hadn't quite known what to expect.  She had hoped for a friendly conversation, with maybe the option to keep in touch down the road.  She hadn't anticipated an invitation to dinner, and she'd hesitated a little before saying yes.  Two things had made up her mind.  One - Olivia had been behaving quite ridiculously and she wanted an excuse not to think about her.  Two - she figured that seeing Selina would really, really piss off her mother. 

And indeed it had.  "Why are you seeing her?" she'd asked, a curl of disapproval on her lips. 

"Because she's an old friend I haven't seen in years, mom, is that so strange?" had been Natalia's reply. 

Her mother had looked her up and down, taking in the new dress she'd bought that day, midnight blue, low cut, and tapering down to a finish just below the knee.  "You're not dressed like you're just seeing a friend." 

Natalia had raised an eyebrow at her mother.  She'd been spoiling for a fight since her conversation with Olivia and, while her mother wasn't the ideal target, she would do.  "What's that supposed to mean?" she'd asked. 

There had been no reply, and Natalia had ended up going out to meet Selina with her frustration unsatisfied. 

"I'm glad I looked you up too," Natalia said, forcing her mind back to the present.  She twirled the umbrella in her cocktail, smiling at her companion.  She looked better than Natalia remembered.  She'd been a skinny girl when they last saw each other - a long distance runner on the school track team.  Natalia remembered cold, rainy Saturdays spent huddled on the bleachers watching her race round lap after lap.  She hadn't felt uncomfortable, even on the most frigid and wet of days.  One glance at  Selina on the track and she had felt warm.  What a blind idiot she had been. 

She wasn't blind now, and she couldn't help but notice that Selina had filled out in some very pleasant ways.  The awkward gangliness of adolescence had flourished into the full blossom of womanhood during their eighteen year separation.  Selina looked good.  _Really_ good. 

And she had dressed up too, Natalia was pleased to see.  After her conversation with her mother she had worried that the new dress was a little much.  It was just the only formal wear she'd brought was a black pantsuit for the funeral, and that was hardly the impression she wanted to make on her old friend.  But her fears had been allayed when Selina had breezed into the restaurant with her honey-blonde hair cascading down her back in waves, and wearing an emerald green cocktail dress the colour of Olivia's eyes. 

Natalia shook herself.  _Stop it_ , her mind warned her. _You're supposed to be mad at her.  Stop thinking about her eyes_. 

In the end it was easier than she'd thought it would be to put Olivia out of her mind.  She'd worried that seeing Selina again would be awkward but it wasn't.  After just one or two false starts they were right back in the groove, as if they had just seen each other last week at school, instead of nearly two decades ago.  It was easy and comfortable and light, three things that being with Olivia hadn't been lately, and Natalia simply let her mind relax and revel in it as they chatted and slowly cleaned their plates. 

It was when Natalia caught herself staring at Selina's lips for the third time that she realised that the easiness and familiarity of their conversation weren't the only things she was revelling in.  _Oh boy_ , her brain muttered as she forced her eyes up.  _No, no, no, those are bad thoughts._

"Did you bring your son with you?" Selina was saying.  "I'd love to meet him." 

Natalia smiled, hoping the pounding of her heart wasn't too obvious.  "Uh, maybe next time," she said, with a nervous laugh.  "I didn't think he and my mom were quite ready for each other." 

Selina rolled her eyes.  "Oh Jesus, your mom," she muttered.  "Yeah, keeping him away from her was probably a good idea." 

"I see you're harbouring a few fond memories there," Natalia replied with a twitch of her lips.  Selina responded with a full blown laugh. 

"Like the time she threw me out of your house and told me never to darken your doorstep again?" she said.  "Yeah, that's one of the fondest." 

Natalia hesitated as their waiter appeared to clear away their entrees.  "Any dessert for you ladies?" he asked.  Selina shook her head. 

"Oh not for me, I'm stuffed," she said.  "Natalia?" 

Natalia shook her head demurely.  "No thanks." 

"Just the check please," Selina said, then inclined her head toward Natalia.  "Do you want to go and get a drink?" she asked.  "I know a really good place not too far from here.  Not too loud."  She smiled hopefully. 

Natalia looked at her watch.  "I don't know-" she began. 

"Just one," Selina interrupted.  "Come on, I haven't seen you in nearly twenty years.  Just one eensy little drink."  She held up her thumb and forefinger.  "A teeny little one?" 

Natalia couldn't help but laugh.  "Okay," she relented.  "Just one." 

Selina's smile was breathtaking and Natalia had to force herself to keep looking into her eyes.  Her lips were dangerous territory.  Not quite as dangerous as Olivia's...but dangerous enough. 

It was short walk to the bar Selina had in mind and it was, as she'd promised, not too loud.  They found a quiet table in a corner and picked up the thread of their prior conversation easily.  "So," Natalia said.  "Do you have any kids?  Are you married?" 

She frowned at Selina's slight double take.  "Uh...no," Selina said at last, with a nervous laugh.  "No kids.  And defintely no marriage.  Not in this state anyway." 

Natalia's frown deepened.  "What do you mean?" 

For a moment Selina seemed to be torn between exasperation and amusement.  Amusement won.  "Same old Natalia, still living under that rock," she muttered.  She pinned her old friend with laughter filled eyes.  "Natalia, I'm gay." 

Natalia's eyes briefly widened and she took a sip of her drink to hide her reaction.  "Oh," she said.  "Oh...well...that's great.  Good for you." 

Selina giggled.  "Well, thank you for your approval, I can't tell you how much it means to me." 

Natalia rolled her eyes.  "Oh shut up," she said, and then found herself laughing too. 

With the tension gone Selina took a sip of her own drink.  "You really didn't know?" she said.  "I mean, when we were kids..." 

"What about when we were kids?"  A little flutter of excitement burst in Natalia's stomach as she remembered all those supposedly innocent hugs and whispered sleepover conversations that she now recognised for what they truly were. 

"I was such an obvious little baby-dyke," Selina said, a twinkle in her eye.  "And..." she trailed off, gazing up at Natalia almost shyly through half-lidded eyes. 

"And?" 

Selina smiled lazily.  "And I was so absolutely crazy about you," she admitted.  "You didn't know?" 

Natalia shook her head slowly.  "No," she said.  "Not...not then." 

Selina's breath caught.  "And now?" 

Natalia lips twitched up in a rueful smile.  "I've...figured out quite a few things out over the years," she said.  She shrugged, feeling a little uncomfortable all of a sudden.  She stole a quick glance over her shoulder, sure someone was looking at her. 

A long exhalation of breath dragged her attention back to her companion.  "Well, your mom knew, that's for sure," Selina said.  "The day she...well, the day she threw me out?  I think she caught me..." 

The back of Natalia's neck tingled.  "Caught you doing what?" she said, fighting the urge to look over her shoulder again. 

Selina shook her head.  "God, it was nothing really," she said, laughing at herself.  "We were having a sleepover, remember?  I woke up before you and...God, I was so nuts about you."  Her eyes fluttered closed.  "I was just holding your hand," she said softly, obviously lost in the memory.  "It was hardly anything.  Just holding your hand while you were sleeping."  She opened her eyes.  "But I guess your mom didn't see it that way." 

Natalia's heart was thundering in her ears.  "So...mom knew," she said.  She'd thought as much, but it was still a little shocking to have it confirmed.  "She knew we were..." she trailed off and took a long sip of her drink. 

Selina raised an eyebrow.  "We?"  She leaned forward.  "It wasn't just me?  There was a we?" 

Natalia took a deep breath, then finally nodded.  "There was a we," she replied.  As soon as the words left her lips she gave into an ever growing impulse and turned round.  Her eyes scanned the room but if anyone had been looking at them they had judiciously looked away. 

"What's wrong?" 

Natalia turned back to Selina, exasperated.  "Do you feel like everyone's watching us?" she asked, and frowned deeply when Selina began to laugh. 

Selina clamped a hand over her mouth to stem the laughter.  "Sorry," she said.  "But you know how ridiculous that sounds, right?" 

Natalia crossed her arms across her chest.  "Why ridiculous?" she asked defensively. 

Selina leaned forward and grabbed her hand.  It felt clammy to the touch, and tense.  "Look around, Natalia," she said.  "You're in a lesbian bar.  No-one's staring at you, I swear." 

Natalia paled as she slowly turned and looked around the room again.  The bar was half full of people of all shapes, sizes and colours.  The only thing they all had in common was that they were women.  She could hardly believe she hadn't noticed before.  And Selina was right.  No one was looking at them.  It had all been in her head. 

"Oh my God," she murmured softly.  "It's me.  I'm doing this to myself..." 

Selina frowned.  "What?  What are you talking about Natalia?" 

But Natalia wasn't listening.  Her mind was back in Springfield, in the grocery store, the bank, Emma's school, all the places she'd felt the tingle of eyes boring into the back of her skull.  Had that all been in her head too?  Had she really been working herself into knots over nothing more than imagined scrutiny?  Had she been blocking Olivia out, pushing her away, because of problems that didn't even exist?  Over simple paranoia? 

"Oh my God," she said again, gently disengaging her hand from Selina's.  She reached for her phone.  She needed to talk to Olivia.  She needed it more than she needed her next breath. 

But the phone was already ringing when she picked it up.  The caller display said _Frank_.  Natalia frowned.  What could he possibly want? 

"I've got to take this," she said, shooting an apologetic glance at her confused companion.  Selina nodded and sat back in her chair, turning her attention to her drink.  Natalia accepted the call.  "Hey Frank," she said, attempting to sound pleased to hear from him.  "Is everything okay?" 

Selina watched as her old friend listened to whoever was on the phone, beginning to frown as Natalia grew more and more pale.  Then shock and pain turned to anger and Natalia almost growled. 

"You saw Olivia doing _what_?" 

In that moment Selina felt very sorry for this Olivia, whoever she was.  And, from the look on Natalia's face, she figured Olivia was going to need all the sympathy she could get. 

* * *

"Oh, Jesus fucking Christ, I'm never drinking again," Olivia groaned as she rolled over and swatted at the alarm clock.  The incessant chirpiness of whatever vacuous DJ was on that hour stopped, much to her relief.  Her eyes creaked open.  She hadn't thought to close the curtains when she'd stumbled into bed the night before and she regretted it now.  Squinting against the light, her head pounding, she tried to look at the clock.  The digits swam before her bleary eyes, mocking her. 

She sat up and immediately felt her stomach shift.  She held her breath and swallowed hard.  Only when she was sure she wasn't going to be sick did she swing her legs out of bed and rise unsteadily to her feet. 

It was only then that she realised that the pounding wasn't just in her head.  Someone was hammering at the farmhouse door. 

"I'm coming, I'm coming," she yelled, holding her palms against her ears.  Blearily she stumbled downstairs.  She was quite proud of herself for managing it without stumbling over her own feet, which seemed to be made of lead.  "Yeah, Jesus, you can stop pounding on the freakin' door, I'm right here!" 

She flung the door open and couldn't stifle a groan at who she saw there.  Frank came in without waiting to be invited.  "Olivia," he said. 

Olivia flopped onto the couch, holding her head in her hands.  "Frank," she groaned.  "What the hell?  Why are you trying to bang my door down at stupid o'clock in the morning?" 

Frank began to pace.  Gradually the realisation that this was not typical Frank behaviour penetrated Olivia's foggy brain.  "Is Doris here?" he said at last. 

Olivia frowned angrily.  "What?  You burst in here at some ungodly fucking hour and _that's_ what you ask me?  What the hell is wrong with you?" 

Frank's jaw clenched.  "I saw you with her," he ground out. 

Olivia shook her head.  "What, at Towers?  She's a friend...sort of, anyway...I'm allowed to have dinner with my friends." 

Frank laughed bitterly.  "Oh, this was a lot more than dinner." 

Olivia threw her hands in the air.  "You're delusional," she muttered, pinching the bridge of her nose. 

Frank's voice raised.  "I saw you kissing her," he insisted. 

"What?"  Olivia shook her head.  "Kissing her?  What the-"  Suddenly she broke off, her face turning even greener than it had been, if that was at all possible.  "Oh," she said, horror creeping into her voice.  "Oh my fucking fuck." 

Frank shot her a look of pure disgust.  "You sicken me," he ground out. 

Olivia hid her face in her hands.  "It's not what you think," she said.  "Honest, Frank-" 

"Honest?" he shouted incredulously.  "Honest?  How can you dare to even say that word?  It means nothing to you, it never has." 

Olivia's eyes flickered to the crucifix on the wall.  _This is my punishment for every sin I've ever committed, right?_ she asked it silently.  _Hungover, with a morally outraged Frank in my face?  Do I really deserve this?_

"That's not fair Frank-" she began, but Frank cut her off. 

"No Olivia, you know what's not fair?  The woman I love leaving me at the altar for a vile, pathetic excuse for a human being.  A woman who can't even stay faithful to her for a week!" 

"I wasn't being unfaithful!" Olivia yelled.  "Jesus Christ, we're not even a couple yet." 

Frank's lip curled.  "Oh, how typical of you, Olivia," he said. 

Olivia shook her head.  "That's not what I meant," she said.  "Look, Doris kissed me okay, not the other way around." 

Frank threw his arms out wide.  "You still got in the car with her, you couldn't have hated it that much." 

Olivia stood up a little too quickly and swayed on her feet.  Frank instinctively reached a hand out to steady her.  Olivia shook him off.  "You don't have any idea what you saw," she ground out.  "And I'm done explaining myself to you." 

Frank's face twisted into a mockery of a smile.  "It's not me you have to explain yourself to," he said. 

Olivia's heart dropped through the floor.  "What?"  Her voice was low and deadly. 

Frank didn't seem to hear the danger in it.  "I called Natalia last night.  She was pretty interested in your little escapade."  He looked her up and down one last time before heading to the door.  "God, she deserves so much better than you," he said, a parting shot. 

"Oh dear God..." Olivia whispered after he was gone.  "Oh dear sweet fucking God." 

In a daze she rushed back upstairs.  Her cellphone was by the bed and she fumbled for it blindly.  Natalia's phone rang twice before she picked up. 

"Natalia-" she began breathlessly, but the other woman cut her off. 

" _Save it._ "  Her voice was cold and hard.  " _I'm not interested in anything you have to say_." 

A choked sob rose up in Olivia's throat.  "Natalia, please-" she said, but it was too late.  Natalia had hung up. 

With trembling hands she dialled Natalia again, but it was no good.  Voicemail. 

A tight scream burst from her chest.  She couldn't decide who she wanted to kill more - Doris or Frank.  Maybe she'd just do both. 

Right after she threw up. 

* * *

Natalia spent a day studiously ignoring Olivia's calls and a night tossing and turning and alternately punching the pillows and weeping into them, and before she knew it it was the morning of her father's funeral.  Her mother looked at her strangely when she appeared in the living room in a neatly pressed pantsuit with bloodshot eyes, but she said nothing.  She had enough on her mind. 

It was a short drive to the church.  Natalia slipped an arm around her mother's shoulder as they filed in, and was not rebuffed.  Josephine slumped against her side, already weeping. 

Natalia felt tears nipping at her own eyes, but not for her father.  She had expected the feelings of grief that had overtaken her that first night in Chicago to come back, but they eluded her.  Her tears were for herself and for the empty pit that had burst open inside her after Frank had called.  _Olivia_ , her mind murmured.  _How could you?_

She sat through the first hymn in a daze, not trusting her voice to sing.  The readings were similarly a blur to her, but she perked up her ears as the priest began to talk about her father, and what a wonderful man he had been, how unselfish, how devoted to his religion and his family. 

The back of her neck turned red and she ground her teeth.  A long dormant anger growled in the pit of her stomach, aching to be set free.  Suddenly she felt her mother's warning hand on her arm.  She turned and met her eyes.  She expected to see anger there, perhaps scolding.  Instead she saw pain and a quiet pleading and it was that, more than anything, that made her bite her tongue. 

So they wanted to paint her father as some kind of saint.  It didn't matter.  They could believe what they wanted.  She knew the truth.  She knew what had happened eighteen years ago.  She knew what kind of man her father really was. 

"Sorry I'm late." 

Natalia turned in surprise as she felt someone slide into the pew beside her and whisper into her ear.  "Rafe!" she hissed, letting go of her mother's hand and turning to embrace him.  "How?  Why?" 

Rafe ignored the murmurs of displeasure from some of the mourners around them.  "Olivia," he said simply.  "She told the parole board about your dad and they gave me a week's compassionate leave." 

Natalia had focused on only one part of his statement.  "Olivia?" she whispered.  "Is she here?" 

Rafe nodded.  "She's staying at the Omni downtown," he said.  "I told her to come to the church but she wouldn't." 

Natalia shook her head in a daze.  Olivia was here, in Chicago, just a short cab ride away.  She could be there in twenty minutes. 

The tinkle of a bell forced her mind back to reality.  The priest was holding up the host, consecrating it.  Thirty-four years of Catholic training made her bow her head.  "My Lord and my God," she whispered, along with half the congregation.  Rafe took her hand and squeezed. 

Josephine was watching them with naked curiosity.  Especially Rafe.  She couldn't take her eyes off him.  "Madre de Dios," she murmured.  "You look just like him..." 

Natalia looked at her mother, and then at Rafe.  For the first time she saw her son through her mother's eyes and she gasped.  He really did look like her father.  Something around the eyes, and the nose.  The way he frowned, like he was doing now. 

She didn't have time to think about that.  Before she knew it she was standing and reciting the _Our Father_ , and then she was filing out past her father's coffin to receive communion.  It was when she was on her way back to her seat that she made the decision, almost without thinking about it.  She grabbed Rafe's hand.  "Stay with your grandmother," she whispered into his ear.  "I'll be back later." 

She ignored the stares and muffled whispers as she bypassed her pew and headed for the door.  She broke into a run when she got outside.  "Taxi!" she yelled, as soon as she got to the kerb. 

There had only been one thing on her mind since Rafe had told her Olivia was in town.  The other woman was like a magnet to her, even now.  There was no question of not seeing her. 

It was time for them to have this out, once and for all. 

* * *

The knock - pounding, really - at her hotel room door startled Olivia out of a restless sleep.  She'd flown in with Rafe that morning and the flight had been delayed by an hour, leading to rushing and stress and general annoyance.  She had toyed with the idea of going with Rafe to the funeral but in the end she'd decided it was a bad idea.  It wouldn't be fair to Natalia to just appear like that.  After all, she'd made it pretty clear she didn't want to talk to her - she wasn't likely to want to see her either. 

_So why are you even here?_ she asked herself, and sighed.  Hope, she supposed.  A hope that had been almost crippled by Natalia's repeated failure to answer her calls, but hope nonetheless. 

The pounding came again and Olivia grimaced in annoyance.  "It says _do not disturb_ , can't you read?" she yelled irritably. 

"Open the door, Olivia." 

For a long moment Olivia couldn't move.  She half expected to hear her pacemaker beeper going off. 

Natalia pounded on the door again.  "Open the door now!" 

Olivia scrambled off the bed and made her way quickly to the door.  Natalia was just getting more and more pissed the longer she left her waiting in the corridor - that wouldn't help matters. 

"Uh, hi," Olivia said, with an attempt at a smile, when she finally opened the door.  Natalia brushed past her without a word.  She was stoney-faced.  Olivia searched desperately for some clue as to her mood, but there was no tell-tale expression to latch onto. 

"Wow, first a wedding; now a funeral.  What religious ceremony are you going to run away from next?" 

She'd known - in her mind - that it was the wrong thing to say before she said it.  Unfortunately her mind had not thought to inform her mouth.  Disgust crept across Natalia's face.  "Oh, for God's sake," she spat, contempt in every syllable. 

"Sorry," Olivia replied, covering her face with her hands.  "That was really...fuck  Really stupid.  I'm sorry." 

A hollow laugh was her reply.  "I don't think sorry's going to cover it." 

Olivia crossed her arms over her chest.  "It was just a bad joke, Natalia-" she began, but Natalia interrupted her. 

"Stop playing dumb, it doesn't suit you," she said sharply.  "Frank called me.  I know." 

Olivia's shoulders hunched.  "It's not what you think," she said softly.  Natalia just shook her head, then made a show of looking round the room. 

"Is Frank with you?" she asked. 

Olivia frowned at the left-field question.  "What?  No." 

Natalia shrugged.  "Oh, it's just someone dragged my son into something that's nothing to do with him because they were trying to manipulate me.  Seemed like something he would do." 

Olivia's cheeks flushed pink.  "I'm not trying to manipulate you!" 

Natalia's voice raised to match Olivia's.  "What the hell would you call it?" 

Olivia couldn't look at Natalia any longer.  She turned and stalked over to the window, looking down at the bustling street below.  "I don't know," she admitted.  "I thought you'd need family with you right now.  Real family I mean, the kind that actually loves you no-matter what you do."  Tears nipped at her eyes.  She wiped at them quickly, angry with herself for having so little self control.  "If I'd wanted to manipulate you I'd have turned up at the church," she said. 

For a long moment Natalia didn't speak.  "I'm glad you didn't," she said, watching the stiff line of Olivia's back bend a little as she leaned forward. 

Olivia's eyes fluttered closed as misery crashed over her like a wave.  Of all the good things she'd ruined in her life, this was surely the one that would live with her forever.  "Okay," she said, knowing that there was heartbreak in her voice, but not able to muster up the energy to care. 

Silence stretched between them.  "How could you?" Natalia said at last, and this time it was her voice that sounded heartbroken. 

Olivia shook her head.  "I didn't-" she began. 

Natalia choked out a humourless laugh.  "Oh please." 

Olivia turned back to her and crossed the room in two long strides.  "Listen to me," she said, grabbing Natalia's hands and refusing to let go, even as the other woman tried to wriggle from her grip.  "Please.  It's not what you think.  Really." 

Natalia's cheeks were pink with anger.  "Then what is it, huh?" 

Olivia released her and scraped her hands through her hair, grimacing.  "Look, I was drunk-" she said, but Natalia interrupted again. 

"Oh, colour me surprised," she said bitterly.  Olivia flushed. 

"What does that mean?" she replied, her chin jutting forward. 

Natalia laughed.  "You know exactly what it means," she said.  "This is you all over.  The first sign of trouble and you just go off and get drunk.  Damn the consequences, right?  Just as long as you feel better, who cares who gets hurt!" 

Olivia's nostrils flared.  "I know more than you **_ever_** will about the _consequences_ of drinking," she spat.  "And the one who gets hurt is usually yours truly, so don't you dare preach to me Natalia." 

Natalia shook her head in disbelief.  "Hey, you don't get to be angry!" she yelled.  "You're the one who _cheated_ on me!" 

Olivia threw her hands in the air.  "I didn't fucking cheat on you!" 

Natalia snorted in disbelief.  "Oh yeah, I get it, I haven't put out yet so you don't owe me anything-" 

"No!" Olivia shouted, cutting her off.  "I owe you everything, don't you know that?" 

Natalia seemed lost for words momentarily, but rallied.  "Then why-" 

" _She_ kissed _me_!" Olivia all but screamed, anger and pain and fear written all over her face.  "For God's sake Natalia, you of all people should know that when someone kisses you it doesn't have to be mutual.  I didn't kiss her back!" 

Natalia hesitated.  "Frank said-" she began.  Olivia laughed, throwing her head back. 

"Oh, Frank said did he?  Frank fucking hates my guts right now, Natalia.  Frank thinks he's going to win you back by following me around waiting for me to make a mistake so he can paint me as the villain.  Again.  So what, he sees Doris plant one on me when I'm obviously drunk and he calls you up with some story like I'm sleeping with half the town?  And you swallow that?" 

Natalia's hands were shaking with rage.  "Don't do that," she ground out.  "Don't you _dare_ make me out to be the bad guy here." 

There was a long moment filled with nothing but air forcing its way into their lungs and blood thundering in their ears.  Olivia's face was red and her lips were parted as she breathed shallowly, her hands balled into fists at her side.  Every muscle was tense, as if she was expecting to have to defend herself from physical blows.  Natalia's dark eyes scraped over her from head to foot.  She looked good.  _Really_ good. 

Olivia seemed to realise what was happening a fraction of a second before Natalia did, but it was Natalia who surged forward and claimed the other woman's lips in a brutal, bruising kiss. 

"Mmmph!"  Olivia's eyes widened, but she had been dreaming of Natalia's lips for too long not to respond, even if the way this was happening felt wrong.  This kiss was not about love - it was all frustration, and tension and lust finally unleashed.  Natalia was stiff and tense in her arms, still mad from the fight, but much, much too far gone to care. 

"You make me so angry," she said as their lips parted briefly. 

Olivia's lips twitched and a gleam entered her eye.  "Ditto," she breathed. 

Natalia growled.  "Oh, shut up," she said and kissed her again.  This time she slid her hands over Olivia's shoulders, pushing her jacket off and letting it tangle behind her back.  Olivia moaned into the kiss as her arms were trapped in the fabric and Natalia pushed her back towards the bed. 

"Natalia," Olivia gasped as her knees hit the mattress and she sat down heavily.  The other woman loomed over her, all dark hair and clothes and eyes.  Olivia flushed at the look of pure, unabashed desire on her face. 

"Don't talk," Natalia said, her voice clipped.  Her hands trembled only a little as she pushed Olivia back onto the bed.  She followed her, straddling her waist and holding her shoulders down.  Olivia's pulse was throbbing and Natalia leaned down to kiss the thunder of it as it jumped in her throat. 

Olivia squirmed, her hands still strapped behind her back.  "Ah!" she gasped as Natalia suddenly bit down - not enough to hurt too much, but enough to leave a mark.  Natalia reared up and Olivia could see that her eyes had shaded to black. 

"You're mine," Natalia hissed.  "No-one else's." 

Her heart in her mouth, Olivia closed her eyes and moaned.  "I'm yours," she said, and knew that it had been true for a long, long time.  Months.  Since before the two mommies debacle, before they lived together, before they were best friends.  Maybe it had always been true and she had just been waiting all this time to find her. 

She felt urgent fingers at the buttons of her shirt and her eyes flickered open.  Natalia's lips were set in a thin line, a look of sheer determination etched onto her features.  "You don't have to-" Olivia started to say, but was cut off. 

"I'm going to," Natalia said.  "I've been waiting for you for so long.  You're mine and I'm going to have you." 

A rush of heat licked over Olivia's skin like wildfire and all she could do was moan.  "Oh Jesus, Natalia..."  She felt Natalia's lips and tongue on her skin as she pressed desperate, sloppy, open-mouthed kisses all over her neck, her chest, her stomach.  Natalia moved around randomly as if she couldn't decide where she wanted to be, as if the expanse of skin revealed when she pushed Olivia's shirt aside was a banquet and she didn't know what to eat first. 

Natalia's hands moved from her shoulders and she took advantage of the opportunity to squeeze her arms out from behind her back.  She rolled her shoulders gratefully, feeling the tingling that had started up in her arms beginning to ease.  She was so pre-occupied with the feeling that for a moment she didn't notice what Natalia's hands were doing.  It was only when she felt the rush of cool air against her thighs that she realised that her jeans and underwear had been pushed down to her knees and Natalia was settling down between her legs like she belonged there. 

"Oh my God," she muttered as their eyes locked.  Natalia smiled slowly and seductively. 

"Do you get this excited every time we fight?" she asked smoothly, her eyes flickering down. 

Olivia could barely breathe.  "Uhm..." she managed to say.  "Pretty much." 

Natalia grinned.  "Is that why we fight about everything?" 

Olivia hesitated, then slowly nodded.  "I can't help it if you're sexy when you're mad," she said. 

"Hmm."  Natalia looked sceptical, but then her face cleared, as if she was putting it from her mind and had better things to think about.  "You're sexy all the time," she growled, and dipped her head down. 

"Wait!" Olivia halted the motion, holding her head back.  "You don't have to do this, Natalia," she said.  "I...this isn't...I mean, I don't want you to feel like you have to do anything...I-"  She swallowed hard.  "I'll be okay," she said.  "I mean, if you don't want to...I don't need-" 

Natalia stared up at her with incredulous eyes.  "Dear God, would you just shut up and let me fuck you?" 

Olivia flushed, and so did Natalia, neither of them quite able to believe that she'd just said that.  Nevertheless, her words had the desired effect.  Olivia's hands relaxed and didn't attempt to stop her as she bent down and flicked her tongue out to taste her lover. 

"Oh fuck," Olivia ground out, burying her hands in Natalia's hair, curling her fingers round the back of her head.  Distantly she heard Natalia's answering moan, but it was indistinct, like she was hearing it from underwater.  Her stomach clenched as her lover's flickering tongue caressed her - a little uncertainly, a little hesitantly, but that didn't matter because she'd been on the edge for what felt like forever and this was going to be quick.  Embarrassingly quick. 

"Oh God, Natalia," she moaned, instinctively rolling her hips against her lover's delicious, intoxicating mouth.  Her eyes flickered down. _I've got Saint Natalia fucking Rivera's head between my legs,_ she thought deliriously as their eyes locked. 

She lasted a lot longer than she thought she would - at least a minute - but when Natalia pursed her lips and sucked just a little she couldn't suppress a sob.  Her hands pulled her lover's head closer while her hips thrust forward of their own accord and she came, Natalia's name on her lips. 

Every muscle in her body tensed for an endless moment and then the wave broke and she fell bonelessly to the bed.  Natalia raised her head and the vision of her licking her lips and wiping at her wet chin with the back of her hand nearly set Olivia off again.  "Oh my God," she muttered.  "Oh Natalia, I love you.  I love you so fucking much." 

Natalia crawled up the bed, and Olivia realised with a start that the dark slacks she'd been wearing when she came in were now lying in a heap on the floor.  "Show me," her lover said breathlessly, taking Olivia's hand and guiding it between her legs. 

Natalia was warm and very, very wet.  Olivia slipped two fingers inside easily and Natalia moaned, desperation written all over her face.  "Oh God yes," she breathed, grinding herself down onto Olivia's thrusting fingers.  She planted her hands on either side of Olivia's head, gazing down at her with flushed cheeks. 

"Kiss me," Olivia said.  "Please."  Natalia's eyes fluttered closed as she leaned down.  Olivia could taste herself on Natalia's swollen lips, but this kiss was slow, and deep and tender.  She gasped when Natalia broke away, her face contorted with need. 

"Fuck me, Olivia, please..." she whispered.  "I need you.  I love you, please...please..." 

Olivia combed the fingers of her free hand through Natalia's hair as she thrust deeper and ground the heel of her palm against Natalia's clit.  Her wrist ached from the angle and from the strength of Natalia's bucking hips but she didn't care.  Natalia could break her arm for all she cared, she could break every bone in her body, as long as she got to make her come and watch that lovely face as it happened. 

And she did get to do that, much more quickly than she'd thought she would, because of course Natalia had been dying for this too and denying it, which had only made it more potent and devastating when it was finally set free. 

A wave of love and devotion like nothing she'd ever felt washed over Olivia as Natalia's muscles clenched against her fingers.  Her face cleared suddenly and she held her breath.  Olivia had the strangest feeling that Natalia had gone to some wonderful, otherworldly place for a moment, but then she came crashing back to reality and crashing down on top of her, breathing deeply through her nose and crushing her in a sweaty, desperate hug.  Olivia trailed kisses over her brow, tasting the salt on her skin. 

"Oh my God..." Natalia was whispering, as if to herself.  "Oh my God..." 

Olivia wrapped herself around Natalia, arms and legs tangling together as she held her tight.  It should have been painful, such was the strength and intensity of the embrace, but it wasn't.  It was perfect. 

She closed her eyes.  She had planned that their first time together would be gentle and tender, in a candle-strewn bedroom after a night of unparalleled romance.  But then, Natalia had always taken her by surprise. 

And maybe this actually made more sense for them.  Two women who'd fought each other, the world and themselves to get to this point, and whose love had begun in a graveyard, with a scream. 

* * *

"Oh my God..." 

Those three simple words could mean many things and, in the quiet moments between action and consequence, they meant a great deal to Natalia.  First there was " _Oh my God, that felt really good._ "  That was the first reaction, but it didn't last long.  She went from pleasure to embarrassment to shame quicker than a Ferrari goes from nought to sixty and the final "Oh my God" that slipped from her lips was pure " _Oh my God, what have I done?_ " 

The power to say anything but those three words seemed to have left Natalia.  She muttered them over and over as the red mist of anger-fuelled arousal gradually receded. 

Olivia tensed beneath her, obviously sensing her abrupt change in mood.  "Don't freak out," she said, but it was much, much too late for that. 

Natalia raised her head.  "I'm not," she lied, scrambling away from Olivia's touch like a skittish rabbit.  "I just...I don't know what just happened." 

Olivia attempted a smile.  "I thought you said you weren't naïve," she said. 

Natalia groaned, dropping her head into her hands.  "Oh my God," she said again, and there was no mistaking the horror in her voice. 

"Hey, this was your idea," Olivia said.  She sounded like she was beginning to panic.  "I didn't expect that.  I didn't ask for it." 

Natalia shook her head.  "I didn't expect it either," she said.  "I don't know what...oh my God." 

"Look, can we just leave God out of this?" Olivia said as she self-consciously pulled her shirt closed and covered her legs with a sheet. 

Natalia looked up.  There was a bleak sadness in her eyes.  "I don't know what came over me," she muttered.  "I...I don't do things like that.  I don't talk like that.  That's not me." 

Olivia seemed to get smaller as she crossed her arms defensively over her chest and hunched her shoulders.  "You got a little carried away," she said.  "It's nothing to be ashamed of." 

"But it is!" Natalia insisted.  "Making love is supposed to be beautiful and pure and...and holy.  What we just did was...was..."  She trailed off, unable to find the words. 

"That wasn't making love, Natalia," Olivia said, a little sharply.  "That was sex." 

Natalia's jaw hardened.  "It was vulgar," she said.  " _I_ was vulgar.  It was cheap and sordid and-" 

"Sinful?" Olivia ventured. 

"Yes!" Natalia replied, without thinking. 

For half a second there was no reaction, but then hot tears sprung to Olivia's eyes.  "I knew it," she muttered bitterly.  "I knew it." 

Natalia scraped her hands through her hair.  "You don't understand," she said. 

"I understand fine," Olivia replied, wiping at her eyes with shaking fingers.  "I understand that you've been sending me the mother of all mixed signals for months.  I understand that I never asked you for _anything_.  I understand that you were the one who pushed for this horrible sin we've apparently just committed." 

Natalia ground her teeth, clenching and unclenching her fists rhythmically.  "I don't even know who I am anymore," she snapped.  Weeks, months, perhaps even years of uncertainty bubbled up inside her, threatening to spill over.  "I look in the mirror and I don't recognise myself.  This doesn't happen in my world.  I'm not the kind of woman who loses herself in...in lust."  The last word came out as a hiss. 

Blood rushed to her cheeks as she recalled how wanton, how carnal she had been.  The things she'd done, the things she'd _said_...she doubted she'd ever even used words like those before.  She couldn't bring herself to repeat them, even in her thoughts.  She had been so angry with Olivia, so filled with rage and jealousy and heat, it was like someone else had taken over her body.  A stranger with her face. 

"For crying out loud Natalia, you've been with men!" Olivia exclaimed.  "Haven't you ever just got caught up in the heat of the moment?" 

"No!" Natalia replied, shaking her head firmly. 

"Sounds like you've been having some pretty lousy sex then," Olivia snorted. 

"Yeah, well you're the expert on that," Natalia replied, and regretted it instantly. 

Olivia's nostrils flared.  "Yeah, yeah, Olivia Spencer the town whore.  I'm so sorry I corrupted you, oh sweet innocent practically virginal one." 

Natalia let out a little squeal of frustration.  "I didn't mean that.  Don't put words in my mouth!" 

Olivia rolled her eyes and moved back, further away from Natalia.  "I'm not.  No-one's putting words in your mouth.  There isn't some magical force writing a script for you and making you say things you don't mean." 

Natalia shook her head and tears nipped behind her eyes.  "I know," she murmured.  "I know.  It's just...look, I've never felt anything even remotely like that before.  I've never even..." she trailed off, blushing hard. 

"Never what?"  Olivia leaned forward a little, intrigued in spite of herself. 

Natalia couldn't look at her.  "I've never...you know."  She made a meaningless gesture with her hands. 

"No, I don't know," Olivia insisted, but there was a wicked gleam in her eye. 

Natalia sighed.  "Don't make me say it," she pleaded. 

Olivia relented.  "You've never...had an orgasm?" she asked, raising an eyebrow.  "Is that what you're trying to say?" 

Natalia whimpered.  "Don't make fun of me," she muttered. 

Olivia shook her head.  "I'm not," she said.  "That's...not even remotely funny.  That's tragic." 

Natalia flushed.  "Don't be dramatic."  Her voice was hard.  "A child starving to death is a tragedy.  My failure to have a...an-" 

"Orgasm," Olivia interjected helpfully. 

"-is not a tragedy," Natalia finished, flashing Olivia a withering glance. 

Olivia shook her head.  "You're wrong.  Maybe if you'd had better sex in the past I wouldn't be sitting here with a thirty four year old woman who can't handle the fact that she just enjoyed herself!" 

Natalia looked away.  She spotted her pants in a heap on the floor and suddenly realised she was still half naked.  With a groan of profound embarrassment she reached for them, desperate to be covered up again.  "You make me so angry," she muttered. 

Olivia raised an eyebrow.  "You're not going to jump me again, are you?" 

Natalia barked out a short, humourless laugh.  "Uh, no," she said, hastily pulling up and fastening her slacks.  She froze when she felt Olivia's hand covering hers. 

"Natalia," Olivia murmured softly.  "Look...you're a passionate woman.  You put all of yourself into everything you do.  So maybe there are some parts of you buried really deep down that you didn't know were there?  It doesn't mean you've changed.  You're still the same woman.  You're still the woman I love." 

She turned her head slowly to meet the other woman's steady gaze.  "Am I?" she asked.  "I don't feel like the same woman.  I don't feel like myself at all." 

Olivia's eyes were sad.  "You'll feel like that for a while," she said.  "Change is...well, scary.  I didn't react so well the first time you popped into my head while I was-" 

"Ah, don't!" Natalia interrupted, clamping her hands over her ears. 

Olivia's head drooped.  She took a deep breath.  "Look...if you can't handle this, being in this kind of relationship with all that it means, I need to know.  I can't do this with you if it's going to make you feel like you're dirty or sinful.  You deserve better than that." 

Natalia hesitated briefly and then gently took Olivia's hand.  "So do you," she said. 

Olivia bit her lip, tears swimming in her eyes.  "So...what does this mean?  What happens now?" 

Natalia took a deep, shuddering breath.  "I don't know," she admitted.  "I know that this was a mistake.  We shouldn't have done this.  Not now, anyway.  I know that this whole...everything with you is drawing out bits of me I never even imagined could exist.  I don't know if I like those parts of me.  I don't know if I should be embracing them or running from them.  I just...don't know anything anymore." 

Silent tears streamed down Olivia's cheeks.  "You've been feeling like this for a long time, haven't you?" she asked.  "This isn't just about today." 

Natalia shook her head.  "No," she sighed.  "When we came back from the spa I just felt so lost.  I felt like everyone was looking at me, like I'd grown two heads or something.  And I guess I have.  There's another Natalia living inside me, and I don't know which one of us is real."  She glanced up at Olivia's stricken face.  "I'm sorry," she whimpered.  "I should have told you.  I shouldn't have hidden all this from you.  I never wanted to hurt you, Olivia." 

Olivia managed a tight smile.  "You haven't," she said, but the lie was practically a solid object in the space between them. 

"I have," she replied, refusing to allow Olivia to let her off the hook.  "I'm sorry."  She shrugged with one shoulder, hating the inadequacy of the words.  "I do love you," she whispered. 

"Love might not be enough," Olivia replied, her voice husky and raw.  "Love needs room to breathe.  It can't live with fear and shame and self-hatred.  I should know." 

They lapsed into silence, both afraid to look at the other, and afraid to speak in case they shattered something else. 

Natalia's cellphone shattered the silence at last.  She grabbed for it, gritting her teeth when she saw who was calling.  "Hey mom," she said.  She listened quietly for a long moment.  Olivia could hear the sound of high pitched yelling down the line.  "I'm sorry," Natalia said at last, when she could get a word in.  "There was something I needed to do.  I didn't think it could wait."  She glanced at Olivia who looked away.  She caught herself wishing that she'd never left the church, never come to the hotel, never seen Olivia.  Then they could go back to pretending that everything was going to be all right.  She wouldn't have this yawning chasm of emptiness in the pit of her stomach.  "I'll be back soon," she said into the phone and hung up while her mom was still speaking. 

Olivia was looking at her hands.  "I'm going back to Springfield," she said in a small voice.  "Rafe has a plane ticket for Friday.  I'll pick him up and take him back to the halfway house if you're not with him." 

Natalia closed her eyes.  "Don't leave it like this," she said.  "Please." 

Olivia shrugged.  "How else can we leave it?" she asked.  "You need to decide who you are and what you want.  I can't make those choices for you."  Her voice cracked a little.  "All I can do is tell you that I love you and I want to be with you...more than anything.  Not just for an afternoon.  Not for a month, or a year, or five years.  I want you to be my happy ending, Natalia." 

Tears stung Natalia's eyes and spilled over at last onto her cheeks.  "I don't know if I can be," she admitted, feeling like a piece of her soul was being ripped out with every word. 

Olivia's voice was just as raw and heartbroken.  "I know," she whispered.  "But...you know where I am.  When you're ready.  And until then...we're still friends, right?" 

"Always," Natalia replied instantly.  Olivia nodded and tried to smile through her tears.  "Olivia..." Natalia murmured and couldn't stop herself from reaching over and taking the other woman into her arms.  Something inside her shifted and settled into place as she felt the press of Olivia's body against her.  A sigh escaped her lips. 

She had figured out two things.  One: apparently she really enjoyed sex with women.  The experience had been a total revelation, one that she wasn't quite sure what to do with yet.  Two: Olivia made her feel things that no-one ever had, not even Gus.  She knew that she would not be able to stop craving her, even though what had happened felt so wrong.  But it was crystal clear to her now, as she felt the warmth of Olivia's skin against hers and the thunder of her pulse in her ears, she didn't think she could make herself stop wanting it. 

Two questions, then, had been answered.  It was just a shame that they had thrown up so many more in their place. 

* * *

The tears didn't come when she said goodbye.  They didn't come in the elevator, though she could tell they were in the mail.  They didn't come in the lobby.  They came when she emerged into the crowds of North Michigan Avenue, and were swallowed up by the noise and the traffic and the thunder of the city sweeping past her as she stood there, hugging her own chest and cradling one of the hearts she had just broken.  The other was ten floors up in the building she'd just left.  Every fibre of her being cried out for her to go back and fix it, to think of something to say or do to make everything better, but she couldn't  There was nothing she could think of that would make this better and even if inspiration were to suddenly strike her, would she have the courage to follow through? 

With trembling fingers Natalia reached for her cellphone.  She could feel a few stares and second glances as she hunted through her contacts, but for once she didn't care.  Let them look.  Hadn't they ever seen a devastated woman crying in the street before?  Honestly. 

" _Natalia, hey!_ "  Natalia could hear the smile in Selina's voice and it just made her want to cry harder. 

"Hey," she whimpered. 

Happiness turned to concern instantly.  " _What's wrong?_ " she asked. 

Natalia swallowed.  "Uhm," she began, swallowing hard.  "I...something just happened." 

" _Where are you?_ "  Selina's voice was strong and steady.  Natalia clung to it like a life preserver. 

"I'm outside the Omni, downtown," she said. 

" _Right...there's a Starbucks just down the street, about half a mile.  Go there and wait for me.  I'll be about twenty minutes.  Okay?_ " 

Natalia nodded, then suddenly realised that Selina couldn't see her.  "Okay," she said and hung up. 

She didn't remember anything about the ten minute walk to the coffee shop.  One foot stepped in front of the other as if on autopilot until she arrived in front of the familiar plate glass and green lettering of Starbucks the world over.  She made her way inside and ordered a latte for Selina and the largest, sweetest, coldest frappuccino on the menu for herself, with extra whipped cream and caramel.  She needed to cool down.  And she needed to be rescued from a pit of shock and despair - what better than an overdose of sugar? 

Sinking down into a cool, comfortable leather chair with her drinks she sighed deeply and closed her eyes.  She cast her mind back to all the previous standout momentous days of her life.  Her confirmation, when she had been anointed and accepted into the Church.  She had heard a howl of wind outside the church and felt the Holy Spirit's presence just as surely as she could feel the girl in the pew beside her or the bishop smearing a cross of oil onto her brow.  The day Rafe was born and she'd known her world had changed forever.  From that day to this she'd spent every waking moment thinking of him.  The day Gus died and her dreams for the future along with him.  The day she'd given his heart to a woman she could barely stand.  A woman who had wormed her way into her life until suddenly, without conscious thought or choice, she'd found that she _was_ her life. 

And today.  Her father's funeral.  Olivia.  And the realisation that she, Natalia, was not who she thought she was.  That there was another person inside her straining at the ropes she'd spent a lifetime tying securely round her wrists. 

"Hey," Selina said, collapsing heavily into the seat opposite her.  "Is that for me?" 

Natalia held out the latte without a word and took a quick sip of her own drink.  "Hey," she said at last.  "I'm sorry I dragged you down here..." 

"Don't be silly," Selina replied, waving her hand dismissively.  "Any excuse to get out of the office." 

Natalia seemed to be very interested in her drink.  The cream had begun to melt.  Condensation had formed on the smooth plastic of the cup and now dripped down slowly onto the lapel of her dark jacket.  She didn't appear to notice.  "It was my dad's funeral today," she said in a faraway voice. 

Selina nodded.  "Yeah, you told me the other night," she replied gently 

"I left early." 

Selina frowned, then leaned forward and placed a hand on Natalia's knee.  "Is it your mom?" she asked.  "Did she say something?" 

Natalia's lips twitched in a parody of a smile.  "No, it's not my mom," she said.  She took a deep breath.  "It's Olivia.  Olivia freakin' Spencer..." 

Selina's frown deepened.  "Should I know who-" she began, then sat up a little straighter.  "Oh," she said.  "Oh!  The Olivia that guy was calling you about?  Your boss?" 

Natalia nodded tightly.  "She's here." 

Selina sat back in her chair and took a long sip of her cooling coffee.  "She's not just your boss, is she?" she said.  "She's your girlfriend, right?" 

Natalia's face twisted in distaste.  "Girlfriend?" she said.  The word seemed wholly inadequate to describe the many, many things Olivia Spencer was to her.  "We're not twelve." 

Selina laughed, briefly and humourlessly, a little bit of anger creeping into her tone.  "Yeah, well, I'm afraid one of the many, many consequences of our government being stuck in the dark ages is a problem of nomenclature.  I've been in a committed relationship for twelve years.  I'd have married her a hundred times over, but I can't.  So she's my _girlfriend_.  Sorry if that's a little sophomore for your tastes Natalia, but we queers have to take whatever scraps we can get." 

Natalia remembered to blink after a few moments and snapped her jaw shut.  "Sorry," she said.  "I didn't think...I mean you didn't mention her the other night..." 

Selina shrugged.  "I would have done, but you were out of there so fast after you got that phone call I didn't get the chance." 

Natalia flushed.  She had beaten an indecently hasty retreat, that was true.  "Sorry," she mumbled again, gripping her slippery cup a little tighter. 

Selina's face softened.  "It's okay," she said.  "You're new at this, right?"  Natalia nodded tightly.  "I thought so." 

Natalia managed a smile.  "I guess I'm pretty obvious," she said. 

"Just a bit."  Selina returned the smile.  "So, Olivia's here?" she prodded when no further information seemed to be forthcoming. 

Natalia flushed a deep and very interesting shade of red.  "She...I...we-" she tried, unsure of how to even begin. 

Selina raised an eyebrow.  "You've seen her," she guessed.  Natalia nodded.  "Did you fight?" 

Another tight nod.  "Yes," Natalia said. 

Selina leaned forward.  "Did you kiss and make up?"  There was laughter in her voice now.  Natalia groaned and buried her face in her hands. 

"Oh my God," she muttered.  If anything Selina's smile grew wider. 

"Natalia Rivera," she said, amused shock written all over her face.  "Did you just run out of your father's funeral to go to a hotel room and have sex with your girlfriend?" 

A groan was her only reply and she laughed until she realised that Natalia was crying.  She was out of her seat in an instant, kneeling in front of her friend and pulling her into her arms.  "Oh my God," Natalia repeated as Selina's hands came up to clumsily pat her back.  It really wasn't the best angle for this. 

"What's wrong?" Selina asked, trying desperately to comfort the distraught woman in her arms. 

"It was all wrong," Natalia murmured, burying her head in the crook of Selina's shoulder.  "It was all wrong...and now she's leaving." 

Selina caught the eyes of the few people staring at them, daring them silently to say something.  They all looked away.  "Was it your first time?" she asked gently.  Natalia nodded and Selina sighed.  "Yeah, well it's only to be expected that it wouldn't be very good the first time," she said.  "If you've only been with men before...I mean it's new and different and you shouldn't beat yourself up if it wasn't everything you'd hoped for-" 

Natalia cut off Selina's rambling monologue by raising her head.  "Oh, you don't get it," she said.  "It wasn't _bad_.  It was _good_.  Really, really good."  She closed her eyes, wiping harshly at her tears.  "That's why it was so wrong." 

Selina rocked back on her heels, dumbfounded.  "My God," she said at last.  "I knew you were repressed, but this is ridiculous." 

Natalia's eyes snapped open.  "What?" 

Selina laughed.  "I can't believe I'm actually sitting here comforting a woman who's distraught because she just had _good_ sex.  Dear God, Natalia, what'll you be like when you have a real problem?" 

There was a long pause, then Natalia looked away.  "I don't see why you have to make fun of me," she mumbled, tears springing to her eyes again. 

Selina sighed and ran her hands through her hair as she perched once again on the edge of her seat.  "I'm not," she said, her voice gentling.  "At least I don't mean to.  Why don't we start again.  Can you tell me exactly what the problem is?" 

Natalia looked down at her trembling hands and took a breath.  "It's me," she admitted.  "I...it was so strange.  I've never felt like that before, never acted like that before.  It was like I just lost myself somehow..." 

Selina frowned.  "So..." 

"So, I don't know what it means," Natalia explained, throwing her hands in the air.  "Who am I now?  What does it mean that I...that I _enjoyed_ it so much?" 

Selina sat back in her chair, fighting the urge to laugh.  She didn't want Natalia to think she was making fun of her again.  "I can think of one thing," she said. 

Natalia shrugged.  "What?" 

Selina smiled.  "Well...answer me a couple of questions first," she said.  "How many men have you been with?" 

Natalia flushed.  "I don't see what that has to do-" 

"Humour me," Selina interrupted.  "How many?" 

There was a pause as Natalia took a breath.  "Two," she said at last.  "But the second one didn't really count." 

Selina raised an eyebrow.  "How so?" 

Natalia shrugged.  "I was just using him," she admitted.  "I was running away from my...my feelings...for Olivia.  I'd hoped...I don't know what  I'd hoped." 

"That he'd straighten you out?" Selina ventured.  Natalia shook her head at first and then slowly nodded, biting her lip.  Selina chuckled softly.  "Yeah, he did a real good job there, huh?" she said.  Natalia flushed.  "And the other one was Nicky Augustino, I suppose," Selina finished.  "And we both know why you slept with him." 

Natalia nodded.  "I loved him," she said. 

Selina shook her head, frowning.  "No, I meant...you know, what happened with us," she said. 

Natalia felt every muscle suddenly tense.  "Nothing happened with us," she said coldly. 

Selina did a double take.  "But...the other night you said-" 

"That doesn't mean anything," Natalia insisted.  Selina laughed. 

"I beg to differ," she replied.  "Christina's party?  December...no, January '91?  That game of spin the bottle?  Am I ringing any bells?" 

Natalia's heart pounded as her mind flashed back to that night.  A circle of giggling, slightly drunk teenagers gathered round an empty beer bottle.  Selina had been there, and Nicky, along with five or six others whose faces had blended into one with the passage of time.  She remembered Selina spinning the bottle, remembered how she had held her breath and thought she was going to die when it finished spinning and pointed at her.  She remembered hesitant, unskilled lips and the hooting and cat-calls of the boys. 

"That didn't count," she said, shaking her head. 

Selina pinned her with a steady gaze.  "It counted," she said.  "Don't deny it." 

Natalia looked away.  "I'm not denying anything," she said.  Selina cut her off with a laugh. 

"You're denying everything," she said.  "But I'm sure you haven't forgotten what else happened that night.  After I kissed you...it was your turn.  You got Nicky.  You were all over him, remember?  You really pushed for it."  She leaned forward.  "Is that the night your son was conceived?" 

Natalia blushed.  "Yes," she muttered.  Selina snorted with laughter and if anything Natalia's blush deepened.  "What exactly are you trying to say?" 

Selina shrugged.  "Just that it can't be a co-incidence that you've slept with two men in your life and you started it with both of them because you were scared of your feelings for another woman."  She grasped her friend's hands.  "Natalia," she murmured, kindly now.  "Isn't all this even just a little suggestive to you?  Don't you think you might be-" 

"What?" Natalia asked breathlessly, not sure if she even wanted to hear what Selina was about to say. 

"Well..." her friend continued, then rolled her eyes.  Did she really need to be hit over the head with this?  "I mean...oh come on!  You're gay, Natalia.  Really, really gay." 

For a long moment there was silence and stillness, as if the world had stopped spinning.  Then Natalia flinched and pulled her hands away from Selina's as if burned.  She grabbed her purse and stood.  "No," she muttered, unable to meet Selina's eyes.  "You're wrong.  I'm not...I can't be.  I'm a mother.  I make cookies for church bake sales.  I have a normal life.  I _can't_ be...I can't." 

"Natalia," Selina began, reaching out to her, but it was too late.  Natalia was gone, sweeping out of the shop like a bat out of hell and all but running down the street. 

Selina sighed deeply and punched the arm of her chair in frustration.  "Oh, well done, very tactful," she said to herself bitterly.  "That'll be another layer of repression welded on tight."  She shook her head. 

There was only one person who'd shown any success at getting through to her friend.  A woman who'd managed to get the tightly controlled Natalia Rivera so worked up that she'd run out of her own father's funeral to be with her.  Olivia "freakin'" Spencer.  Who was at the Omni, a mere half a mile away. 

Selina downed the last of her now cold coffee.  It was time she and the intriguing Ms Spencer had a little chat... 

* * *

Olivia lay on the bed for a long time after Natalia left, struggling to breathe, struggling to remember why she should even _care_ about breathing.  What did it matter?  What need did her clammy skin, her fractured brain and her broken heart have for oxygen?  Better to just lie there until she passed out and hope not to wake up. 

But no.  She had a daughter at home who needed her.  She couldn't wallow in self pity now, not like when Gus died.  Back then there had been people around to pick up her slack, to shield Emma from the worst of her depression and hopelessness.  Ava, and Frank, and Buzz and Natalia.  Most of all Natalia.  All of them out of her reach now, either through distance or betrayal or her own stupid mistakes. 

And yet again, her mistakes had taken a familiar form. 

Sex.  Why did it have to be such a big deal?  Why did it always cause her so many problems?  Why the hell couldn't she just do without it? 

She'd meant to tell Natalia that she could.  She'd had the whole line planned out, about how she loved Natalia so much, and how she respected her and her beliefs, how she'd be able to go on forever as they were, with hand holding and hugs and very occasional kisses on the cheek.  Perhaps even a kiss on the lips now and again, if she was very good - maybe on her birthday and at Christmas. 

Well, Natalia had shot that idea to hell.  And a few other things too, including Olivia's sanity, dreams and hopes for the future.  She might get another kiss from Natalia on her 100th birthday if she was lucky.  And as for Christmas?  Try the second coming. 

It took her about half an hour to finally drag herself off the bed.  Her suitcase was in the corner of the room, untouched.  There was nothing for her to do, no last minute clothes to pack or preparations to make.  All that was required was one last look around the room where she had so briefly had everything she wanted, before it was snatched away.  A thirty second ride in the elevator later and she was in the lobby, waiting in a long line to check out. 

She'd picked the worst possible time of day for this.  It seemed like everyone wanted to check out of the hotel at that exact moment.  And only two clerks on duty?  Really?  She cast a critical eye over their setup.  God, The Beacon ran so much more smoothly.  You didn't have to wait in a line to check out in _her_ hotel.  You just posted your key into a dropbox along with a comment card.  And if there was anything wrong with the room or any extra charges were needed, well, that's why they had an imprint of the guests' credit cards. 

Spying a comment card on a rack she grabbed it and spent a contented five minutes filling it out in scathing language.  So Natalia had turned her world upside down.  She'd take it out on the poor bastard who had to read these comment cards. 

She was toying between the words _moronic_ and _incompetent_ when she heard her name.  "I'm looking for a guest of yours.  Olivia Spencer?" 

She looked up.  The speaker was a woman, younger than her, maybe Natalia's age, wearing a dark blue skirt and jacket with a light blue shirt.  Her blonde hair was up in a bun, but a few tendrils had shaken loose at the front.  The woman pushed them behind her ears as she looked at the desk clerk expectantly. 

"Who are you?" Olivia asked.  The stranger turned round and fixed her with very blue eyes. 

"Ms Spencer, I presume," she said, holding out a hand.  Short fingernails with clear nail polish, Olivia noted as she took it.  And a firm handshake.  "I'm Selina Steiner.  A friend of Natalia's." 

Olivia pulled her hand away quickly.  "Natalia?" 

Selina smiled kindly.  "Maybe we could go somewhere and talk." 

Olivia took a step back.  "Why are you here?" 

"Just looking out for my friend," Selina replied, shrugging. 

Olivia shook her head.  "Right.  Come to warn me off?  Want to get Natalia back on the straight and narrow?" 

Selina snorted with laughter.  "Yeah, I like you already," she said.  Olivia blinked twice, staring at her.  "Oh please," Selina continued.  "You're talking to a woman with a rainbow flag tattooed on her ass.  I'm not here to give you a hard time."  She wrapped her fingers round a slightly stunned Olivia's elbow and steered her away from the queue of business men and tourists.  "Now, would you let me buy you a drink so we can talk about how we're going to get Natalia to come to her senses?" 

Olivia allowed herself to be dragged into the hotel bar without protest.  "Mine's a martini," she said.  "Don't skimp on the olives." 

Selina perched herself on a bar stool and waved the bartender over.  "Two martinis, plenty of olives," she said, then turned her attention to the woman beside her.  "So," she said.  "I am _very_ excited to be meeting you at last." 

Olivia shifted a little in her seat.  "Has she...has she been talking about me?" she asked, a note of hope creeping into her voice.  Selina shook her head. 

"Not really," she said.  "Crying about you on the other hand..." 

Olivia seemed to grow smaller.  She dropped her eyes.  "Fantastic," she muttered bitterly. 

Selina smirked.  "So, tell me," she said, taking a quick sip of her martini, "are you a fully paid up member of the sapphic sisterhood or are you going through all this _who am I, what does this mean_ bullshit too?" 

Olivia choked with an olive between her teeth.  Selina slapped her on the back rolling her eyes.  "Jesus," Olivia spluttered. 

"I hope you don't blaspheme like that in front of Natalia," Selina said, now rubbing Olivia's heaving back. 

Olivia coughed.  "No," she muttered.  "But then Natalia hasn't ever used the phrase _sapphic sisterhood_." 

Selina laughed.  "Colour me shocked," she deadpanned.  A quick flick of her hand in the direction of the bartender produced a tall glass of water which Olivia accepted gratefully. 

"Thanks," Olivia murmured, taking a long sip and swallowing hard.  Selina watched the movement of her throat, taking in the darkening bruise surrounding a light bite mark just below her ear. 

"So," she said smoothly.  "Tell me about Natalia." 

Olivia shrugged with one shoulder.  "What can I tell you?  Aren't you her friend?" 

Selina made a dismissive gesture with one hand.  "I've seen her twice in the last eighteen years.  I'm sure you have plenty of gossip to share."  She nodded pointedly at the love bite adorning the smooth expanse of Olivia's neck.  "You two are... _close_ , aren't you?" 

Olivia looked down into her drink.  "She's the best friend I've ever had," she said quietly.  "She...uh..." She paused, shaking her head and flashing a rueful smile.  "There's never been anyone who ever...ever cared about me the way she does."  She looked up at Selina briefly.  "So yes, you could say we're close." 

Selina didn't speak for a moment.  Instead she leaned forward and grazed her fingers across Olivia's neck.  "I've never had a friend who left a mark on me like that," she said softly. 

Olivia rubbed the bite self-consciously, then let her hand travel down to rest over her heart.  "It's not the only one she's left," she said. 

Selina took a sip of her drunk.  "I can see that," she said.  "Why don't you tell me about it." 

And so Olivia did, letting the whole story spill out - Gus, her illness, the transplant, the fights, the pushing and pulling, the give and take, the uneasy truces and explosive arguments, the tentative friendship, the farmhouse, the family, the two mommies, the kiss that didn't count, the graveyard, the aborted wedding, the gazebo, the spa, the tenth floor hotel room and the seeming finality of their last goodbye. 

"Wow," Selina breathed when Olivia's litany had finally choked itself into silence.  "You've had a hell of a year, haven't you?  Like something lifted right out of a soap opera." 

Olivia raised her glass towards her and smirked.  "Welcome to my life," she muttered darkly, and downed the rest of her martini in one gulp. 

"Same again over here," Selina called, meeting the bartender's eyes. 

"I shouldn't," Olivia murmured.  "The last time I got drunk with a beautiful woman it got me into trouble." 

Selina raised one perfectly sculpted eyebrow.  "You think I'm beautiful?" she said. 

Olivia flushed.  "I've got eyes don't I?" she replied, a little defensively. 

Selina laughed.  "Don't worry, I take it as a compliment," she said.  "You're not so bad yourself you know.  I can definitely understand what she sees in you."  She smiled.  "And I guess that answers my question.  You're not in the middle of an identity crisis then?" 

Olivia shrugged.  "Not anymore," she said.  "I was for a while.  A long while, if I'm honest."  She sighed.  "I've been married five times," she admitted.  "That is not the track record of a woman who likes women.  And I guess I never really thought of myself that way.  I thought things were very black and white."  She took a sip of her fresh martini.  "I thought that being attracted to Natalia meant giving something up.  Like I had to choose, you know?  But I'm discovering that I don't.  I can look at men, I can look at women, and I'm still just me.  I really haven't changed."  She shrugged.  "So I now have another three billion or so people to hypothetically lust after.  It doesn't matter.  It really doesn't matter one bit who I am or am not capable of wanting.  There's only one person I love."  She sat staring at her drink for a long moment until she felt the warm press of fingers on her hand and she looked up. 

"Then why are you running away?" Selina asked softly. 

Olivia shook her head.  "I'm not," she said, her voice cracking a little.  "But what's the point of trying to push it?  She needs her space.  And when you love someone and you're a family you have to know when to hold on tight and when to let go..." 

Selina rolled her eyes.  "Right, okay.  If you love something let it go, yadda yadda.  Bullshit."  Olivia's head snapped round.  "Let me tell you something about Natalia," Selina continued.  "She's locked up so damn tight that she doesn't even know who the hell she is.  She's been like that longer than you've known her, trust me.  Somewhere along the line a long time ago she created an image of herself and she's spent her whole adult life denying anything that doesn't fit.  Pruning away at uncomfortable truths with denial and shame and the kind of manufactured guilt that only a fucking Catholic can torture themselves with."  She paused for breath, holding her hand up to stop Olivia from interrupting.  "You know, when we were fifteen her mom told her she couldn't see me anymore.  Because I had the most obvious baby-dyke crush in the history of the world.  And you know what?  Even after she left home and her mother's disapproval really wasn't on her list of priorities?  She didn't call me.  Didn't come to see me.  Made no effort to try to include me in her life at all.  And you know why?"  Selina grabbed Olivia's hand and squeezed.  "Because she was feeling it too, and it scared the shit out of her.  So she just ignored it.  She ran away.  And if you don't stay here and fight for her that's exactly...what will happen...again." 

Olivia shook her head.  "Don't sell her short," she said.  "I know her.  She's so much braver and stronger than people give her credit for." 

Selina nodded.  "Against enemies she can understand, sure," she said.  "Against poverty and hardship and other people's bullshit.  Not against herself.  She's totally lost right now.  If you leave her like this she'll just shut down."  She smiled kindly.  "What she needs right now is...I don't know, a light.  To guide her out of all this darkness and confusion.  She needs _you_ , whether she would ever admit it or not.  Don't abandon her." 

Olivia blinked once, then twice, her jaw hanging slightly open.  "I..." she began, then cleared her throat.  "I'd need to make a few calls..." 

"Fine!" Selina exclaimed.  "Do it, do whatever you need.  Just don't roll over, okay?  I can help you." 

Olivia managed a smile.  "So we attack on two fronts?" she said.  "That hardly seems fair." 

Selina leaned forward and gave her a conspiratorial wink.  "You know what Olivia?" she said.  "I'm pretty sure this is one of those situations in which _all_ is fair..." 

* * *

The apartment was crowded, and because it was crowded it was hot.  A bead of sweat travelled down the back of Rafe's neck and joined its brothers soaking into the collar of his overstarched white shirt, the shirt that Olivia had bought for him to go with the ridiculously expensive suit he was wearing.  Also a gift from her.  She'd muttered something about it doubling up for job interviews as she'd insisted he take it, and he hadn't argued.  He didn't think his mom would like it though - she hated taking gifts from anyone.  All through his childhood he'd listened to the same three words over and over again - _we're not beggars_.  Only once had his mother ever resorted to charity, when he'd been in the hospital for weeks, his blood sugar levels jumping all over the place, and she'd lost all three of the jobs she'd been working because she refused to leave his side.  When the doctors finally figured out the right medication for him she'd gone to the St Vincent de Paul society for help with the expense, and boy had they made her pay for it.  Not financially perhaps - but they'd extracted their pound of flesh from her in pride alone. 

"Have you met my grandson?" 

His grandmother's voice knocked him out of the past and sent him reeling back into the present.  He blinked as an unfamiliar man grasped his hand between sweaty palms and wrung it, enthusing all the while about how much he looked like Emilio, the grandfather he'd never laid eyes on. 

"Uh...thanks," he managed to say, surreptitiously wiping his sweaty hand on the seat of his pants.  He glanced over at his grandmother who was smiling at him in a way he couldn't quite understand. 

"Such a handsome boy," she murmured, and for a moment Rafe had the horrendous impression that she was going to pinch his cheeks.  Instead she smoothed her palm from his hairline to his chin before tugging at his hand and dragging him to meet yet more relatives. 

"This is your second cousin Maria," she said.  "And your great aunt Isabel."  He shook both their hands, attempting to smile. 

Isabel looked him up and down.  "Natalia's son," she said.  "Well well.  Has anyone told you that you look just like your grandfather?" 

Rafe laughed nervously.  "Uh...someone might have mentioned it," he said. 

Maria laughed.  "I'll bet they have," she muttered, then smiled kindly.  "Do you remember me?" she asked.  "I knew you when you were a little boy, before I went to college and moved away.  I would babysit you sometimes." 

Rafe shook his head dumbly.  He'd had no idea his mother had had any contact with anyone in her family after she'd got pregnant with him and left home.  From the looks Isabel and Josephine were giving Maria, it was clear it had come as a surprise to them too.  Isabel whispered something in heated Spanish, much too quickly for Rafe to catch.  Maria simply shook her head and rolled her eyes.  "Really Ma, it was fifteen years ago.  Get over it."  She turned her attention to Rafe.  "How would you like to get out of here for a while?  You could fill me on what's been going on in your life since you were in diapers." 

The answer _hell yes_ was on the tip of his tongue, but before he could speak Josephine curled a hand round his elbow.  "There are still a lot of people who want to meet him," she said coldly.  Rafe frowned.  The temperature in the room seemed to have chilled all of a sudden.  If the atmosphere could have had any say in the matter the sweat on his back would have frozen.  Josephine was staring at Maria like she was Judas himself.  Obviously she didn't approve of the fact that Maria had kept seeing his mother after she'd left home.  But then, that didn't make any sense.  Why was she showing him off like this?  Wasn't he the occasion of his mother's sin?  Wasn't he the source of the shame that had forced her from this home and this family all those years ago?  Why was his grandmother behaving as if all her Christmases and birthdays had come at once now he was finally in her life? 

"My grandson, Raphael," she said proudly to the next stranger.  "Isn't he handsome?" 

Rafe managed to flash a confused smile as the stranger spoke to him in mile-a-minute-Spanish.  "Uh...más despacio, por favor," he muttered, but when his great uncle or third cousin twice removed or whatever he was started to repeat himself Rafe wasn't listening.  His attention had been caught by the sight of his mother slipping in the door quietly, obviously hoping not to be noticed. 

It had been no more than three hours or so since he'd last seen her but she looked like she had aged at least five years.  Her skin was almost grey and her eyes were puffy and red.  He could see where she'd rubbed at her eyes to get rid of her ruined mascara.  She looked...small.  As small as he'd ever seen her. 

He was by her side in three seconds, abandoning whoever the distant relative had been without a backward glance.  "Ma," he whispered softly as he approached and laid a steady hand on her shoulder.  "Are you okay?" 

Natalia nodded faintly, and before Rafe could speak again he felt a presence behind him.  He turned without releasing his hold on his mother's shoulder.  Josephine was there, watching her daughter, and all the warmth and pride that had been written on her face just moments before as she'd shown him off was gone, replaced by a cold disdain and a curl of the lip. 

"Come with me Raphael," she said.  "Your great-uncle Ricardo hadn't finished talking to you."  She dragged him away with a surprisingly strong grip.  Rafe watched his mother almost sink into the wall, hugging her own chest and sighing deeply, before he was forced to look away. 

* * *

Natalia felt a spark of anger erupt in the pit of her stomach as she watched her mother lead her son away, and was glad of it.  Getting mad at her mother would be a pleasant distraction from the turmoil in her head and her heart.  She briefly considered following them, grabbing her son and driving them both back to Springfield as fast as her beat up old Chevy could manage.  But then, Springfield wasn't where she wanted to be either.  She wanted to be somewhere where her life made sense, and that wasn't a place at all but a time - before Olivia Spencer had breezed into her life and forced her to grow, to change, and to face so many uncomfortable and long-buried truths. 

Truths like possibly being gay.  Or _really, really gay_ , as Selina had so succinctly put it. 

So strange, really, that she'd never thought about this.  Even after trying to kiss Olivia, after admitting she was in love with her, after planning to have a relationship with, even after having sex with her for crying out loud, she had never once considered what it meant for her, or for her own identity.  Not until Selina had given it a name, and now she couldn't think of anything else.  She was surprised the word _lesbian_ hadn't spontaneously appeared on her forehead, so exposed and vulnerable did she feel.  She was sure everyone who looked at her must be able to see it immediately. 

There certainly were stares and whispers, but the snatches that carried over to her through the rumble of general conversation covered familiar ground.  _His daughter...pregnat at sixteen...ran out of the funeral_.  She sighed and closed her eyes, wishing she could close her ears. 

"Well, you certainly know how to keep things interesting," a sly voice whispered in her ear.  She opened her eyes. 

"Maria," she said, and managed a smile for her cousin who wrapped her up in her arms.  "How are you?" 

"I'm good," she replied, then ducked her head towards the door.  "Can we go in the other room?  It's so damn hot in here." 

Natalia nodded her assent and the two women escaped to the cramped, but relatively cool, confines of Natalia's bedroom.  Natalia flopped down onto the bed immediately, trying not to recall the softness of the bed in Olivia's hotel room, or how the sheets had felt pressed against her naked skin. 

"This place is freaky," Maria muttered as she wrenched open the window and quickly lit a cigarette.  "I'd have thought your folks would have had a ceremonial burning in the street after you left.  They really kept your room like this all this time?" 

Natalia looked around at the pastel pink walls and the decades out of date posters.  "Yeah," she said, and frowned.  Why had they done that?  She'd been meaning to ask her mother, but it never seemed to be the right time.  From the look her mother had just given her, she didn't think the right time would be coming anytime soon. 

"Weird," Maria said, breathing her nicotine fix deeply.  "Hey, I hope you don't mind me giving your ma your number.  I figured you deserved to know about your dad but it doesn't look like you and she are getting on that well." 

Natalia shrugged.  "We've never got on that well," she admitted.  "I was always a daddy's girl growing up, remember?" 

Maria nodded.  "Yeah, I remember."  She stubbed the cigarette out on the stone window ledge and leaned her head back into the room.  "So," she said, sitting down beside Natalia and laying a gentle hand on her arm.  "You want to tell me why you ran out of the church today?" 

Natalia turned to face her, intending to lie, intending to invent some emergency or crisis.  But when she caught her cousin's compassionate eyes the truth bubbled up inside her like an erupting volcano and suddenly, before she had time to think about it, the words "I think I might be a lesbian," tumbled from her mouth. 

Immediately her hands flew to her lips, the fingers curled as if she could claw the words back.  "Oh God," she muttered, her eyes wide.  Maria just shook her head. 

"Okay," she said blandly.  "And being gay made you run out of your dad's funeral because..." 

But Natalia couldn't answer.  All she could do was fall forward into her cousin's waiting arms, the tears already coming hard and fast as she grieved.  Not for her father or for the years of separation and estrangement - that would come later.  At that moment her tears were all for herself and for the woman she'd thought she was, the woman she'd tried so hard to be.  That woman had been dying moment by moment since the day she'd met Olivia Spencer, pushed out of the proverbial nest inch by inch by a new Natalia, like a baby bird being superseded by a cuckoo. 

Natalia clung tightly to Maria's arms as she cried, one thought running through her mind over and over on repeat.  _What if Selina was right?  What if I really am gay?_ And the thought made her cry all the harder because that suddenly seemed like the saddest and the loneliest thing on Earth. 

* * *

Natalia awoke the next morning to the sound of laughter and the smell of fresh coffee and pancakes.  She groaned softly.  Her head was throbbing in a most unpleasant manner, and she blearily recalled sitting in her bedroom with Maria for several hours the previous day and getting blind drunk.  After the confession and the sobbing and the gasping Maria had slipped out briefly and come back with a bottle of whisky and two glasses.  Natalia had surprised herself with her willingness to try to drink her problems away.  _It works for Olivia_ , she remembered thinking. 

Olivia.  The almost pleasant sensation of satisfied soreness between her legs reminded her of exactly what she'd been trying to block out, and why.  "Oh God," she muttered, rubbing her hands across her face.  She flushed as the events of the previous day sped through her mind like a runaway train, despite her best efforts to stop them.  A rush of heat flooded through her and her eyes flickered closed.  Her physical reaction to the thought of Olivia was just as visceral as ever.  But it was wrong. 

_What exactly is wrong with it?_

She shook her head, wincing against the pain, trying to silence the treacherous voice. 

_So you enjoyed sex for once.  It's about time._

"Shut up," she said to herself.  She couldn't decide if the niggling thoughts were speaking in Olivia's voice or Selina's, but either way she wanted them to stop. 

She squinted against the harsh light leaking in the window as she opened her eyes again.  Wearily she collected her robe and made her way through to the kitchen, following the sounds of muted voices and laughter.  "Good morning," she mumbled. 

Two sets of dark eyes turned to her, one set warm and loving, the other set cold and angry, and a little bit hurt too, behind everything.  "Morning Ma."  Rafe stood and wrapped his mother in a hug.  "You okay?" 

She managed a shaky smile.  "Could be worse," she said.  Josephine snorted. 

"Maria was in quite a state when she left last night," she said.  "You were no better, I expect.  Do you make a habit of getting drunk at funerals?" 

Natalia took a deep breath and actually bit down on the inside of her cheek to prevent the angry retort that had bubbled up in her throat.  She swallowed the default position of bitterness and resentment with a visible effort and forced a smile onto her face.  "Nope, that was my first time," she said.  "You could say it was a day of firsts all round." 

Josephine frowned, appeared to consider asking what she'd meant by that, and then apparently decided against it.  She turned to Rafe, symbolically putting Natalia in the corner.  "Would you like syrup on your pancakes?" she asked sweetly. 

"Rafe's diabetic," Natalia interrupted.  "No sugar."  She poured herself a cup of coffee and dragged the sugar bowl over.  Rafe couldn't have any, but she sure needed some.  More than some, in fact - lots. 

* * *

By the evening Natalia was sure she was going crazy.  Her mother was still giving her the cold shoulder.  Fair enough, that was only to be expected.  She had run out of her father's requiem mass after all, before coming back with no explanation and getting wildly drunk at the wake.  Grudgingly, Natalia could accept that she deserved her mother's scorn. 

What was confusing her was her mother's obvious delight with Rafe. 

"No more grandma, I'm stuffed!"  Rafe patted his stomach and grinned as Josephine tried to cram another couple of pasteles onto his plate.  She had been cooking all day, seemingly trying to make up for nearly nineteen years of missed spoiling in one afternoon. 

"A growing boy needs his food," Josephine fussed.  Natalia snorted with derision. 

"I'm pretty sure the growth spurts are over, mom," she said.  "You missed those." 

Josephine's jaw tightened.  "I missed a lot of things," she said, and flashed Natalia a look of pure fury.  Natalia blinked, nonplussed. 

"Well, whose fault is that?" she said. 

Rafe looked uneasily from one woman to the other.  "I...uh...you know, I think I need to go out for some fresh air." 

"Fine," Natalia said, her eyes locked with her mother's.  She waited until she heard the apartment door click shut before she opened her mouth and let her thoughts spill out unchecked.  "What are you up to?" she demanded. 

Josephine affected an expression of profoundest innocence.  "What are you talking about 'Talia?" she asked.  Natalia shook her head. 

"'Talia?" she sputtered.  "You haven't called me that since I was twelve." 

"Well, when you behave like a child..." 

A startled laugh forced its way up from deep in the pit of Natalia's stomach.  "My God," she said.  "You really are a piece of work, you know that?" 

Josephine's chin jutted forward.  "What in the world is your problem?" she snapped. 

"You!" Natalia shouted.  "You are my problem.  You call me back here after eighteen years of silence and you think you can behave like nothing's happened.  And now Rafe's here and suddenly he's the golden boy?  I don't get you." 

Josephine threw her arms up in the air.  "What are you talking about?  He's my grandson!" 

Natalia stared at her mother, mouth hanging open in pure astonishment.  "A grandson you've never even met," she reminded her. 

"And why is that?" Josephine countered. 

Natalia laughed briefly and humourlessly.  "Exactly!" she said.  "For God's sake!" 

Josephine shook her head.  "You really are the most selfish, idiotic child," she began, but Natalia cut her off. 

"I'm not a child, mom!  I'm thirty-four!  I've been looking after myself and my son for nearly nineteen years, most of it alone.  You don't get to talk to me like I'm a petulant teenager just because you were missing in action for more than half my life." 

"Missing!" Josephine exploded.  "How _dare_ you?" 

The air crackled between them as their gazes locked.  Natalia had the feeling she'd lost track of the argument somewhere, but she wasn't quite sure when it had happened.  Somehow her mother seemed to have got the upper hand. 

"I'm going to find Rafe," Natalia muttered at last. 

Josephine grunted.  "Fine, run away," she said bitterly.  "That's what you're best at." 

Natalia spun around in the doorway.  "What's that supposed to mean?" 

Josephine shot her a derisory glance.  "You broke your father's heart," she spat.  Natalia shook her head in confusion, her hand coming up automatically to her own chest. 

"He broke _mine_ ," she hissed. 

For an endless moment they stared at each other, breathing hard, decades of pain and betrayal, both genuine and merely perceived, simmering between them. 

"Ma!" 

Rafe's voice shattered the moment and Natalia looked away.  Josephine's eyes raked over her profile as she turned her head. 

"I thought you were going for a walk baby," Natalia said, impressed with herself for making her voice sound vaguely normal. 

"I was," said Rafe as he appeared in the doorway.  He seemed to be hiding something behind his back.  "But I found someone outside who wanted to see you." 

Natalia raised an eyebrow and then, with a giggle and a squeal, Emma rushed out from behind Rafe's legs and threw herself into Natalia's arms. 

"Jellybean!" 

Natalia wrapped her arms around the girl automatically but her eyes were angled up, looking past Rafe for a figure that part of her had been half expecting to see every moment since they'd parted, although she hadn't realised it till now, until her heart grew wings and took flight and her breath caught in anticipation. 

And there she was.  Olivia dressed in white, all smoky green eyes and deep red lips, standing in her mother's living room with her hands tucked into her pockets and a hesitant smile on her face. 

"Surprise," she said, her voice both hopeful and afraid, and something very important in Natalia's soul suddenly and simply clicked into place. 

"Hi," she breathed.  Emma squirmed in her arms and Natalia realised she was holding her just a little too tight.  She let her go with a quick, apologetic grin, breaking eye contact with Olivia.  Emma looked over Natalia's shoulder and flashed her most innocent and charming smile. 

"Hi," she said.  "You must be Natalia's mommy.  I'm Emma Spencer." 

Josephine glanced down at Emma, frowning.  "Okay," she said, then looked up at Olivia.  "And who exactly are you?" 

Natalia's eyes flicked from her mother to Olivia.  _Oh, this should be fun_. 

Well, at least that answered one question.  The sarcastic inner commentary definitely spoke to her in Olivia's voice. 

* * *

For a long moment Natalia wasn't quite sure what to say.  She stood, caught like a fly in a web between the two women who'd done the most to shape the person she was - her mother who had given her life, and Olivia who had given her everything else: love, respect, support, confidence, ambition...well, the list went on and on. 

"Uhm, mom this is Olivia Spencer," she said at last, swallowing hard.  "My boss," she added at her mother's raised eyebrow. 

Olivia raised an eyebrow of her own, but smiled and extended her hand.  "Pleased to meet you Mrs Rivera," she said.  "I'd like to say I'd heard all about you, but..."  She trailed off, still smiling, but a gleam that Natalia knew all too well had entered her eyes. 

"I could say the same to you Mrs..." Natalia's mother glanced pointedly at the naked ring finger on Olivia's left hand, "sorry, _Miss_ Spencer." 

Natalia coughed.  "Uhm...coffee, Olivia?" 

Olivia turned her most dazzling smile on her and Natalia was sure her heart had actually skipped a beat.  "That sounds absolutely heavenly," she said.  "I've just been out to O'Hare to pick up Emma.  I could really do with some caffeine." 

"I got to fly on a plane all by myself," Emma said excitedly, bouncing a little.  "Uncle Jeffrey took me to the airport and a nice lady looked after me and I got free crayons to colour with the whole way!" 

Natalia couldn't help but smile, and even Josephine's stony face lightened a little.  Emma's bubbling over excitement was reaching out, trying desperately to infect everyone in the room. 

"Rafe, could you go and put on a pot of coffee please?  And I think there are some popsicles in the freezer if Emma wants one..." 

Emma squealed in glee and followed Rafe from the room, almost making him trip over his own feet.  Natalia, Josephine and Olivia were left alone.  The three of them stood in the centre of the room, each experiencing various levels of discomfort ranging from very little (Josephine) to extreme (Natalia.) 

"Sit down," Natalia said at last.  Olivia smiled and obliged, sinking gracefully onto the sofa.  Josephine took the easy chair, leaving the seat beside Olivia on the couch the only one free.  Natalia hesitated, then finally perched on the arm of the sofa, crossing her arms across her chest defensively. 

"I'm sorry to burst in on you like this, Mrs Rivera," Olivia began politely.  "But when my daughter heard that Natalia was in town she insisted on seeing her."  She looked up at a flustered Natalia with a warm grin. 

Josephine leaned back in her seat, clasping her hands together.  "What brings you to Chicago Miss Spencer?" 

Natalia had the strangest sense that the two were circling each other like two competing predators, each looking for the best moment to strike.  For a moment she thought she almost saw the flash of the fangs.  "A little working holiday for me and my daughter," Olivia said.  "I own a hotel back in Springfield.  We're looking to expand.  Some of my partners suggested some properties for me to look at in Chicago and...well, here I am." 

"And what does my daughter do in your hotel?" Josephine asked.  Olivia began to answer, but Natalia got there first. 

"I'm Olivia's PA," she said, a note of pride in her voice.  She flushed a little when a brief expression of surprise flitted across her mother's face.  Olivia saw it too. 

"I don't know what I'd do without her," she said softly.  Natalia snapped her head round.  Olivia's face was open and sincere, and Natalia knew that she wasn't just talking about work.  She looked back to her mother and with a thrill of fear fuelled adrenaline understood that Josephine had seen it.  There was no mistaking the look of love on Olivia's face.  It shone out as clear as day in the brief few seconds it took to school her features back to the appropriate expression of polite indifference. 

Josephine's nostrils flared and her lips settled into a firm line.  "Que exquisito sentido del tiempo tiene tu ' _Jefa_ '," she muttered, her eyes sliding from Olivia's face and onto Natalia's. 

Natalia's eyes narrowed.  "Mom..." she began warningly.  Josephine carried on regardless. 

"Ella no sabe que tu padre se murió?" she said, raising an eyebrow.  Natalia opened her mouth to respond, but Olivia got there first. 

"Si, lo se. También sé que Natalia no ha oído de él, ni de usted, desde que ella tenia dieciséis anos." 

A stunned silence settled over Josephine and Natalia - indeed, it was hard to decide which of them was more surprised. 

"Tu...tu hablas Espanol?" Josephine said at last, her voice low and hesitant. 

Olivia smiled.  "Con fluidez," she said.  Her eyes glinted dangerously, and Natalia felt she might suddenly burst into hysterical laughter.  The gauntlet had been well and truly thrown down.  Olivia and her mother stared unblinkingly at each other for a long moment and - amazingly - Josephine was the first to look away. 

"What kind of properties are you looking at?" she asked. 

Natalia felt her jaw drop.  _Spencer one, Rivera nil_ , her mind remarked, and she grinned, a silly feeling of pride washing through her.  Almost without realising what she was doing she slid from the arm of the sofa to the seat, her leg resting against Olivia's as she settled herself. 

"Olivia, do you take sugar?" Rafe called from the kitchen.  Olivia pressed her leg a little more firmly against Natalia's.  A deep flush rolled up from Natalia's chest and settled in on her cheeks. 

"No, I don't," she called back.  "Just plain black, Rafe, as strong as you can make it." 

Rafe brought the coffee in, followed by Emma who sat cross-legged on the floor at her mom's feet, nibbling happily on an orange popsicle.  Olivia sipped delicately at her coffee, and managed to take ten whole minutes to explain the ethos of The Beacon's expansion plans and describe the properties she'd come to look at.  "Basically we're going for personal, small town service in the heart of the big city," she said, sounding like she was wrapping up an investment pitch.  "We have a location opening very soon in Indianapolis and my partners and I are very excited about our expansion into Chicago.  In fact, I was hoping Natalia would be able to find an hour or two this week to help me with a few things."  She looked across at Natalia expectantly. 

"Uh...yeah, sure," she said slowly, blinking once. 

Olivia smiled and drained the last of her coffee.  "That's great," she said.  She nudged Emma with her foot.  "All right Jellybean, time to go." 

Emma pouted.  "Aw, mom, do we have to?" 

Olivia ruffled her hair.  "Oh come on, we're going to the park.  There'll be swings and slides and a teeter-totter." 

Emma brightened immediately, then looked imploringly up at Natalia.  "Are you coming too?" she asked. 

Natalia's eyes flicked up to meet her mother's.  Olivia shook her head.  "I don't think so baby-" she began. 

"I'd love to," Natalia said, overlapping with Olivia.  Emma squealed and wrapped her arms round Natalia's legs. 

Olivia watched Natalia from beneath her eyelashes as she leaned down and hugged Emma.  She glanced over at Josephine and met her eyes.  There was a challenge there, along with a question and a note of disapproval.  Olivia's jaw hardened and she held her head just a little higher. 

"Come on then," she said.  "Let's go." 

* * *

Emma ran ahead the moment they got to the gates of the park, with a nine year-old's unerring instinct for playgrounds.  "Slow down Jellybean, stay where I can see you!" Olivia called, but didn't seem too concerned.  Natalia smiled at the little girl's fast disappearing back, then looked over at Olivia shyly. 

"I'm glad you didn't go back to Springfield just yet," she said softly.  "It's...it's good to see you." 

Olivia smiled.  "Well, I have business here, like I said," she replied. 

Natalia considered pointing out that she was her assistant and that she knew her schedule better than anyone.  The excuse about The Beacon's expansion into Chicago was as transparent as it was flimsy.  But then...if it suited Olivia to have a veneer of professionalism between them...well, that was fine.  She couldn't really blame her for wanting that little bit of distance.  It was probably for the best anyway, after how disastrous getting close had ended up being.  She smiled sadly. 

"Yeah, well, that didn't mean you had to see me.  I...I wouldn't have blamed you if you hadn't wanted to..."  She trailed off, struck with the sudden appalling realisation that if she kept talking she was going to start crying.  Olivia glanced over at her then slowed her pace, reaching out and linking her arm with Natalia's. 

"What did I promise you when we were at the spa?" she asked gently. 

Natalia shrugged.  "We promised a lot of things," she said, her cheeks flushing hotly as she thought of all the assurances that had been so easy to make and so hard to keep. 

Olivia nodded.  "Yes, yes we did," she agreed.  "Specifically, I promised you that whatever happened you wouldn't lose your best friend.  Remember?" 

Natalia swallowed hard against a sudden lump in her throat.  "I remember," she said hoarsely. 

Olivia nodded firmly.  "So, here I am.  Your best friend come to save you from the dragon's den." 

Natalia barked with laughter and brightened, decidedly less than mature delight rushing through her as she remembered the look on her mother's face when Olivia started speaking her language.  "You were amazing," Natalia enthused, squeezing Olivia's arm a little tighter, and not letting go like Olivia had thought she might.  "I had no idea you could speak Spanish!" 

Olivia peered into the distance, scanning the park for her daughter.  She nodded briefly when she spotted her, then turned her attention back to Natalia.  "I was nearly the princess of a whole country you know," Olivia said, with a small self deprecating smirk.  "A tiny, insignificant little country, but a country nonetheless.  That would have involved a lot of state visits and a lot of foreign languages.  And it doesn't hurt to know a few phrases when you're in the hotel business either." 

Natalia smiled and raised an eyebrow.  "So what other languages do you speak?" 

Olivia shrugged.  "Um...French, German, Portuguese, a little Mandarin...not that I'm particularly fluent in them anymore.  For some reason Spanish always stuck with me."  She smiled a small, shy smile, and Natalia realised that she was actually embarrassed.  Not for the first time, Natalia wondered why Olivia so hated to let people see her good points.  How typical of Olivia to hide all the best parts of herself.  But Natalia had seen them all - her intelligence, her kindness, her fierceness, her devotion, her heart-breaking vulnerability.  She had peeled away layer after layer of Olivia Spencer and each layer was greater than the one before, so that instead of diminishing in her eyes Olivia had simply got bigger, more vital, more essential, until Natalia was no longer sure how she would survive without her. 

"Six languages," Natalia murmured, her eyes roaming possessively over the planes of Olivia's face.  "Wow." 

Olivia blushed.  "It's not that big a deal," she insisted. 

"Say something in Mandarin," Natalia interrupted, grinning with child-like glee. 

Olivia shook her head.  "Oh, I'm not very good..." 

"Please?"  Natalia leaned into Olivia's side, flashing her dimples as she smiled.  Olivia caught her eyes and felt every phrase of Mandarin she'd ever known escape her, except one. 

"Wo ai ni," she murmured, a hint of a blush painting her cheeks. 

Natalia didn't need to know the language to understand her meaning.  It was written all over Olivia's face. 

With a slightly trembling hand Natalia reached up and trailed her fingers along the line of Olivia's jaw.  "Olivia..." 

"You don't have to say anything," Olivia swiftly interrupted. 

Natalia considered taking the out she'd been offered, considered smiling and closing her mouth and saying nothing.  But then a string of moments passed through her mind like links in a chain:  sitting on a table on a sunny August day, holding Olivia with affection for the first time; watching Olivia lock horns with the warden of the prison, then the governor of the state, just so Rafe could have an easier time; Olivia giving up her job with Decker for the sake of her $80,000; and finally Olivia holding court in her mother's living room, standing up for her in a way that no-one ever had before.  She couldn't stay silent.  If there was one thing she owed Olivia it was honesty. 

"I love you too," she said, then bit her lip.  "I just-" 

"I know," Olivia whispered, eyes shining.  "Please, don't...don't say anything else."  She leaned forward impulsively and pressed a quick kiss to Natalia's forehead.  "I don't expect anything, really.  You know how I feel and you know what I want.  But...if that never happens I won't love you any less.  If all we can ever have is to be two friends who love each other more than anything, I'll still want it."  She smiled, although her lower lip was trembling in a tell-tale way that Natalia knew meant she was only one word or one touch away from crying. 

For a long moment Natalia didn't know what to say.  How could she respond to a declaration like that in a way that wouldn't sound trite or, worse, dishonest?  She still wasn't sure how much she could offer Olivia, how much of the happy ending she'd ever be able to give her.  Only one thing was clear. 

Never in her life had she felt more loved and cherished.  To know that Olivia would be willing to put so much aside just to have Natalia in her life, in whatever capacity, was overwhelming. 

Natalia decided in that instant to forget about the doubts, the uncertainty, and the tension that stretched between them like a taut rubber band, if only for a moment.  She even forgot that they were in public and vulnerable to stares and whispers.  All that mattered was that Olivia loved her, and she loved Olivia back, and she needed to have her in her arms. 

"I'll want it too," she whispered into Olivia's ear as she pulled her close. 

Olivia seemed to relax against her.  Natalia closed her eyes, feeling another piece of herself slot into place.  This was right, she realised, this was good, this was worth holding on to. 

_And I don't just want to be your friend_ , her mind whispered. 

"Mom!  Natalia!" 

They sprang apart almost guiltily, Olivia swiping at her treacherous eyes with the back of her hand.  "Yeah, what is it Em?" she called, her voice a little hoarse. 

"Can I play with Matthew?"  Emma pointed at a boy standing beside her with a soccer ball under his arm.  "His aunties said I had to check with you." 

Natalia glanced past Emma and the boy to look for the adults who were with him.  "Oh," she exclaimed, then smiled.  "Selina!" 

Natalia reached down and grabbed Olivia's hand, dragging her along as she set off.  Within a few seconds the two of them had reached the others. 

"What a coincidence!" Natalia said, pulling Selina into a brief hug. 

"Amazing," Selina agreed, but she caught Olivia's eye before she pulled back and gave her a surreptitious wink.  Olivia flushed and a smirk toyed with the idea of playing over Selina's lips.  "This is my girlfriend, Rosie," Selina said, gesturing towards the woman beside her.  "Rosie, this is Natalia Rivera, one of my oldest friends." 

Natalia leaned forward to shake her hand.  "Pleased to meet you," she said, then turned slightly towards Olivia.  "This is Olivia Spencer, my..." she trailed off, momentarily lost for words.  _My boss_ she'd said to her mother, but what a slap in the face that would be to Olivia now.  Hell, what a slap in the face it had been to her _then_.  Natalia coughed to cover her hesitation.  "My friend," she said.  "My dearest friend."  She blushed a little at Selina's raised eyebrow, then held out her hand towards her.  "Olivia, this is Selina Steiner.  We grew up together." 

Olivia and Selina shook hands.  "Pleased to meet you," they said simultaneously. 

For a moment it was slightly awkward, and none of them really knew what to say to one another.  Then Emma tugged on her mother's sleeve and begged again to be allowed to play. 

As soon as Emma and Matthew were kicking the ball around happily Rosie smiled and extended her hands.  "Well, would you care to join us?" she asked.  "We're having a little barbecue and we've brought way too much stuff..." 

"As always," Selina said, sliding her arm around Rosie's shoulder and smiling at her indulgently.  "Rosie doesn't consider any day a true success unless someone's been overfed." 

Olivia laughed, and raised her eyebrows at Natalia.  "Now who does that remind me of?" she teased.  Natalia swatted her arm. 

"I thought you loved my nurturing side," she said.  The lines around Olivia's eyes softened. 

"Good point," she said softly. 

Rosie and Selina glanced at each other, and Selina's eyes said _I told you so_ while Rosie's said _I see what you mean_. 

"We'd love to join you," Natalia said with a smile. 

Selina held out her arm towards a picnic table and portable barbecue sitting under the canopy of a leafy tree.  The late evening sun was still shining brightly and it was warm enough to be in short sleeves.  A light breeze carried the sounds of happily conversing adults and laughing children.  Natalia let it wash over her, feeling at peace for the first time since she and Olivia had left the spa.  Without thinking about what she was doing she ran her fingers down Olivia's arm and tangled their fingers together. 

"Lead on," she said to Selina. 

* * *

Emma watched Matthew juggling with the soccer ball for five whole minutes before getting bored.  It had been vaguely entertaining at first, watching him stop the ball from touching the ground, but it was getting old.  "I thought you wanted to play," she said at last. 

"Just watch, I'm really good at this," he replied, concentrating hard on the ball. 

Emma sighed.  _Boys_ , she thought to herself.  "I know, but you could do that by yourself.  I might have to go home soon." 

Eventually Matthew decided that the prospect of a playmate was more enticing than performing for an audience.  "Okay, you be keeper," he said.  He pulled off his jacket and his sweater and bundled them on the ground as makeshift goal posts.  The two children spent a contented half hour or so practicing penalty kicks, most of which Emma managed to save. 

"You should join a team," Matthew said in awe.  "You're _really_ good." 

Emma blushed and grinned bashfully.  "I think I was just lucky," she said. 

Matthew shook his head.  "Nuh uh.  My aunt Selina says there's no such thing as luck.  Hey, you want to rest for minute?" 

Emma nodded and laid down in the grass with her chin resting on her hands, watching the four adults talking.  Matthew collected the ball and threw himself down beside her, breathing hard and sweating a little. 

"How come your aunts don't look alike?" Emma asked after a few minutes.  "Aren't they sisters?" 

Matthew laughed.  "No," he said, shaking his head.  "They're girlfriends." 

Emma turned to face him, eyes wide with curiosity.  "Girlfriends?" 

Matthew nodded.  "Yeah...you know, two girls who're like BFFs." 

"Oh," Emma replied, her face clearing.  "Like mommy and Natalia!" 

Matthew shrugged.  "I guess.  It's different though.  Aunt Selina and aunt Rosie live together, and they don't have boyfriends like my mom does." 

Emma frowned.  "Well...we _used_ to live together," she said doubtfully.  "And mommy hasn't had a boyfriend in a while.  Natalia was supposed to marry uncle Frank, but she decided she didn't want to." 

Matthew stretched out on his side, resting his head on his hand.  "Do your mom and Natalia hold hands and hug and junk?" 

Emma glanced over at her mom who, at that very moment, had her arm round Natalia's shoulders.  "Yeah, they do," she said.  Matthew nodded. 

"Yeah, they're probably girlfriends then," he said matter-of-factly.  Emma's face lit up. 

"That means we can all live together again, and it'll be like before!" she said excitedly. 

Matthew shrugged again.  "I guess so," he said.  "You want me to be the keeper this time?" 

Emma nodded.  "Yeah, okay." 

* * *

Natalia glanced over at Emma and Matthew for the fifth time in as many minutes, frowning slightly. 

"Would you relax?" Olivia said, tugging on their still joined hands.  "She's just playing." 

Natalia's cheek's coloured a little and she ducked her head.  "I know," she said.  "But you know what she's like.  She just wanders off sometimes.  And there's poison ivy, and mosquitos, and bats, and-" 

Olivia hushed her with a gentle finger pressed against her lips.  "Are you done?"  There was a thread of laughter running through her voice, her eyes were bright, the evening sun was making her hair shine in a quite enchanting way, and Natalia was sure she'd never been more beautiful.  She swallowed, resisting the urge to press a kiss against Olivia's finger.  That would be a very bad idea.  Like she wasn't already sending the mother of all mixed signals. 

"Yeah," she managed to croak, then coughed.  "I'm done." 

Olivia smiled, and let her finger trail slowly from Natalia's lips to her jaw.  "Good," she said softly, then turned to Selina who was watching them with a grin on her face.  "So...you said you and Natalia went to school together, right?" 

Selina glanced at Natalia whose eyes had widened.  Honestly, what did she think she was going to say?  _Yes, Natalia and I were best friends, who slept in the same bed at sleepovers and hugged at every opportunity and once kissed at a party, but we don't talk about that_.  Yeah, that would go down well. 

"We sure did," she said.  "We were always in competition to see who'd be top of Mrs Pullman's math class." 

Natalia seemed to breathe a sigh of relief, and Selina smirked.  Olivia turned to Natalia with a smile.  "You never told me you were good at math," she said. 

"Probably because the ability to do calculus and algebra hasn't really been relevant in my life so far," she said, laughing.  "Although being able to quickly work out whether it's cheaper to use cloth diapers or disposables, or which brand of peanut butter gives you the most calories per cent - that _did_ come in handy."  She smiled a small, self deprecating smile. 

"I'll have to use that when my students ask me what the point of studying arithmetic is," Rosie said.  She pulled open a cooler that was sitting at her feet and offered Natalia a bottle.  "Do you like beer?" she asked.  "I've got water or soda as well." 

"Beer's fine."  She took the proffered bottle and snapped the cap open.  "You're a teacher?" 

"Fifth grade," Rosie replied.  "Matthew's in my class."  She nodded over at her nephew.  "Which he doesn't much like, as you can imagine." 

"He about died of embarrassment one time when he accidentally called her Aunt Rosie instead of Ms Stone," Selina said, taking a sip of her own beer before opening another bottle for Olivia. 

"Is he Caroline's son?" Natalia asked, glancing over at the boy who seemed to be losing whatever game they were playing. 

"Mmm hmm."  Selina nodded.  "He spends quite a bit of time with us though," she added.  "Caroline is just as flaky as ever.  Matthew's got a new daddy every other month." 

Olivia flinched a little.  Although, to be fair, she'd never quite been _that_ bad.  "Well, it's good he has some stability with you guys then," she said. 

"That's the idea."  Selina stood and clapped her hands together.  "Right, who wants to help me with the dead cow?  Natalia?" 

"Do you have to call it dead cow?"  Natalia looked a little queasy at the thought. 

"You know me, 'Talia, I calls it like I sees it," she replied, dragging Natalia from her seat.  "Now come on." 

* * *

Once the dead cow - or burgers, as Natalia insisted Selina call them in her presence - were sizzling away over the charcoal, Selina glanced at her friend with a slightly hesitant smile.  "So, about yesterday," she began, but Natalia waved her off. 

"It's okay," she said.  "You...you were probably right." 

Selina flipped one of the burgers.  "Probably right as in...what, exactly?" she asked, one eyebrow arching into her hairline. 

Natalia suddenly seemed to find the ground very interesting.  She ground down into the dust with her heel and shrugged.  "You know," she said. 

Selina shook her head.  "Nuh uh," she said.  "I'm not falling for that one.  You have to say it - I'm not saying it for you." 

Natalia pursed her lips.  "God, you're annoying." 

"I pride myself on it." 

A pair of frustrated brown eyes rolling exaggeratedly was her response, but she kept her mouth firmly shut.  "Fine," Natalia said at last.  "You were right.  I think I might be...I mean, I'm probably..." 

"Yeeeeees?" 

"Gay, okay?  I'm probably gay.  Happy?" 

Selina scoffed.  "Well, that _is_ what gay means," she said. 

"Oh, shut up," Natalia muttered, covering her face with her hands. 

Selina relented.  "Natalia...it really doesn't matter whether _I'm_ happy about it," she said.  "What matters is how _you_ feel about it." 

Natalia spread her fingers a little so she could peek out at her friend from behind her hands.  "I have no idea how I feel about it," she admitted.  "Being in love is one thing.  I could rationalise that, I could say to myself that it was pure and holy and that it didn't matter that the person I loved was in a woman's body because it was all about the _soul_."  She dropped her hands, grimacing and laughing at herself at the same time.  "But apparently I'm more interested in the body than I thought I was." 

Selina glanced over her shoulder to where Olivia and Rosie were chatting over beer and chips.  "Yeah, I can see why," she said. 

"God, you're impossible," Natalia muttered. 

"Oh come on, Natalia, what do you want me to say?  I'm a cynical bitch, remember?" 

Natalia shook her head.  "No, actually, I don't remember that." 

"Yeah, well, I was trying to impress you back then," was the reply.  Selina looked up from the burgers and sighed.  "All right, all right...I'm sorry, okay?  I just don't see why realising that you really enjoy having sex with someone you're in love with is such a big crisis for you." 

Natalia closed her eyes and shook her head.  "It just felt...I don't know.  I thought it would be different.  I thought I wouldn't feel so...oh, forget it.  You wouldn't understand."  She turned as if to walk away, but Selina's hand on her shoulder stopped her. 

"Hey," she said seriously.  "Come on, don't go.  You can talk to me.  I promise I'll keep the sarcastic commentary to a minimum." 

Natalia hesitated, then turned back to her friend, biting her lip.  "Okay," she breathed.  "Fine.  But please don't make fun of me." 

Selina held up her hand. "Pinky promise," she said.  Natalia blushed, but offered her own pinky to shake, just like they'd done when they were kids. 

"You know I've been with men before," she began slowly.  Selina nodded.  "First Nicky, when we were young.  And then I met him again a few years ago, and we got married.  And that should have been perfect, right?  It should have been everything I ever wanted.  I thought it _was_.  But every time we made love I just felt...I don't know.  Wrong.  Like I was doing something wrong."  She paused, wiping away a few stray tears.  "He didn't really love me," she whispered.  "Not the way he loved his first wife, anyway.  And I suppose I thought that's why it never felt quite right.  Why it never felt beautiful, like it's supposed to." 

"Natalia..."  Selina moved forward, grasping Natalia's hand and squeezing gently.  There was a pained expression on her face. 

"I'm okay," Natalia said, shaking her head.  "I think...I think I need to get this out, okay?  I've never said this to anyone before." 

Selina nodded.  "All right..." 

"And then," Natalia went on.  "And then there was Frank.  And what a monumental mistake that was.  I mean, we're talking epic here.  I was just...using him to run away from feelings I didn't understand.  And it was awful.  Worse than with Nicky.  I mean, I didn't just feel empty I felt _dirty_." 

Selina bit her lip, a caustic comment about Catholic guilt straining to be allowed out of her mouth.  "I'm sorry," was all she said, with an effort.  Natalia smiled, sadly. 

"I thought it would be different with her," she explained.  "Because I love her so much, and she loves me and we _work_.  We just fit together so well, and we complement each other, and she...don't laugh." 

"I won't."  Selina held up her pinky to remind her of the promise.  Natalia closed her eyes, and took a deep breath. 

"She completes me," she said at last, with a sigh.  "And I thought...I _thought_ that would make it okay.  That it would be beautiful, for the first time, because it was with _her_." 

Selina squeezed Natalia's hand, her brow knitting together in a frown.  "And it wasn't," she said.  Natalia shook her head. 

"It wasn't," she agreed.  "And I don't know why..." 

Silence stretched between them, with the sizzling of the burgers in the background, mingling with the hum of Rosie and Olivia's conversation and the boisterous laughter of the children's play.  "Natalia," Selina began, but Natalia shook her off, a sad smile on her face. 

"It's okay," she said.  "This is something I have to figure out for myself, I think."  With that she backed away and returned to Olivia's side. 

"Hey," Olivia greeted her with a warm, beautiful smile.  "You're done with the dead cow?" 

Natalia nodded and sat down next to her, moulding herself to her side as Olivia's arm slipped round her shoulders.  "Yup," she said shortly.  Olivia squeezed her a little closer. 

"Hey, are you all right?" she said.  Natalia turned to her with a small smile on her face. 

"How is it you always know exactly what I'm feeling?" she asked.  Olivia smiled hesitantly. 

"Do you really need to ask me that?" she said.  Natalia shook her head, and impulsively leaned closer to place a soft kiss on her cheek. 

"No," she admitted.  "Not really."  Selina appeared back at the table with a large plate of slightly burnt burgers.  "Hey," Natalia said, as Selina called the kids over. 

"Yeah?"  Olivia's eyes were shining a little. 

"When we're done here," Natalia said.  "Can you take me to church?  I think I'd like to go to evening mass." 

* * *

"Do you...do you want to come in with me?" 

Olivia glanced up at the church, watching the last few worshippers straggling inside.  "I haven't been to mass in twenty five years," she said softly. 

Natalia shrugged with one shoulder.  "That doesn't mean you can't.  If you want to." 

A deep sigh slipped from between Olivia's parted lips.  "Yeah...that's the thing.  I don't think I do."  She grimaced.  "I mean, I respect your beliefs Natalia, I really do, but I-" 

"Sssh."  Natalia placed a finger over Olivia's lips to hush her, just as Olivia had done to her earlier when she was fretting about Emma.  "Will I see you tomorrow?" 

Olivia nodded.  "I'm going to look at a building I might like to buy tomorrow," she said.  "I'll need my assistant, if she's free." 

Natalia sat back in her seat and smiled.  "You're actually going to look at property?" she asked.  "I thought that was just a story for my mom." 

"Oh," Olivia said with an answering grin.  "Come on.  I'm not that clever." 

Natalia shook her head.  "You are _brilliant,_ " she said, patting Olivia's thigh as she unclipped her seatbelt.  "I'll see you tomorrow?"  Olivia nodded. 

"Yup." 

"Okay...bye bye, Jellybean."  Emma leaned forward in her seat so she could kiss Natalia goodbye. 

The first hymn had started when Natalia finally dragged herself away from Olivia and Emma.  She had waited until Olivia's hired car disappeared round the corner before hurrying up the steps to the church.  The same church she'd run out of the day before, in fact. 

Had it really only been a day?  She shook her head as she genuflected and shuffled into the back row.  It seemed like a lifetime ago. 

It was a different priest saying mass today, and for that Natalia was grateful.  The last thing she needed was to be recognised and questioned.  This was her mother's parish of course; no doubt she was well known by now as the prodigal daughter.  She allowed her thoughts to drift as the priest welcomed them to the service and said the opening prayer.  It was a vigil mass, so the prayers and readings were really for the following day, Sunday. 

And that was just what she needed.  The routine and the tradition and the familiarity of worship that had been with her every Sunday for as long as she could remember, with one little gap around the time Rafe was born and she had briefly felt like she wasn't welcome in God's house. 

She still remembered the first Sunday she'd gone to mass with Rafe in her arms.  She'd expected looks and whispers and judgement - had braced herself for them and practised holding her head high in the mirror for three weeks before making the attempt.  And none of that had happened.  She'd been completely ignored, as if she were nothing out of the ordinary.  And so she'd gone back, week after week, and  had gradually become part of the fabric of parish life.  She'd made friends and volunteered to read on Sundays and had been one of the first to sign up when some recently retired women had set up a childminding service.  Not once had anyone asked where Rafe's father was.  Not once had they ever made her feel ashamed or sinful or inferior. 

Not that Natalia was naive.  She knew that wasn't the reception she'd have got in every church.  She'd just been lucky enough to randomly pick a church with a young, progressive priest and a generally young population.  Or maybe it wasn't luck.  Maybe she'd been led there.  Just like she'd been led to Springfield...to Olivia. 

She'd fought against it, of course.  She'd tried to deny it and to force it down inside herself, and she'd tried to make it not exist.  But she couldn't help it.  When she looked at Olivia in unguarded moments she knew the truth.  She could look behind her and see every moment she'd ever lived, every step she'd ever taken along every narrow path lit up and leading inevitably, inexorably to this time, this place and this...person. 

This _woman_. 

Which was the crux of the issue, of course.  This _woman_. 

She was still somewhat lost in her thoughts when the reader stepped up to the lectern and began to recite the first reading.  It was still the Easter season, so it was a new testament reading from the Acts of the Apostles.  She listened absently, but it wasn't until the second reading - from the first letter of St John - that the words really penetrated her foggy consciousness.  "Beloved, if God so loved us, we also must love one another.  No one has ever seen God.  Yet, if we love one another, God remains in us, and his love is brought to perfection in us." 

She closed her eyes.  She knew the rest of this reading.  She'd turned to this part of the Bible again and again over the last few months as she searched desperately for some way to justify her feelings, some way to make loving Olivia okay.  She knew what was coming next. _God is love, and whoever remains in love remains in God and God in him._

That was one of the verses written on her heart.  It sat there, beating its message into every rush of blood through her veins, along with the first chapter of the book of Ruth and 1 Thessalonians 5:21, and all the other snippets she'd sifted through and clung to as... _justification_...for being in love with someone she'd always been taught it was wrong to love. 

Natalia had always trusted in the teachings of the Church to guide her to what was right.  And it hadn't really ever steered her wrong.  It had taught her the value of charity and selflessness and of giving of herself.  That was what she'd spent her life doing, in fact - giving of herself.  And while she had a hard time believing that God could create a sinful form of love, she could quite easily accept that selfishness was the ultimate wrong. 

Was loving Olivia selfish?  Was _wanting_ her selfish? 

She was still pondering that particular question as she listened to the Gospel and the homily, as she processed to the altar for communion, as she recited _Amen_ to the priest's dismissal.  But she didn't leave.  Instead she joined a short queue of people waiting outside a confessional. 

"Bless me Father, for I have sinned," she said as she knelt in the unfamiliar booth.  "It's been three weeks since my last confession." 

There was a rustle of cloth on the other side of the barrier.  "Go on." 

He sounded a little bored, Natalia thought.  He'd probably listened to a dozen near identical confessions already today.  She'd never thought about it from the priest's point of view before.  He had to sit and listen to every misdeed, every crisis, every doubt that ran through the mind of his parishioners.  And he wasn't allowed to talk to anyone about it.  It must be pretty lonely. 

"I-" she began, then coughed to clear her throat.  "I...did something yesterday that I'm not exactly proud of.  Uhm...several things, in fact." 

"All right."  He didn't sound any less bored. 

"Okay...well, first I abandoned my mother at my father's funeral," she said.  She could almost see the priest's eyebrows raise and ears perk up.  _That got his attention_ , she thought with a smirk. 

"Why?" 

"There was someone I needed to see," she replied.  "Which leads me to the second thing I'm not proud of."  She closed her eyes.  "I left my mother at her husband's funeral, alone...to go and meet someone in h-... _their_ hotel room.  And I...slept with them." 

There was an exhalation of breath, but the priest didn't sound shocked.  He must have heard worse in his time, Natalia reasoned.  "I assume you're not married?" he said. 

Natalia shook her head, then remembered that he couldn't see her.  "Uh...no," she said.  "We...uhm, we can't get married."  _Not in this state, anyway_.  Selina's words floated through her mind, making her smile just a little. 

"I see," said the priest.  "What's her name?" 

"Olivia," Natalia replied without thinking.  "Wait, what?" 

The priest chuckled softly.  "Just a guess," he said.  "I've heard people playing the pronoun game before." 

Natalia breathed out through clenched teeth and waited.  When the priest said nothing more she frowned.  "Aren't you going to say anything?" she asked.  "Aren't you going to talk to me about _shameful lusts_ and _abominations_?" 

To her surprise, the priest actually laughed.  "I assume if you wanted to make a confession about engaging in homosexual behaviour you'd have mentioned you slept with a woman in the beginning," he said.  "As you didn't, I surmised you actually wanted to talk about something else." 

But Natalia wasn't ready to let it go.  "The teaching of the church is pretty clear on this though, isn't it?" she said. 

"The teaching of the church," the priest replied, "is changeable.  In fact, it's changed quite a lot even in my lifetime.  I assume you've read all the church documents promulgated since the second Vatican Council, yes?" 

"Uh...no, actually." 

The priest sighed.  "You know, I think this is shaping up to be a long conversation.  How would you like to have coffee with me in the parish house?  After I hear the rest of these confessions." 

Natalia considered the offer for a moment.  "Okay," she said at last, hesitantly.  "I...uhm...I'll just wait outside then." 

"Wait!" 

Natalia stopped mid movement.  "Yes Father?" 

"Through the ministry of the Church may God give you pardon and peace.  I absolve you from your sins in the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit. Amen." 

Tears nipped at her eyes and she brushed them away with a slightly trembling hand.  "Thank you, Father," she said, and with that slipped from the confessional to wait in the church. 

* * *

By the time Olivia got Emma settled into bed the girl was drooping and could barely keep her eyes open, but she still demanded her usual story before she'd consent to go to sleep. 

"Okay honey, why don't you pick a book?" Olivia said with a small smile painting her lips.  It had been a good day, and she felt like indulging the little girl. 

Emma shook her head.  "I want you to tell me a story about you," she said.  Olivia blinked. 

"Me, honey?  Oh...I don't know.  I'm not very interesting." 

" _I_ think you're interesting," Emma said, the beginnings of a pout forming at the corners of her mouth. 

Olivia's smile turned into a full fledged grin.  "Oh really," she said, digging her fingers into her daughter's sides and causing her to shriek with laughter.  "Well, I am _very_ flattered."  She allowed her hands to still and pulled the still squirming girl close for a hug.  "So who else should be in this story?" she asked.  "Me and you and who else?" 

Emma settled back against the pillows.  "Ava," she said.  "And Natalia and Rafe." 

One perfectly sculpted eyebrow raised almost of its own accord as Olivia stroked Emma's hair back from her face.  "Them too, huh?" she said softly.  "Why's that?" 

Emma looked up at her mother like she was one of the slow kids at school that the nasty kids made fun of.  "Because they're our family," she said.  "Duh." 

_I'm not going to cry, I'm not going to cry, I **refuse** to cry, _ Olivia thought, brushing at her eyes anyway just in case any treacherous tears had escaped.  "Okay baby," she said, smiling radiantly.  "I'll tell you a story about...uhm...Olivia Spencer, the most notorious highwayman the kingdom ever saw, and Natalia Rivera her trusty sidekick who convinced her to give up her criminal ways and open a hotel instead.  Sound good?" 

Emma giggled.  "Okay," she said.  "But Ava and Rafe and I have to be in it too." 

"You will be," Olivia assured her, pulling her blankets up a little higher and tucking them under her chin.  "If you have a little patience, you'll see - everything will work out exactly as it should." 

"Promise?" Emma mumbled, a little sleepily. 

"Cross my heart," Olivia replied.  She paused for a moment, marvelling at just how much she loved this sweet, wonderful girl who for years she'd believed was the only thing she'd ever done right in her life.  Maybe that wasn't true anymore though.  Maybe being there for Natalia, in whatever guise Natalia needed her to be, was something else she could add to her very short list of successes. 

"Okay," she said, with a final kiss to her daughter's forehead.  "So, once upon a time in a faraway land there lived a notorious highwayman named Olivia Spencer.  Not that many people knew her name, of course.  To most she was known only as The Purple Shadow..." 

* * *

Natalia alternated between sitting and pacing until the disapproving looks shot her way from the few people still waiting beside the confessional became too much.  Instead she dug around in her pockets for some loose change and dropped it into the donation box beside the candles at the Our Lady altar.  She lit a candle with a practised motion and then dropped to her knees on the soft leather before the statue. 

"I would talk to my own mother," she began quietly.  "But I think we both know how that would turn out."  She smiled up at the statue, as if expecting it to acknowledge her joke with a wink and a wry chuckle.  "Still, you're supposed to be everyone's mother, aren't you?  So you ought to help me." 

Bowing her head, Natalia racked her brains for all the Marian devotions she knew.  The _Hail Mary_ was the most obvious, and she said ten of them, counting them off on her fingers in the absence of rosary beads.  She followed that up with the _Memorare_ , voice cracking a little as she recited the words "sinful and sorrowful."  _Hail Holy Queen_ was the next prayer that dropped from her mind to her lips, and by the time she reached the line: "Oh clement, oh loving, oh sweet Virgin Mary, amen," the priest had arrived and knelt down beside her. 

"Good evening," he said softly.  Natalia turned her head slightly to face him.  He was older than she'd thought he'd be - probably pushing seventy, with a mess of fluffy white hair on his head and a set of very impressive eyebrows.  It wasn't the same priest who'd said mass; in fact, Natalia had never seen him before. 

"Hello Father," she replied. 

He nodded up at the statue.  "It's lovely, isn't it?" he asked, then went on without waiting for an answer.  "I often come in just to look at it, and say a prayer or two.  Would you like me to teach you one?" 

Natalia blinked, then nodded.  "Okay," she said. 

The priest nodded, then began to recite.  "I trust your might, your kindness, mother dear.  I do believe that you are always near.  Whatever happens, mother mild, I blindly trust in you and in your child.  You know the way for me, you know the time.  Into your hands I trustingly place mine.  Your plan is perfect, born of perfect love.  You know the way for me: that is enough."  He turned to her and extended his hand.  "My name's Joe Dunham.  And you are?" 

"Uhm...Natalia Rivera," she said, shaking his outstretched hand.  "That's...that's a really nice prayer." 

"Isn't it?" he said, turning his attention back to the statue.  "I find it helpful when I'm having the occasional crisis of confidence.  Sometimes you just have to stop worrying and trust, you know what I mean?" 

Natalia's lips twitched.  "Is that supposed to be some kind of subtle hint?" she asked.  The priest shook his head. 

"No," he said.  "Just an observation."  He smiled, and rubbed his hands together.  "Now," he continued, beginning to sound businesslike.  "I'd better start this conversation by reminding you that the official teaching of the Catholic church is that homosexual relationships are intrinsically disordered and run contrary to the natural law." 

Natalia flushed, feeling his words like a punch to the solar plexus.  "I-I _know_ that," she said. 

The priest nodded.  "Good," he said.  "Good, good.  Well, now that's out of the way why don't you come with me and we can talk about what's _really_ bothering you." 

He stood, a little creakily, and began to walk slowly to the church door.  After a moment of stunned silence, Natalia followed him. 

* * *

Emma had dropped off to sleep sometime after hearing about The Purple Shadow's most amazing robbery to date, during which she'd stolen a whole carriage which just happened to have a very annoyed Natalia Rivera trapped inside it.  Olivia had slowed her words to a trickle, just to make sure the girl was really asleep, and then she'd given her one last kiss before heading back to her own half of the suite and fishing out her cellphone. 

"Hi," she said when the phone was picked up after two rings.  "It's me, Olivia." 

" _Hey_ ," Selina replied.  " _How you doing?_ " 

"I've been worse," Olivia said, with a slightly ironic smile.  "Listen, I just wanted to thank you for today.  I think it really did Natalia good to see...I don't know...how _normal_ you guys are.  I think she had the idea that being with me meant throwing away all her skirts and getting a crew cut or something." 

Selina chuckled softly.  " _I don't know, I think Natalia could carry off a buzz cut._ " 

Olivia closed her eyes and pictured a river of silky ebony hair; imagined running her hands through it, sifting it between her trembling fingertips.  "Over my dead body," she almost growled.  Selina laughed again. 

" _Down girl,_ " she said.  " _I'm not planning on attacking her with a razor or anything_." 

"Well, good."  Olivia opened her eyes.  The hotel room was mostly dark, with just a little amber light bleeding in from the street below.  She could hear the muted hiss of traffic, almost overwhelmed by the hum of the air conditioner and Selina's soft breathing on the other end of the line. 

" _I hope everything works out_ ," Selina said quietly, and something in her tone made Olivia's heart clench. 

"Did she say something to you?" she asked, sitting up straight and pulling a pillow against her chest. 

Selina sighed deeply.  " _She told me she loves you_ ," she said.  " _So, so much.  Just...just, hold on to that if things get a little rough, okay.  I'm not saying they will!_ " she added quickly, forestalling Olivia's interruption.  " _Just... **if** they do.  Please, don't ever doubt how she feels._ " 

Olivia breathed deeply through her nose.  "I won't," she said.  "I mean...I don't.  I trust her." 

" _Good_."  There was a pause, and then Selina took a deep breath.  " _I don't know if I should be telling you this_ ," she said in a rush, " _but I'm going to anyway_.  _Do you know that Natalia has never had good sex before?_ " 

Olivia laughed.  "Uh...yeah, she said something about that," she said. 

" _I don't mean just **enjoyable** ,_" Selina clarified, and Olivia could practically see her shaking her head.  " _I mean she told me that she's always felt...I don't know... **wrong** or **dirty** afterwards.  Typical Catholic bullshit._ " 

Olivia blinked.  "But...what about her husband?" she asked.  "What about Gus?" 

" _Gus?  Oh, you mean Nicky.  Yeah, with him too.  Look, the girl is messed up.  I don't know if it's just some ingrained religious shit, or if there's more to it but...I guess you should know.  You're the one who's gonna have to deal with it._ " 

Olivia frowned at the shadows dotted round the empty hotel room, trying to digest this new information.  "Thanks," she breathed at last. 

" _Anytime,"_ Selina replied.  " _And let me know if you want us to accidentally bump into you guys again.  I can clear my schedule._ " 

Olivia managed a short laugh.  Somehow she didn't think they'd get away with that one again.  Like Natalia had said once, she wasn't _that_ naive. 

* * *

Father Joe fed Natalia two cups of coffee and several home made cookies without continuing the conversation they'd begun in the confessional.  Instead, he'd asked her to tell him about Olivia and Natalia had done so - haltingly at first, and then with growing confidence until at last the words were falling from her lips like rain and she was laughing. 

"She's so funny," she said, chuckling at some half remembered joke.  "You know for so long I pretended she wasn't?  I perfected this stony faced look so she wouldn't know she'd won.  One time I actually came right out and said _I don't think you're funny._ You'd think someone had kicked her puppy!" 

The priest smiled.  "She sounds like a very interesting woman," he said.  Natalia nodded eagerly. 

"She is," she said.  "She's _fascinating_.  Every time I think I've seen every possible side of her I uncover a dozen more.  She's...I don't know, she's just amazing."  Natalia drifted into silence, a faraway look in her eyes. 

"That's what love is though, isn't it?" the priest remarked quietly.  "The eternal mystery of the other.  And the quest to know someone so deeply that they become a part of you." 

Natalia's eyes fluttered closed.  "She's already a part of me," she said.  "I'm not sure I know where she stops and I begin." 

Her eyes snapped open as she felt a warm hand land on hers.  "Looks like you begin here," Father Joe said.  "And she's somewhere else." 

Natalia flushed a deep crimson.  "Okay, so that was dumb," she allowed.  "But...what I mean is that things just...make more sense when I'm with her.  Normal things, like looking after her daughter or making sandwiches or eating dinner.  I've never felt..."  She shrugged.  "At home," she said at last.  "When I'm with her I feel at home." 

The priest busied himself pouring a third cup of coffee for them both, adding cream and three sugars to his own.  "So what's the problem?" he asked.  "Sounds like you know everything you need to know." 

Natalia raised her eyebrows.  "What's wrong?" she asked incredulously.  "Well, how about the whole _intrinsically disordered_ thing you were telling me about earlier?  Can we start there?" 

"Certainly."  The priest sat back in his chair, nibbling on a cookie and sipping his coffee.  "Firstly, let me first ask you if you know what _disordered_ means?" 

"A disorder is an illness-" Natalia began, but the priest cut her off with a wave of his hand. 

"No," he said.  "Being gay is not a disease.  Everyone knows that.  Disordered, in this context, simply means 'against the natural order'."  He pushed the plate of cookies over to her, and shrugged when she refused.  "But let me ask you this - if something is _unnatural_ , doesn't it follow that it should be completely absent from the natural world?" 

Natalia tilted her head to one side.  "Yes, I suppose so," she agreed. 

The priest nodded.  "You know what people used to say? _Animals don't engage in homosexual acts, that proves it's unnatural!_   And then when we discovered that a lot of animals actually _do_ exhibit homosexual behaviour those same people started saying _we're better than animals!_   _We should be above animalistic behaviour!_ Something of a logical minefield that one.  Do we take our cues from animal behaviour or not?  Apparently, it depends on which agenda you're trying to push." 

Natalia began to rub her temples with her fingertips.  "The Bible says-" she began, but again the priest interrupted her. 

"Oh yes, please tell this old man with a doctorate in theology what the Bible says," he muttered.  "May I remind you my dear that the Bible is a library of books, not just one.  It contains histories and poetry and letters and narratives and laws - and all of them had a specific audience in mind.  As we are _not_ that audience, it's up to us to interpret what is still relevant." 

Natalia shook her head in confusion.  "Are you saying you can just pick and choose what to believe?" she asked. 

"No, not at all," Father Joe said.  "I'm merely suggesting that you should listen to what God is trying to tell you, in all the ways he's trying to tell you it.  The church teaches that there are three ways that God speaks to us.  Do you know what they are?" 

Natalia brightened, delighted to have been asked a question she actually knew the answer to.  "Yes, I do know this," she said.  "The scriptures, the teaching office of the church, and individual prayer." 

"Otherwise known as the conscience," he agreed, taking another deep sip of his coffee.  "The second Vatican Council reaffirmed the importance of the conscience in matters of morality.  Think about it, my dear.  The scriptures were originally written thousands of years ago.  They were passed on by word of mouth for generations, and then they were written down and translated, and re-translated countless times.  The church bases its teachings on those scriptures, and on the thoughts of various holy men - and they were mostly men, of course.  When I talk to God in the silence of my own heart - that's the only way I know it's just me and him.  No translations, no interpretations, no intermediaries.  Do you ever feel like that?" 

Natalia sat back and took a deep breath.  "I know all this," she said softly.  "I've read the Bible, cover to cover, I've read interpretations, I've read books on theology."  She blushed briefly, remembering some of the _other_ books she'd read to prepare herself for the idea of being with Olivia.  The kind of books that had arrived in the house in plain brown paper and she'd read with a flashlight under her blankets, even though there was no-one around.  "I really thought I'd made my peace with everything," she continued, dragging her mind back to the matter at hand.  "I mean, I almost _married_ a man a few weeks ago, just to run from these feelings.  But even if I had gone through with it, it wouldn't have been right, would it?   Even if a priest had performed the ceremony, it still wouldn't have been holy.  Because I don't love him." 

The priest nodded carefully.  "That's right," he said.  "The sacrament of matrimony is more than just words.  It's love." 

Natalia closed her eyes.  "Right, it's all about love.  Everything is about love.  _God is love_ , right, that's what I kept telling myself.  And so I thought and I prayed and I really believed that _love_ was what mattered.  Until yesterday." 

Father Joe leaned forward and grasped her hands.  "What?" he asked gently.  "What happened?" 

Natalia swallowed hard.  "I-" she began, then had to stop to clear her throat.  "We...well, Olivia and I...were _together_.  You know.  And it was..."  She sighed.  "I don't know what it was.  I just know it wasn't right.  I mean, if love is what matters then it should have been beautiful, right?  Because I love her so much I sometimes forget to breathe when I'm with her.  So why...why wasn't it?  I don't understand why it wasn't right.  Maybe God's trying to tell me it is a sin after all?" 

For long moments neither of them spoke.  Natalia pulled her hands from the priest's and took a sip of her now cold coffee, wincing at the bitter taste. 

"When did your father die?" the priest asked suddenly. 

Natalia blinked.  "Uh...just over a week ago," she said.  "What does that have to do with-" 

"I'm trying to establish your emotional state, my dear," he said, as if it should have been obvious.  "How were things between you and Olivia when you met yesterday?  Any issues or problems?" 

Natalia blushed.  "Well...someone from home had told me they saw her with another woman," she admitted.  "But it was nothing like that," she rushed to assure him.  "I mean, I know now she didn't do anything wrong." 

"But you were angry with her?" he asked.  Natalia nodded. 

"At first," she admitted.  "Not now." 

Father Joe leaned back in his chair and regarded her with a dumbfounded expression.  "What?" she said, squirming a little uncomfortably in her seat. 

"Are you seriously asking me," he began incredulously, "why a sexual encounter fuelled by grief, anger and jealousy wasn't _beautiful_?" 

A blush spread from Natalia's chest to the tips of her ears.  "I just mean-" 

"For God's sake, woman," he muttered, interrupting her.  "Surely you can see that the motivations behind an act are just as important as the act itself!  If you feel like you've committed a sin, maybe the sin is using sex as an act of possession rather than an expression of love!" 

He stood suddenly, the chair scraping across the floor.  "Father, what are you doing?" she asked.  He had stalked over to a bookshelf and was rifling through it. 

"Looking for...aha, looking for this," he exclaimed, pulling a slim volume from the shelf.  "The Pope's first encyclical, one of the best things ever written about love - physical and otherwise."  He thrust it into her hands.  "Read it." 

She glanced down at the copy of _Deus Caritas Est_ he'd forced upon her.  It looked well thumbed.  She looked up again, catching his eyes.  "I will," she promised.  "Father, what you said about an act of possession..." 

He sat down again.  "You said it yourself my dear - you were jealous and angry, weren't you?  Couldn't you have been - consciously or otherwise - _claiming_ her rather than _loving_ her?" 

Natalia cast her mind back, flushing as she remembered marking Olivia's perfect skin, growling _you're mine_ , the thrill that had rushed through her at Olivia's answering _I'm yours_   Yes, that was exactly what it had been about.  Nothing subconscious about it.  "Yes..." she said slowly.  "Yes, I was." 

"Pure eros," he said, shaking his head.  "Possession.  Taking, rather than giving.  You'll understand when you read the letter." 

Natalia slid the priest's gift into her purse with shining eyes.  "All right," she said. 

Father Joe leaned forward and grabbed her hand again.  "Don't be afraid," he said gently.  "Have faith.  And if you feel the need to repent something, you know where I am.  Just make sure you're repenting the right thing, all right?" 

Natalia nodded.  "I'll try, Father," she said. 

The priest smiled.  "That's all anyone can ask." 

It was nearly eleven by the time she got back to her mother's apartment.  It was dark, and she could hear the sounds of her mother's regular breathing coming from her room and the gurgle of Rafe's snores from the living room.  After a quick glance at her son to make sure all was well, she escaped into her own room, with the pastel pink walls and the New Kids on the Block posters from another life.  She slipped the book from her purse and opened it. 

There was a long night ahead of her. 

* * *

In the end, Natalia didn't sleep a wink. 

Father Joe was right - the Pope's letter _was_ beautiful, but it was also dense and sometimes confusing, especially to someone operating on more adrenaline than sleep.  It spoke of facets of love, and balance, and the search for the eternal through human relationships.  And as she read Natalia had begun to realise that her life, to date, had been completely unbalanced. 

She had always been first in line to give of herself.  No-one could accuse Natalia Rivera of being uncharitable, after all.  And whether it was baking dozens upon dozens of cookies for the church bake sale, or going without meals so that her son's belly could be full, Natalia had always been ready and willing to sacrifice.  And this trait extended into her romantic life too. 

First Nicky, whose arms she'd run to as a frightened child, terrified of a self she couldn't live with.  She'd needed him as shelter, a place to hide, and so she'd given him her body in payment.  Later, when they were married, she'd sold herself in much the same way - this time in exchange for the normal family and easy life she knew Rafe had always dreamed of.  And Frank...Frank was a rinse and repeat mistake, familiar ground. 

Sex for her had always been about giving - giving herself, giving pleasure, giving her body like it was a commodity to trade for safety, or normality.  It had never been enjoyable per se - not until Olivia.  But with Olivia she had swung too far the other way - taking, grasping, claiming, possessing.  Although she loved Olivia, it hadn't been beautiful like she'd wanted their first time to be. 

The letter she still held in her trembling hands described the kind of beautiful love-making she'd been dreaming about.  There would be a balance of give and take, with every facet of love joining together like the colours of the spectrum to create a pure, white light. 

_I could have that with Olivia_ , she thought, hope rising in her heart for the first time in weeks.  _We could do this.  We could make this work_. 

Because she knew, without a shadow of a doubt, that Olivia loved her.  She could feel it as an almost physical force whenever they were in the same room.  And like she'd said to Father Joe yesterday - love was what mattered.  The church wouldn't sanctify their union, but love would.  Love, respect, restraint, balance - with those, she could make this right. 

Bolstered by this new-found sense of peace and confidence, she found herself laughing, quietly at first and then more and more freely, until finally she attracted onlookers - Rafe and her mother. 

"Ma?" Rafe asked, a confused smile tugging at the corners of his mouth.  "What is it?  Why are you laughing?" 

She dropped the letter onto the bed and rose up to take him in her arms.  "I just realised that everything is going to be okay, baby," she said, holding him close. 

Josephine snorted.  "How do you figure?" she said, sarcasm dripping from every word.  Slowly, Natalia's laughter died. 

"Mom-" she began, but Josephine cut her off. 

"You came home late last night," she snapped.  "What were you doing?" 

Natalia swallowed hard, fighting the urge to cringe back like she was a frightened school-girl.  "Olivia, Emma and I went to the park," she said, only a little defensively.  "We ran into Selina and her partner and their nephew.  We joined them for something to eat.  Then I went to vigil mass and confession." 

A deeply unpleasant sneer formed on Josephine's face.  "Long confession," she said.  "You had a lot to confess, hmm?  Like what you get up to with that so-called boss of yours." 

Natalia flushed and Rafe looked between them in confusion.  "Ma?" he mumbled, a frown creasing his face. 

_Not like this_ , Natalia's mind screamed.  _Don't do this mom, I don't want him to find out like this!_

"Olivia _is_ my boss," she said softly.  "And anything we may 'get up to' is not anything I need to confess." 

A look of incredulity followed by fury rolled across Josephine's face.  "You lie to me in my own house!" she demanded, her voice raising.  "You think I'm stupid, Natalia?  First you carried on with that dreadful girl Selina - right under my nose!  And now you try to tell me this woman is just your boss?" 

Natalia took a deep breath.  Rafe was looking at her with an expression of dawning horror.  "She's not just my boss," she said softly, but clearly.  "She's the best friend I've ever had.  She's my family.  And I love her." 

Her declaration was like a solid object in the room.  It slid from her lips and coiled up on the floor like a sleeping cobra, then reared up, ready to strike.  And it struck Rafe first. 

"What?"  He took a step back from her.  "Ma, what are you saying?" 

The blood had drained from Natalia's face, but her voice was steady.  "If you're old enough to ask the question, you're old enough to hear the answer," she murmured.  She took another deep, steadying breath then found his eyes and held them.  "I'm in love with Olivia." 

There was a moment of stunned silence before the explosion, a calm before the storm.  Natalia could hear nothing but the ticking of the clock on her bedside table, feel nothing but the pounding of her own heart.  Rafe's eyes registered shock, disgust, hurt, anger, confusion, all in varying degrees, rolling in and out like waves at high tide. 

"Oh my God," he muttered.  "Oh my...no.  No.  I can't believe this.  I _refuse_ to believe this!" 

"I can believe it," Josephine interjected, suddenly reminding both mother and son that they were not alone.  Natalia's head snapped round. 

"Of course," she said sharply.  "You knew.  When I was a kid, and Selina was here..." 

"Awful girl," Josephine muttered, frowning. 

"Who the hell is Selina?" Rafe demanded, but Natalia ignored him.  She couldn't deal with that now. 

"What was so awful about her?  That she was my friend?  That she wasn't Catholic?  Or that she was gay?"  She turned to face her mother, crossing her arms across her chest.  Josephine threw her hands up in the air. 

"I was trying to protect you!" she exclaimed.  "That girl was trouble.  Temptation!"  Natalia scoffed. 

"Right, so throwing her out of the house that morning was supposed to remove the temptation, was it?" she demanded.  "It doesn't work like that mom!  You don't stop being gay just because the object of your affection isn't around." 

"MA!" 

Natalia snapped her mouth closed and turned to her son guiltily.  She had almost forgotten he was there.  "Rafe," she began, reaching out to him, but he flinched away. 

"I don't understand," he said, a whining tone entering his voice.  "Ma, you're not gay.  Come on, ma.  You were married!  To my _father_ , a _man_.  You can't be gay.  You can't." 

Natalia's lower lip trembled.  Why did she have to say it out loud so soon after being able to admit it to herself?  Was this some kind of test?  God making sure she was certain about this whole thing? 

"I'm sorry, Rafe," she said softly, wiping at a few errant tears.  "I...I think..." she closed her eyes, then shook her head.  "I am," she said at last, without qualifications.  "I am." 

The shock of her declaration sent him reeling like a physical blow.  He shook his head.  "No," he pleaded.  "No...Ma, this isn't right." 

"Rafe," she said, reaching out to him, but he flinched away. 

"Don't touch me!" he screamed, and Natalia reared back as if struck.  "I don't know you.  You're not my mother."  He took one step back, then two.  "I'm outta here." 

He got as far as the door before he was stopped in his tracks by a commanding bellow that brooked no contradiction. 

"Don't you dare walk away from her!" 

Natalia gaped at her mother, not quite able to believe what had just come out of her mouth.  Josephine was bristling with anger.  She grabbed Rafe by the hair, dragging him back into Natalia's bedroom and throwing him to the bed, ignoring his gasps of pain and disbelief.  "Grandma," he gasped, but one look from her quieted him. 

"Shut your mouth you ungrateful wretch!" she shouted.  Natalia's jaw almost hit the floor, but her mother ignored her.  "How _dare_ you speak to her like that?  How _dare_ you?  Since the moment you were born she has done nothing but love you and care for you and put you first.  She's only ever wanted what's best for you.  You have been her entire world for as long as you've been alive.  Who are you to walk away from her now, just because she's made a mistake?" 

Natalia picked her jaw back up off the floor as her own anger re-asserted itself.  "Love is not a mistake," she said, but Josephine waved her away. 

"Oh, of course it is," she said dismissively.  "It's selfish and sinful and against God's word, Natalia."  Rafe was rubbing at his sore scalp, but he nodded along with his grandmother. 

"Listen to her, ma," he said.  Natalia shook her head in disbelief.  An old anger rose up from a long buried pit in her stomach, burning through her throat, choking to be set free. 

"You want to talk about sin?" she said, her voice deceptively calm.  "Because we can talk about sin, if you _really_ want to." 

Josephine turned to face her.  They stood opposite each other like two boxers waiting for the bell, with Rafe between them like a confused referee.  "What are you talking about Natalia?" she growled. 

Natalia almost laughed.  "I'm talking about hypocrisy!" she exclaimed.  "I'm talking about you and dad bringing me up as a Catholic, saying prayers, going to church, believing in love and forgiveness.  And then-" she broke off, almost choking on bitterness and vitriol.  "And then...when I got pregnant-" 

"Ma," Rafe interrupted, reaching out to her.  Natalia waved his hand away, not breaking eye contact with her mother. 

"And then," she continued.  "When I most needed you to _love_ me and _forgive_ me...you betrayed me." 

Josephine flinched as if she'd been slapped.  " _We_ betrayed _you_?" she gasped.  "How dare you!" 

"Ma, what is this?" Rafe demanded, standing up and forcing his mother to look at him.  Natalia turned her eyes onto him, the lines of her face tense with fury. 

"You want to pontificate with her about sin, huh Rafe?" she hissed.  "With _her_?"  She turned back to her mother and spat the accusation like a bullet. 

"If she'd had her way you would never have been born!" 

* * *

Josephine stood stock still for a long moment then stumbled back into the wall, clutching her heart.  Natalia was by her side in an instant, steadying her. 

"Mom," she gasped, anger and concern warring for dominance in her voice.  Josephine waved her off. 

"Like you care if my heart is breaking," she snapped.  "You didn't care the last time you did it." 

Natalia stepped back.  "You have a very strange recollection of who hurt who," she said tightly. 

Rafe glanced back and forth between them like a spectator at a tennis match.  "Ma," he mumbled.  "What are you talking about?" 

Natalia's chin jutted forward.  "Ask her," she ground out.  "Ask her what she and my father had planned for me when they found out I was pregnant with you." 

Josephine's head whipped up.  "What?"  She shook her head in confusion.  "Plans?  We had no plans." 

For a long moment Natalia was speechless, but then she laughed - a long, bitter, humourless laugh.  "Now who's lying?" she demanded, then stepped forward and slapped the wall dividing her room from Josephine's.  "Thin walls, remember?  I _heard_ you." 

Rafe sank down onto his mother's thin single bed, feeling like he'd just been dropped into a very surreal play.  He looked at his mother, standing with her back straight and her head held high, fire in her eyes, and felt a little afraid.  He'd never seen her like this.  His mom didn't get angry.  She just sighed resignedly at whatever life had thrown at her and got on with it.  This new side to her was, if he was honest, a tiny bit scary. 

"Heard _what_?" Josephine spat. 

Natalia shook her head.  "I heard you," she said, slowly and deliberately, "planning to make me have an abortion." 

Rafe's head shot up.  His grandmother had gone deathly white and was leaning against the wall even more heavily.  "Grandma?" he mumbled, but she didn't look at him.  Her eyes were locked on her daughter's flushed face. 

"It wasn't like that-" she began, but Natalia cut her off with a hollow laugh. 

"How dare you talk to me about sin?" she demanded.  "How dare you tell me that my _love_ is wrong when you and dad wanted me to _murder_ my child?" 

"It wasn't like that!" Josephine screamed, holding her hands to her ears as if to block out the words.  Or the past. 

Natalia wasn't about to let her off that easily.  "Oh no you don't," she muttered, stalking over to her mother and forcing her hands away from her head.  "You're going to listen to me for once." 

Josephine stared into the face of her only child and narrowed her eyes.  "Okay, Natalia.  You tell me what you _think_ you heard, hmm?" 

"I _know_ what I heard," Natalia replied firmly. 

"Do you?" Josephine said in a low whisper and something in her tone made Natalia hesitate. 

"I..." she said, then coughed to clear her throat.  "I heard you and dad talking." 

"You mentioned the part where you were eavesdropping on an adult conversation," Josephine remarked acidly.  Natalia flushed. 

"Dad was talking about making an appointment at a clinic," she said, a little more strength in her voice.  "He asked you what you'd do if I refused to go through with it." 

Josephine raised one eyebrow.  "And?" she prompted. 

"And you said ' _then she'll find out that actions have consequences_.'" 

Rafe looked up at his mother, a frown deepening on his brow.  "That's it?"  Natalia's head snapped round. 

"Keep out of this, Rafe," she snapped. 

"You're talking about when you were pregnant with _me_ , remember?" he said, then did a double take when two sets of identical eyes rolled exaggeratedly. 

"How did you raise such a stupid child?" Josephine muttered.  Natalia rounded on her at once. 

"Leave him out of this," she growled.  "This is about you and me." 

Josephine tilted her head.  "So talk to me," she said.  "Tell me what you thought I meant by that, hmm?" 

Natalia took a step back, her confidence faltering again.  "I don't know," she admitted.  "I just know it was nothing good."  Josephine threw her hands in the air. 

"You _stupid_ girl," she hissed.  "Don't you know you destroyed your father?  Don't you know you broke his heart?"  Natalia turned away, her jaw clenched. 

"Yeah, yeah, sixteen, pregnant, unmarried-" she began, reciting the usual litany, but Josephine cut her off. 

"No!" she exclaimed, shaking her head.  " _Idiotic_ child.  Because you left!" 

Rafe sat back a little on the bed, watching his mother and grandmother squaring off against each other.  He realised suddenly that his mother had never talked about the circumstances surrounding her leaving home.  He supposed he'd always assumed that his grandparents had kicked her out.  She'd never talked about them, never tried to get in touch, never attempted to ask them for help, even when they'd been so poor that she hadn't been able to feed them both and had so gone hungry. 

Natalia set her jaw.  "I didn't have a choice." 

Josephine's face was flushed, but her eyes were watery and her lips were trembling.  "You left," she whispered.  "You didn't talk to us.  You didn't give us a chance to explain.  You didn't give us the benefit of the doubt.  After everything we'd done for you.  You know, coming to this country wasn't _easy_ for us.  We did it for you - so you'd have a better life.  And how did you repay us?" 

Natalia took one step forward.  "I couldn't let you hurt my child," she insisted, but she didn't seem as sure as she had been.  Josephine waved her hand dismissively. 

"We just wanted what was best for you," she said.  A single tear escaped her eye and trailed down her cheek.  "Especially your father.  You were...you were his whole world.  He loved you so much, Natalia.  He only wanted you to have an easier life.  He didn't want you to have to grow up so fast."  She shrugged.  "He wanted you to stay his little girl." 

Natalia paled, her face stricken.  "But...what about the clinic?" 

"It was an option," Josephine replied.  "Just an option.  He hated it.  My God, Natalia, he'd changed his mind by morning.  I doubt he could have gone through with it, but you never gave us the chance to talk to you about it.  Because you'd gone by the time we woke up."  Silent tears were flowing freely now, but Josephine's voice was calm.  "No note.  No call.  No explanation.  Just a few clothes and some money missing."  She closed her eyes.  "Do you realise that we didn't know if you were alive or dead for six months?  Not until your cousin Maria finally admitted to seeing you.  And even then she wouldn't tell us where you were." 

Natalia took a step forward, her hand flying to her mouth.  "I didn't think-" she began, but her mother cut her off. 

"No, you didn't," she said.  "Look around, Natalia.  Look around at the shrine to you that your father erected."  She opened her eyes.  "He always hoped you'd come back." 

Natalia's eyes spun wildly about the room, taking in the pastel pink walls, the anachronistic posters, the carefully maintained furniture.  "I wondered why you'd kept the room like this..." she whispered. 

Josephine looked away.  Silence stretched between them like a taut rubber band. 

"But what about those _consequences_ ," Natalia demanded, when the tension finally became unbearable.  "What did you mean by that?" 

"What do you think?" Josephine exclaimed.  "Having a baby at sixteen is a consequence, isn't it?  Losing your childhood is a consequence.  Not being able to go to college.  Having to work your fingers to the bone.  Spending your nights worrying about money instead of having fun, like a teenager is supposed to." 

Rafe squirmed uncomfortably on the bed, but went ignored by both women.  "It was my choice," Natalia said defensively. 

"But you didn't have to do it alone!"  Josephine clenched her fists.  "Stupid girl, we would have helped you!" 

Natalia took a step back, her eyes stricken.  "But..." she spluttered.  "But...I thought-" 

"You thought what?" Josephine demanded.  "That we'd disown you?  Throw you out on the streets?  Condemn you to hell?"  She barked out a brief, humourless laugh.  "You really think your father would have done that?" 

"Not him," Natalia said without thinking, then flushed, clamping her mouth shut.  Josephine's eyes narrowed. 

"Oh, of course not.  But you could believe that _I_ would do it, yes?  That's what you're saying." 

Natalia shook her head.  "Mom-" she said, but Josephine wouldn't let her continue. 

"How typical.  You and your father, so alike, so close.  You had him wrapped round your little finger from the moment you were born.  And I was always the bad guy, wasn't I?  Always the one who had to make you go to bed, or brush your teeth or do your homework." 

Natalia took a step forward, but Josephine waved her away.  " _Everything_ I did was for your own good.  Because I wanted you to be healthy and happy and successful.  Is that so terrible?  Does that make me a monster?" 

Natalia shook her head.  "I thought..." she said, then seemed to lose the words. 

"I know what you thought," Josephine said bitterly.  "I know how you see me.  But you know something?  Just because you never loved _me_ it doesn't mean I never loved _you_." 

Natalia stepped back, tears filling her eyes and spilling over onto her cheeks.  She cast her eyes around the room, taking in all the detritus of her broken childhood before finally settling her gaze on the unwitting cause of it all - her very confused looking son.  "I have to go," she whispered, gathering up her jacket and purse, making sure to slip the letter she'd been reading inside. 

"Where are you going?" Josephine demanded, reaching for her.  Natalia ducked from her grasp. 

"I don't know," Natalia admitted.  "I just...I need to think.  I need to think." 

Josephine surged forward, but didn't manage to stop Natalia before she made it out the door.  "Running away again?" she yelled to her daughter's departing back before slamming the door hard and collapsing against it.  Rafe watched her for a long moment before he realised that she was crying, deep silent sobs. 

"Grandma," he murmured, reaching out for her.  She flinched away from his touch. 

"You have Olivia's number?" she asked shortly.  Her eyes were dark and unreadable. 

Rafe nodded, frowning.  "Yeah..." 

Josephine closed her eyes and took a deep breath.  "Give it to me," she said. 

* * *

Natalia had no idea where she was going.  It was all she could do to keep one foot moving in front of the other.  The streets were a blur of sights and sounds and people's faces and she couldn't take it in.  All she could do was replay that night nearly nineteen years ago over and over in her mind. 

_"I can make her an appointment at a...at a clinic."  Her father's voice was low and gravelly.  Had he been crying?  "That's what people do, isn't it?  When they need to take care of...something like this."_

_There was a long pause.  "Some people do," her mother allowed, with no expression in her voice to give a clue of what she was thinking.  Natalia curled into a foetal position in her bed, hugging her pillow and frowning._

_"We need to do something," her father continued.  "We can't just let her make her own mistakes - she's only a child."_

_"She'll be a child to you for the rest of her life," Josephine murmured._

_"What do you mean?"  Her father's voice was sharp._

_"Just that you might not be seeing things clearly," Josephine replied.  "You should rest.  Think about it in the morning."_

_Natalia heard a sigh, and then the creak of bedsprings as her parents lay down.  "You're right," her father sighed.  "It has been a very long day."_

_"It has," her mother agreed softly._

_There was a very long silence, so long that Natalia thought they'd gone to sleep.  But then her father's voice cut through the night one last time.  "If we do send her to one of these clinics," he said hesitantly.  "What do we do if she refuses?  What do we say?"_

_"Don't worry about that now," her mother muttered.  "Sleep."_

_"But what if-"_

_"If she refuses," Josephine interrupted, "then she'll find out that actions have consequences."_

_Natalia lay in the darkness next door, eyes wide, heart thumping.  She strained her ears as hard as she could, but there was no more.  After a few minutes her father began to snore._

_He'd gone to sleep.  She could hardly believe it.  How could he sleep so easily?  Natalia knew that rest would not come so quickly to her.  She rested her hand over her stomach, slipping it under her thin tank top and splaying her fingers across it.  She could almost feel the child growing inside her.  She'd looked up a book in the library - it was the size of an apple seed right now.  So small and vulnerable and delicate.  It needed her to protect it.  She'd even started thinking of names.  How could her father even think of asking her to...to kill it?_

_But was he going to ask?  Her blood ran cold at the thought.  Her mother had said something about consequences.  What consequences?  Would they take the choice away from her?  Drag her to a clinic kicking and screaming?  Maybe they'd take her to one of the women she'd heard school friends whispering about who could 'take care' of little problems like this in their back bedrooms?  Would they hold her down themselves or pay someone else to do it?_

_Her stomach lurched and she had to force herself to calm down.  She closed her eyes and breathed deeply, trying to dispel the dreadful images from her mind.  Her father would never do that, she thought.  Surely...surely he wouldn't._

_Her eyes flickered open as she remembered the look of pain and shame that had coloured his features when she'd finally told her parents everything, that afternoon.  He'd looked at her like he didn't know who she was anymore.  She barely knew herself.  Maybe she didn't know him either?  Maybe nothing was as it seemed._

_And then there was her mother.  Cold eyes.  Her lips in a thin, hard line.  Consequences.  What did she mean by that?_

_Natalia's jaw hardened.  She couldn't take a chance on finding out.  She knew what she had to do._

Natalia swam back into the present through a veil of unshed tears, blinking hard.  Her thoughtless steps had brought her three blocks from her mother's house, to St Paul's church.  Worshippers were streaming out from morning mass and the priest was on the steps, greeting each parishioner as they stepped out into the light.  It was Father Joe. 

"Natalia!" he called cheerily, waving to her.  She blinked twice before she finally walked over to him, shaking her head as if trying to wake herself from a dream. 

"Father," she said softly.  "Good morning." 

The priest looked her up and down, a small smile on his lips.  "You look terrible, my dear," he remarked conversationally.  Natalia flushed. 

"I didn't sleep well," she admitted.  _Or at all._ "And I...had words with my mother and son this morning." 

"Ah."  Father Joe nodded.  "Unpleasant words, I assume?" 

Natalia almost laughed.  "You could say that," she replied, then sighed.  "I'm sorry Father, I don't really know why I'm here..." 

Father Joe shrugged.  "That's fine.  We don't have to talk.  Have you had breakfast?  Our housekeeper always makes too much..."  He trailed off, holding his hands apart invitingly.  Natalia shook her head. 

"No...thank you, Father.  I think I know now where I should be going."  She fished through her bag, pulling out the well thumbed letter she'd stayed up all night to read.  "This helped," she said, holding it out to him.  "Thank you." 

Father Joe shook his head.  "Keep it," he said.  "I think you'll get more use out of it now than I will."  He smiled gently, glancing over her shoulder to the street.  "And I think there's someone here to see you." 

Natalia turned slowly, expecting to see Rafe or her mother spoiling for a fight, but it wasn't either of them.  It was the person she should have gone to in the first place, the only one who could help her make sense of her shattered thoughts, the woman who was her home, her life, her world, her love.  "Olivia," she breathed, and left Father Joe without a backwards glance, trotting down the steps and practically throwing herself into the other woman's arms. 

"Hey," Olivia soothed, running her hands through Natalia's hair and down her back.  "What's wrong?"  Natalia shook her head tightly and breathed in deeply through her nose, drinking in the smell of Olivia's soap and shampoo along with that quintessential something that no-one could ever replicate, that scent which wrapped her up like a child in a blanket and whispered: _"You're home."_

"Nothing, now that you're here," she whispered against Olivia's neck.  She felt rather than heard Olivia's answering sigh, shuddered at the sensation of warm lips pressing against her shoulder. 

"Your mother called me," Olivia said at last, her voice a little trembly.  "She seemed to think you'd be coming to see me." 

"I was," Natalia replied instantly.  "I was confused and I got a little side-tracked.  But I was coming to you." 

Olivia's breath caught and she had to blink back tears.  "Thank you," she whispered. 

Natalia squeezed Olivia a little tighter, then pulled back.  "Where's Emma?" she asked.  Her eyes raked over Olivia's face as if she was trying to memorise her features. 

"The hotel has day care," Olivia replied.  "I was on my way to see you.  We're supposed to look at a building for the Beacon franchising project today, remember?" 

Natalia blinked, then nodded slowly.  "I remember," she said at last.  "Can we do something else first?"  She closed her eyes and sighed, leaning into Olivia's slightly trembling hand which had come up to caress her cheek. 

"Anything you want," Olivia said.  "Anything."  Natalia smiled tremulously. 

"Thank you," she said.  There was a pause, during which the rest of the world seemed to melt away like a pavement chalk drawing in a sudden downpour.  "Olivia..." she breathed, struck with a sudden compulsion to say the one thing above all others of which she was completely certain.  "I love you." 

Olivia swallowed hard and then smiled, that smile of hers which said ' _If I don't smile I'm going to cry and it's stupid to cry when I'm so happy.'_ "I love you too," she replied.  "So...so much." 

Natalia smiled and took the other woman into her arms again, holding her so close that she was sure she could feel her heartbeat.  Olivia clung to her tightly, burying her face into the ebony river of her hair and breathing deeply.  "What did you want to do?" she asked at last, her voice watery.  Natalia pulled back a little and pushed a stray strand of her hair behind Olivia's ear. 

"Can you take me to see my dad?" 

* * *

Olivia slid into the driver's seat of her rented Nissan with a sigh.  It had been...well, quite a morning to put it mildly.  And it was barely ten am. 

She'd woken at eight with a headache and a tangle of tension rolling around in her gut.  Sleep had come the night before only after three shots of whisky from the horrendously overpriced mini bar.  She'd needed them after her conversation with Selina, which had left her more than a little disturbed.  The knowledge that Natalia had always felt ashamed or dirty after sex - and that she, Olivia, had done nothing to break the cycle - was nothing short of heartbreaking.  She'd spent at least half an hour after Selina had hung up berating herself for her selfishness and weakness at giving in to Natalia's advances.  Because she'd known it wasn't right.  She'd known it wasn't what either of them wanted their first time to be - rushed and heated and angry.  She'd had her fair share of sex like that and she was tired of it.  She'd never wanted to taint Natalia, or their delicate, fledgeling love, with that side of her. 

When sleep had finally come it had been filled with the faces of all the men that had meandered through her life...Jeffrey, Richard, Josh, Alan, Phillip, Bill, Buzz, Frank...their faces merging together into one homogenous mass, circling round her head as she wallowed in a deep, dark hole.  And then, suddenly, from above, there was Natalia.  Sweet, beautiful, pure Natalia; dark hair, dark eyes, surrounded by soft, white light.  Her salvation.  Her salvation, that is, if she had the strength to pull Olivia up into that light with her instead of allowing Olivia to drag her into the dark pit she'd been living in for half her life.  In her dream she'd reached out to take her hand, trusting both their fates to the strength in her arms, the determination in her eyes.  She'd woken up just as their hands clasped together.  She'd tried desperately to go back to sleep, to cling to the dream for as long as possible.  She needed to know.  Was Natalia strong enough?  Could she save her? 

The incessant pounding in her head had prevented her from finding out.  With a groan she'd finally opened her eyes, with no more insight than she'd fallen asleep with, and a bad feeling that the day was only going to get worse. 

Which of course it had, when her phone had rung at 9.15am.  An unknown number.  She'd answered, and had immediately been assaulted with a high pitched screech that had forced her to pull the phone several inches away from her ear. 

" _Where is my daughter?_ " the voice had eventually demanded.  At least, those were the first words Olivia had understood out of the barrage of half formed Spanish and English phrases that the other woman was spitting down the phone like bullets. 

"Mrs Rivera," she'd said, rolling her eyes.  "How delightful to hear from you again.  I'm just on my way to pick up Natalia now, as it happens.  We have some business together today." 

" _I know what kind of business you do together._ " 

Her eyebrow had raised of its own accord.  "Hotel business?" 

" _Ha!  You think I'm stupid?  You think I was born yesterday?_ " 

"No-one could ever accuse you of that," Olivia had remarked acidly, smiling to herself when Josephine took in a deep breath. 

" _When you see her, tell Natalia to come home_ ," she had ordered, and then hung up. 

Olivia looked up, startled out of her internal replay of the morning's events by the sound of the passenger door thudding shut.  Natalia looked over at her and smiled.  "Thanks," she said.  "I just wanted to say goodbye to Father Joe.  He's been...extremely helpful." 

Olivia nodded, casting her eyes over Natalia's shoulder to glance at the priest, who was heading back into the church.  "Helpful 'reminding you about the fire and brimstone' helpful or...?" Olivia trailed off as a warm hand came to rest on top of hers and threaded their fingers together. 

"The other kind of helpful," Natalia said softly. 

Olivia felt one of the knots in her stomach untangle and she closed her eyes in relief.  The feeling of safety, warmth, security and love she'd experienced in Natalia's arms had gone a long way to improving her mood.  But this?  Holding hands in the car, just the two of them, no onlookers, no disapproving mothers, no curious children, no passers by, just them, like it was always supposed to be?  This was almost better.  She smiled, and regretfully pulled her hand away so she could put the car into drive.  "Where am I going?" she asked, her voice slightly husky. 

"Mount Olivet cemetery," Natalia replied.  "Just get on the I-94 heading east, I'll direct you from there." 

Olivia nodded.  "Okie dokie," she said as she pulled out into traffic.  Natalia laughed softly as she reached out to take her hand again. 

"You're being whimsical," she said, love seeping into every syllable. 

"Part of my charm, remember?" Olivia replied, feeling her heart sprout some tiny, experimental wings. 

"I do," Natalia said, squeezing her hand.  "I do." 

Olivia swallowed, trying to concentrate on the road.  Natalia didn't let go of her hand the whole way, and Olivia thanked her long discarded God for Natalia Rivera, Chicago traffic, and automatic transmission. 

* * *

Natalia was quiet when they finally reached the graveyard.  Olivia turned the engine off and they sat silently together for long minutes, listening to the leftover ticks from the engine and the faded bustle of everyday life on the street.  Eventually Olivia coughed, drawing Natalia's attention.  "Do you want me to wait for you here?" she asked softly, caressing Natalia's knuckles with her thumb.  Natalia looked away, gazing out of the window and into space. 

"I want you with me," she said at last.  _Always_ was left unsaid, but it hung in the space between them nonetheless, like a living thing. 

"Okay," Olivia replied, trying not to let too much happiness leak into her voice.  They were at a graveyard after all.  "Whenever you're ready." 

They lapsed into silence again and Natalia closed her eyes.  She was still for so long that Olivia almost began to believe she'd fallen asleep and was on the point of whispering her name, when she felt her hand being squeezed.  Natalia opened her eyes slowly.  "Okay, let's go," she said, finally releasing Olivia's hand as she reached for the door handle. 

The moment they walked through the gates the noise of the rest of the world seemed to melt away.  Natalia began to walk among the headstones, seemingly at random, occasionally stopping to read one or make some comment. 

"I thought we were going to visit your father's grave," Olivia said gently, when Natalia paused at yet another stranger's headstone.  Natalia shrugged. 

"I like graveyards," she murmured.  "All these headstones...layers and layers of people's lives, generation upon generation."  She pointed at one stone.  "Look," she said.  "That woman there.  She was born, she lived, she died.  She was married.  She left behind children who loved her."  She pointed again, this time at a man's headstone.  "And him," she said.  "Someone's son; someone's husband."  Olivia smiled, but it was a confused smile. 

"I don't understand," she admitted.  Natalia reached out and took her hand, knotting their fingers together as they continued to walk. 

"Haven't you ever thought about how wonderful it is?" she asked.  "What gets written on headstones isn't flashy or boastful.  It isn't how much money we made or how high up the corporate ladder we climbed.  It's how much we were loved."  They stopped at another headstone and Natalia smiled.  "Like this lady for example," she said, nodding towards the inscription.  Olivia turned her head, and gasped. 

_Natalia Rosa Rivera_   
_born 25th December 1928_   
_died 10th July 1990_   
_Beloved wife, mother and grandmother_

_He has redeemed my soul from going to the pit,_   
_And my life shall see the light._   
_Job 33:28_

"Sorry," Natalia said, wincing a little at the way Olivia had paled.  "She's my abuela.  I was named after her." 

Olivia nodded feebly.  "It's okay," she said.  "Just...I never want to look at a headstone with your name on it, okay?" 

"All right," Natalia replied gently.  She smiled and pressed herself against Olivia's side, wrapping her arm round her waist and resting her head on her shoulder.  Olivia curled her own arm round Natalia's shoulders automatically, pulling her closer and sighing softly. 

"Your grandmother was born on Christmas day," she said.  Natalia nodded. 

"That's what our name means," she explained. 

"I know," Olivia replied.  "I wondered a few times you know...why you were called Natalia when your birthday's in October." 

They lapsed into silence again, holding onto each other as they stood before the grave.  Eventually Olivia noticed that Natalia was mumbling a prayer in Spanish under her breath.  "Amen," she said softly as Natalia finished, and was rewarded with a dazzling smile. 

"You are so wonderful," Natalia breathed, a mixture of surprised and delighted.  She cupped her face between her hands and pulled her down for the lightest and chastest of kisses before continuing to walk.  Olivia stood still for a long moment, her lips tingling and heart racing, and then followed her as far as the next grave.  This one was fresh and had no headstone yet.  Olivia knew immediately that they had arrived at their destination. 

Natalia sank the ground, kneeling before the grave and resting her hands on her thighs.  Olivia stood behind her.  Her fingers ran slowly through the waves of her hair, then came to a stop on her shoulders. 

"This is it, huh?" she said quietly.  Natalia nodded. 

"Yes," she replied.  "This is where my father is buried."  Olivia squeezed her shoulders but said nothing, and after a moment Natalia continued.  "I was always a daddy's girl," she said, a small smile dusting over her lips.  "I used to ride up on his shoulders everywhere we went.  I always thought he was so strong and tall and perfect.  Like he could do no wrong."  Her eyes fluttered closed as her mind went back again to that night; the night her illusions had been shattered and she'd realised that her father was just a man after all.  A fallible human being capable of making mistakes just like anyone else. 

Olivia sighed and gracefully dropped down to Natalia's side.  "I guess he did do something wrong eventually though, right?" she said.  Natalia shrugged. 

"Maybe," she allowed.  "Or maybe I...maybe it was me." 

Olivia frowned.  "You?  What do you mean?" 

Natalia looked away, hot tears glittering in her eyes.  "I've been so afraid all my life," she gasped.  "Afraid of being a _disappointment_.  Afraid of letting my family down after they gave up so much to come to this country so I could have a better life.  Afraid of doing or saying something to make everyone realise that I'm not worthy of all that love."  She covered her face with her hands, then felt herself being wrapped up in strong arms. 

"You _are_ ," Olivia whispered fiercely.  "You deserve so much.  You deserve everything good in this world."  Natalia shook her head and tried to pull away, but Olivia stopped her.  "No!" she cried, holding her tighter.  "It's true, Natalia.  You're good.  You're warm.  You're decent.  You're beautiful."  She broke off, pulling back slightly to run her trembling fingers over the lovely face she so adored.  "And I'm not just talking about this," she whispered.  "Natalia...I love you more than anyone I've ever known.  You saved my life." 

Natalia looked away.  Tears hung suspended on her eyelashes.  Olivia longed to lean close and kiss them away, but she held back, waiting to hear what Natalia would say.  "I gave you Nicky's heart," she whispered.  Olivia shook her head. 

"That's not what I meant," she said earnestly.  "You did save me that way.  But you also saved me...with your smile.  With your eyes.  With your stubbornness and your single-mindedness and your loyalty."  She blinked away a few stray tears, then leaned forward to press her lips to Natalia's forehead and, after only a brief hesitation, Natalia crumpled against her, wrapping her arms round her waist and resting her head above her thundering heartbeat. 

"I _am_ stubborn," Natalia murmured.  "You've said it before and I probably tried to deny it, but it's true.  I make decisions and I stick to them, whether they're right or not.  Because I have this idea in my head that perception is reality.  So I do stupid things sometimes.  Like agreeing to marry Frank.  Like raising Rafe alone instead of trying to get help.  And I...I'm proud." 

Olivia nuzzled her hair.  "You have a lot to be proud of," she said, but Natalia shook her head. 

"Stubbornness and pride and fear have stopped me doing a lot of things I should have done," she said.  "Calling my mother and father years ago, for one.  Letting Rafe know his grandparents.  Looking for Nicky when Rafe was still young enough to really be shaped by his father."  She looked up, a tremble entering her voice.  "And loving you," she whispered.  "Most importantly...loving you the way you deserve to be loved." 

Olivia swallowed hard, tears prickling at her eyes.  "Natalia," she began, but the other woman cut her off. 

"I've been so afraid," she murmured, stroking her fingers rhythmically through Olivia's hair.  "Of you, of the future, of what Rafe would think or what people might say.  But I think I've realised...what I've really been afraid of is me.  Of what this means for who I am." 

"And who are you?"  The question left Olivia's lips on a breath, barely audible.  Natalia managed a small smile. 

"I only know one way to answer that," she said, turning her head to look at the warm brown earth of her father's fresh grave.  "I'm Natalia Rivera.  I'm Emilio and Josephine's daughter.  I'm Rafe's mother.  And I'm Olivia Spencer's..." she trailed off, biting her lip.  Olivia took in a quick breath, realising suddenly that she had forgotten to breathe for what felt like minutes. 

"Olivia Spencer's what?" she whispered, her heart in her mouth.  Natalia closed her eyes. 

"Anything and everything she wants me to be," she breathed, then looked away, suddenly shy.  "That is... _if_ she still wants me." 

Time seemed to stop.  Olivia was frozen, listening to the breeze rustling through the trees, the chirp of bird song, the distant hum of traffic.  She was suddenly struck with the awful realisation that she was about to cry.  She swallowed against the lump in her throat, but nothing could stop the inevitable.  She barked out a short, almost hysterical laugh, her hand flying to her mouth as the tears finally spilled onto her cheeks.  "She still wants you," she gasped.  "God, Natalia..." 

Anything else she might have said was smothered by Natalia's lips as she surged forward and kissed her; hungrily, desperately, like she'd been waiting all her life to kiss her like this instead of just two days.  But there was no anger this time, no jealousy, no fire.  This kiss was about none of those things.  It was about love, devotion, tenderness, homecoming.  When it ended Olivia collapsed against the other woman, weeping like a lost child as she clung to her.  Natalia clutched her as close as she could, like a drowning woman clinging on to the last piece of driftwood.  "I love you," she whispered, over and over, almost as if she wasn't fully aware she was saying it.  "I love you so much and I'm so, so sorry."  Her lips roamed over every piece of skin she could reach; her forehead, her cheeks, her eyelids, the bridge of her nose. 

"Don't be sorry," Olivia breathed.  "You don't ever have to be sorry."  Natalia shook her head. 

"I do," she insisted.  "I hurt you.  I hid from you and I used you and I let you believe that my fears were your fault.  You've done nothing but love me, and I haven't lived up to that love.  But I promise you...I _promise_ you...I'm going be better.  From now on, I'm going to give you everything you deserve." 

"But I don't deserve _you_ ," Olivia whispered through the last of her tears, reaching up to wipe at her raw eyes.  Natalia grabbed her hands. 

"You deserve the _best_ ," she said fiercely.  "You know why?  Because _you're_ good.  _You're_ warm.  _You're_ decent.  _You're_ beautiful.  And you saved me too."  She nodded at Olivia's incredulous look.  "You gave me a home.  A family.  You gave me your love.  And you showed me I don't have to be scared all the time." 

Olivia's mind flashed back suddenly to a picnic table what felt like lifetimes ago, and Natalia saying: " _I'm so scared; I'm always scared_."  She'd held her then, not for the first time, but the first time she'd done it with genuine affection.  There was more than affection between them now.  There was family, and love, and a beautiful shared dream of an intertwined life.  She opened her arms and pulled Natalia close again, wishing there was some way she could just crawl inside her and never come out. 

"I love you," she whispered into her ear.  "I don't think I can ever tell you how much."  Natalia let out a small noise that Olivia couldn't quite identify - pleasure, or delight.  Maybe even surrender.  Whatever it was, it made her heart clench.  "But listen," she continued, pulling back a little so she could look into her eyes.  "What you said before...about being someone's daughter, or someone's mother...there's more to you than that.  You're not just an adjunct to other people.  You're your own person, Natalia."  She trailed her fingers through soft dark hair, her heart lifting when the other woman smiled. 

"I know that," she said.  "I think I know that now for the first time in my life.  You know...being a daughter or a mother...those aren't things I chose for myself.  Most of my life I've been content just to accept whatever roles I was given, because it was easy and it was safe.  But being yours..." she trailed off, her eyes shining.  "Your partner, your...your lover."  Her eyes slid closed.  Olivia found herself transfixed by the thundering pulse visibly fluttering in her throat.  "That's something I choose for myself," Natalia whispered at last.  "I choose you." 

Olivia swallowed hard.  "I choose you too."  Natalia opened her eyes and smiled, that rare, beautiful, beatific smile that always made Olivia's stomach drop through the floor.  She leaned forward, sealing the promise with a soft, tender kiss. 

They held each other for long moments, silent save for the occasional soft sigh.  "There's just one problem," Olivia said eventually.  Natalia pulled back, frowning. 

"What?" 

Olivia grimaced.  "Oh God, I can't believe I'm saying this," she muttered, rubbing her forehead as if against a sudden headache.  "We're in a bubble here, Natalia."  She shrugged helplessly.  "Just you and me and the headstones.  No one looking or judging or whispering."  Her voice softened.  "If I can have your love, and our home, and our family...I can accept anything."  She took Natalia's hands.  "But I need something from you." 

"Anything," Natalia replied firmly.  "Anything." 

Olivia's eyes misted over.  "I need you to say all of this again, just one more time," she said softly.  "Not in Chicago.  In Springfield.  I need you to mean all this, when we're back in our everyday world, with nosy neighbours and gossips and people watching our every move.  I need..."  She trailed off, looking down at their joined hands. 

"You need the grand gesture," Natalia finished for her, with a small smile.  Gently she reached up and nudged Olivia's chin until their eyes met.  "I can do that." 

Hope and fear fought frantically for dominance in Olivia's eyes.  Natalia tried not to think of all the times she'd allowed Olivia to hope before, only to disappoint her.  This would be different.  She'd make sure of it.  "I'd really like to kiss you now," Natalia whispered.  "But I think I'll save it for when we go home.  When I can have all of you and you can have all of me." 

Olivia nodded.  "Okay," she said. 

A car honked loudly somewhere in the distance, making them both jump.  They looked around blearily, as if surprised to discover that there was still a world around them and that it was going on about its business.  "Wow," Natalia murmured, then laughed a little.  "What is it with us and intense graveside conversations?" 

Olivia barked with laughter.  "Don't ask me," she replied.  Natalia smiled, showing her teeth and her dimples. 

"Take me back to my mom's, would you?" she said.  "I'm going to get my suitcase and my son and go home." 

Olivia nodded.  "All right."  She struggled to her feet with a little groan.  "Ow...my foot's asleep.  Ugh, I'm getting old." 

Natalia giggled a little as she watched the other woman hop around, trying to regain sensation.  Then her eyes turned to the fresh grave before her and the smile faded from her lips.  She reached out a hand and laid it on the cool, damp earth. 

"Goodbye daddy," she whispered.  "I'm sorry we lost each other.  I'm sorry you didn't talk to me and I'm sorry I didn't believe in you.  I'm sorry you never knew your grandson.  I love you. And I'm sorry I let fear stand in the way of that love for so many years."  She clenched her eyes shut.  "I will _never_ make that mistake again," she vowed, and then felt a warm hand closing on her shoulder.  She looked up into Olivia's gently smiling face and felt her whole being flood with love. 

"You ready?" Olivia said softly. 

Natalia smiled and held out her hand.  Olivia took it and pulled her up onto her feet and into a loose, one armed hug.  They stood together looking down at the grave for long minutes before Natalia nodded. 

"Yes," she said.  "I'm ready.  I'm finally ready." 

* * *

Olivia pulled up outside Natalia's mother's building and let out a breath she'd been holding since they turned onto the street.  "Want me to come up with you?" she asked softly.  Natalia shook her head. 

"I'll be okay," she replied.  "You should go and look at that building you were talking about." 

Olivia shifted in her seat.  "Are you sure?  Your mother sounded a little...angry on the phone earlier." 

Natalia let out a small, rueful laugh.  "I bet," she said darkly. 

"How's she going to react to you leaving?" 

Natalia turned in her seat and reached out to take Olivia's hand.  "She can't stop me," she said firmly.  "I'm coming home and we're going to be together.  She probably won't like it, but that's my decision." 

For a moment Olivia said nothing, choosing instead to concentrate on running her thumb lightly over Natalia's knuckles.  "You're pretty sexy when you're determined," she said at last, and grinned when a dark flush spread up from the other woman's chest. 

"I thought I was sexy when I'm mad?" 

"That too."  She leaned over and kissed her gently, inordinately pleased when Natalia kissed back.  "So I'll see you in Springfield?" 

Natalia nodded.  "Yes," she said with conviction. 

When Natalia finally managed to drag herself onto the sidewalk, she watched Olivia's car until it rounded the corner.  She closed her eyes, easily calling to mind Olivia's face, her eyes, her smile.  Despite the situation she was about to stroll back into upstairs, she felt her heart give a little leap.  This was worth it.  _She_ was worth it.  That thought added a little spring to her steps as she climbed the stairs. 

"I'm back," she called cheerily as she opened the door.  Two pairs of feet answered her call, and then she found herself pinned by two pairs of brown eyes - one sullen; the other angry. 

"Where have you been?" her mother demanded, stepping forward and grabbing her arm.  Natalia gently shook herself free. 

"Church," she said calmly.  "And then I went to daddy's grave." 

"With her?" 

Natalia turned to face the disapproving glare of her son.  "Yes," she said, in a clear, steady voice.  "With Olivia."  He turned away from her with a sneer and made to stalk back to the living room.  "You!  Stop!" she snapped, with a note of steel in her voice he hadn't heard since he was a small child.  He responded to it instinctively, stopping in his tracks.  "Pack your things," she said.  "We're going home today." 

Josephine took a step back but Natalia's attention was focused on Rafe.  "I'm not going anywhere with you," he said belligerently.  Natalia stood up a little straighter. 

"You'll come home with me today," she replied, a harsh note lacing her voice.  "Or so help me I will call the cops and have them drag you back to that halfway house in handcuffs."  Rafe's head snapped up. 

"Ma!" he whined, but she cut him off with a look. 

"Do you understand me, Raphael?" she demanded.  He hesitated for a moment, his jaw clenching and unclenching rhythmically, his eyes narrowed.  Finally, he nodded. 

"Yes," he ground out.  Natalia raised an eyebrow when he made no attempt to move. 

"Well?" she said.  "Don't you have something to do?" 

For a second he looked like he was going to say something else, but in the end he just turned away from her and stomped into the living room.  Natalia sighed, allowing her mask to crack for just a second as she rubbed her forehead.  Then she went into her own bedroom to pack, leaving her mother alone in the hallway. 

She stood for a moment, looking around the baby pink room with its posters and its single bed and its memories.  This was where she'd sat and scribbled her adolescent thoughts into her diary.  This was where she'd had all those sleepovers with Selina, ignoring any and all uncomfortable feelings.  This was where she'd lain, curled into a ball, as she listened to her father and mother talking, the night she'd decided to run away. 

"Running away again?" her mother's voice demanded, as if reading her thoughts. 

Natalia turned sharply, her hand flying to her heart.  "You scared me," she said.  Her mother pushed off the door frame and entered the small room. 

"Well?" she said, as if Natalia hadn't spoken.  "Are you running away again?" 

Natalia crossed over to her chest of drawers and began to remove her clothes from it, packing them - a little haphazardly - into her suitcase.  "No," she replied firmly.  "Just going home." 

Josephine sat on the edge of the bed.  "Going to her, you mean," she said, bitterness dripping from every syllable.  Natalia closed her eyes. 

"Yes," she said softly, her back still to her mother.  "I'm going home, to her."  For a moment she allowed herself to fill with the peace and freedom that simple declaration created.  She breathed deeply and smiled, thinking of all the joy her life with Olivia promised - simple pleasures like holding hands in the car, watching movies cuddled under one blanket, falling asleep in each other's arms.  It wasn't until the harsh wrench of a sob rang out in the silence of the room that her smile faltered, and she turned back to her mother with a stricken look on her face.  "Mom," she said, but Josephine held up her palm to keep her at bay. 

"Such an ungrateful child," Josephine managed to grind out through her tears.  Natalia nearly rolled her eyes.  This again. 

"Ungrateful?  Because I love someone?  Because I can't be the person you want me to be?"  She turned back to her packing, throwing her clothes in now with unnecessary force.  "I am who I am," she continued, as her anger began building up a head of steam.  "I can't change that, and I wouldn't want to even if I could.  Not for you, not for anyone." 

"I'm your mother!" Josephine exclaimed, wrapping her arms round her torso. 

"That doesn't mean you own me!" Natalia snapped back.  She scraped her fingers through her hair, eyes flashing.  "I've spent my whole life trying so hard to be who people wanted me to be.  A good daughter.  A perfect mother.  An obedient wife."  She closed her eyes, thinking of the suffocating life she'd come so close to getting stuck in, remembering the church and the white dress, Frank's earnest face, Olivia's heartbreaking eyes.  She shook her head to clear it.  She was stronger than that now.  So much stronger.  "It's about time I got to be me," she finished, a little of the anger melting away as she looked at her mother, small and silent on the bed. 

"And who are you?" Josephine asked.  Natalia smiled slightly, remembering the answer she'd given to Olivia when she'd asked that same question. 

"All I know," she said softly, "is that for the first time I'm not afraid to find out." 

Josephine seemed to sink even deeper down into herself, her face stricken, and Natalia sighed.  She sat down next to her, not quite touching.  For a long time there was silence, punctuated occasionally by a muffled bump from the living room where Rafe was packing, or a car whizzing by on the street below. 

"I didn't even speak English when we came to this country," Josephine said at last, her voice a little husky from tears and silence.  "Did you know that?"  Natalia shifted a little, confused at the sudden change in the conversation. 

"That must have been hard," she said, a frown creasing her forehead. 

"It was," Josephine allowed.  "But we wanted you to grow up with both languages, so we learned.  We went to classes at the community college."  She rubbed her hand across her stomach, splaying her fingers open and sighing.  "Your father used to practise his English by talking to you," she said.  "Before you were born.  He used to pretend you were saying things back." 

Natalia blinked against sudden tears and looked away.  "Okay," she said, not knowing what else to say. 

"I would take in other people's laundry," Josephine continued, as if Natalia hadn't spoken.  "Your father worked nights.  We worked all the time.  Sometimes we had to go hungry so you could eat." 

Natalia shifted uncomfortably.  "I know what that's like," she said softly.  Josephine looked up. 

"I never wanted you to have that life," she murmured, reaching out to her daughter but stopping before she could touch her.  Her hand hung in the air for a moment, and then Natalia reached up and took it. 

"I know that, mom," she said. 

"I wanted you to have all things that we never had," Josephine continued.  She squeezed Natalia's hand almost painfully, looking up at her with serious, earnest eyes. 

"I know." 

Josephine reached up and cupped Natalia's face, combing her fingers desperately through her hair.  "I never wanted you to be afraid, mi cariño." 

"I know."  Natalia sighed deeply, and closed her eyes.  Her mother's fingers continued to move rhythmically through her hair.  "But I was.  I was afraid all the time.  For as long as I can remember." 

For a moment Josephine made no reply, and then a dam seemed to burst somewhere inside and she melted against her daughter's side, leaning her head on her shoulder.  "I'm sorry," she whispered through the sob rising up in her throat.  "I'm so sorry..." 

Natalia made a decision then, a decision to stamp down on the bitterness and bile still choking up into her throat and demanding to be let out.  A decision to let go of one or two of her preconceptions.  Or misconceptions.  A decision to forgive.  "It's not your fault," she said.  She wrapped her arm round her mother's shoulders.  They began to shake as she squeezed tighter.  "I'm sorry I never gave you the benefit of the doubt.  I'm sorry I always assumed the worst." 

Josephine burrowed closer, like she was the child and Natalia was the mother.  She shuddered softly in her daughter's arms and cried, for her husband, for Natalia, for the years they'd all lost.  "I do love you, Natalia," she whispered fiercely.  "I don't know why I could never seem to say it."  Natalia shook her head. 

"It doesn't matter," she soothed.  "It doesn't matter now."  She leaned her cheek against the top of her mother's head.  "I love you too, mom," she whispered 

They held each other then, for only the second time in nineteen years, but there was no pain edging into the embrace this time.  Natalia stroked her mother's hair as she let the last of the tears come, her eyes closed.  After several long minutes Josephine pulled back, wiping at her eyes. 

"Are you really going to go and live in sin with that woman?" she asked, sounding a little like her old self, but the edge had gone from her voice.  Natalia managed to smile. 

"There won't be any sinning involved," she gently corrected.  "But yes.  We're going to be together.  We're going to be a family." 

Josephine looked away, her eyes resting in the direction of the living room where Rafe could still be heard, throwing his things into his suitcase.  "I don't think your son will accept that," she said. 

"I'll give him time," Natalia replied.  "He'll come around."  She sounded utterly convinced, so convinced that Josephine paused. 

"I don't know if _I_ can accept it," she said at last.  A note of shame crept into her voice, but it was hard to tell whether it was directed at her daughter or herself. 

Natalia took a slow, deep breath, bit her lip.  "That's a pity," she said carefully.  "I would like you to be a part of my life.  Part of my family.  But that family includes Olivia and Emma.  You have to accept them if you want to know me." 

Natalia waited for an endless moment, watching nineteen years worth of emotions pass across her mother's face.  Josephine looked at her and seemed to read the determination in her face.  "I'll try," she whispered eventually.  "I...I don't want to lose you again." 

Natalia smiled softly.  It wasn't exactly a ringing endorsement.  But it was a start. 

* * *

They had been driving for nearly an hour before Rafe finally deigned to speak to Natalia.  He'd practically thrown his bag into the trunk of the car when they left Josephine's apartment.  Natalia and Josephine had exchanged tentative hugs while he glowered at them from the passenger seat.  It had then started to rain quite heavily as they picked their way through the Chicago traffic. 

"Why'd we have to leave today?" Rafe said, his eye trained on the window at the passing scenery.  Natalia set her jaw. 

"Because I was ready to go home," she said. 

He squirmed in his seat.  "But _I_ could have stayed," he argued.  "I barely even got to know her."  Natalia shook her head. 

"I'm your mother," she replied.  "You belong with me." 

Rafe turned to look at her, taking in the set of her jaw, the determination in her profile.  "You're not the mother I thought I knew," he spat, clearly intending to wound.  To his surprise, Natalia laughed. 

"Good!" she exclaimed. 

"Huh?"  Rafe frowned and crossed his arms across his chest. 

"The mother you thought you knew spent her whole life in fear," Natalia said, keeping her eyes trained firmly on the road.  "The mother you thought you knew didn't like herself very much.  The mother you thought you knew was lonely and unhappy."  She looked across at him briefly.  "I seem to remember you saying something about wanting me to be happy." 

Rafe looked away again.  "Yeah," he murmured.  "Just...not like this." 

Natalia turned back to the road.  "You don't get to decide what makes me happy, Rafe," she said softly.  He didn't reply. 

Natalia sighed deeply and looked up at the sky.  The rain began to ease and suddenly the clouds parted to reveal a weak, cold sun.  Natalia couldn't help but laugh.  There, newly formed in the sky and pointing right towards Springfield, was a rainbow. 

_Obviously God's given up being subtle_ , she thought wryly. _Because if that isn't a sign I don't know what is_. 

She thought of Springfield then, of her farmhouse, the Beacon, even Company.  All the familiar sets where the drama of her life had played out over these last few years.  Most of all she thought of Olivia.  Olivia, waiting for her.  Olivia, loving her. 

She pressed down a little harder on the gas pedal. 

* * *

Natalia had to wait three days for Olivia to get back into town. 

The first day, she spent cleaning.  She scrubbed the floors.  She polished the silver.  She washed and rehung all the drapes.  She cleaned until the farmhouse shone and her muscles ached. 

The second day, she spent shopping.  She bought flowers for every room in the house.  She bought candles of all shapes and sizes.  She bought all of Olivia's favourite foods.  And she bought two gifts which she kept in her pockets at all times. 

On the third day, she woke early to the sound of bird song.  For long minutes she languished in bed, slipping in and out of a doze which contained dreams of nothing but smoky green eyes.  It felt like Christmas morning, but not one from her own childhood.  More like one of the Christmas mornings she'd shared with Rafe as he grew up.  This was the excitement of finally being able to give, and to watch joy creeping into the face of a person you loved.  Except Olivia wasn't a child and Natalia wasn't giving a toy.  Olivia was her life, and she was giving her no more and no less than her whole self. 

A loud knocking at the door pulled her out of her warm cocoon and she sighed.  It _was_ time to get up, she supposed.  Tying a robe round herself, she made her way downstairs to answer the door.  Whoever was there was being most insistent. 

"Is Olivia here?" 

Natalia took a step back as she came face to face with a very strange looking Doris Wolfe.  The normally immaculate Mayor looked like she hadn't slept in days - there were dark purple rings under her eyes and her hair had been scraped back into a haphazard ponytail.  Most shockingly of all, the usual tight pencil skirt, heels and blazer were missing.  Instead Doris was clad simply in jeans and a plain white T-shirt.  She hardly looked like herself at all. 

"Is she here?" Doris said again, and there was a hint of desperation in her voice.  Natalia shook her head dumbly. 

"She's still in Chicago," she murmured.  Then, remembering her manners, she motioned for Doris to come into the house.  Doris looked over her shoulder before she did. 

"Oh God," Doris muttered.  She looked like she was on the point of being sick.  Natalia forgot for a moment that she didn't like her very much and stepped forward. 

"What's wrong?" she asked gently, resting her hand on the other woman's shoulder.  Doris swallowed hard. 

"This."  She produced a newspaper from somewhere and threw it down onto the coffee table.  She then threw herself onto the couch and covered her face with her hands, waiting for Natalia to connect the dots. 

_The Springfield Journal_ wasn't the only paper in town, but it was the only one anyone seemed to buy.  Just about everyone in town read it over their morning coffee which meant, Natalia realised as she took in the headline and lead story, that Doris's big secret would be well and truly out, right about...Natalia glanced at the clock...now. 

"Oh," she said softly.  Doris let out a strangled laugh. 

"Thanks for that, Natalia, I know I can always rely on you for insightful commentary."  Natalia rolled her eyes. 

"Oh, pull yourself together," she admonished.  Doris peeked out at her from between her fingers.  Natalia fixed her with her best _Mommy-knows-best_ glare, her hands on her hips.  "It's not the end of the world." 

Doris threw her hands in the air.  "Not the end of the world!" she exploded.  "Need I remind you that I am a public figure?  That I'm the Mayor of this one horse town?  This is...this is..." 

"This is nothing you can't handle," Natalia said firmly.  Doris slowly closed her mouth. 

"Really?"  Her voice was very small and very quiet.  Natalia smiled softly. 

"Yes," she replied, with certainty.  "Now come on.  I'll make you some breakfast." 

Doris read the article as she picked at the French toast Natalia made for her.  "Oh great, they dug _her_ up," she muttered.  "Continued on page four.  Jesus.  Sorry," she added when Natalia coughed and nodded pointedly at the crucifix hanging on the wall.  She closed the newspaper and tossed it across the table.  "So, how do you suggest I handle this?" 

Natalia took a sip of her coffee.  "Address it," she said.  "Call a press conference.  Confirm it." 

Doris just stared at Natalia for a long moment.  "What?" she said at last, in a monotone.  Natalia just smiled. 

"Look, it's already out there," she said, gesturing to the newspaper.  "No-one's going to believe you if you try to deny it.  And they'll just get worse - dig up more and more salacious stories to bombard you with.  _That's_ what'll damage you.  Not the truth." 

A stunned silence was her response.  "Since when were you in favour of coming out?" Doris spluttered eventually.  "I seem to recall you balked at the idea the last time I saw you." 

Natalia flushed, thinking of that day that felt like so long ago, in this very kitchen.  Doris's words had started her on the spiral of self doubt from which she'd only just started to emerge.  She couldn't bring herself to be annoyed about it though.  She was in such a better a place now.  "Things are different now," she said quietly.  Doris raised one eyebrow. 

"So you and Olivia are..." she trailed off, making a complicated hand gesture that could have meant anything. 

"We're together," Natalia said proudly.  She watched Doris carefully, noting the slight disappointment that she covered quickly.  A tiny tendril of jealousy sprouted somewhere in the pit of her stomach.  But then, she could hardly blame Doris for wanting Olivia.  It was hard to conceive of anyone - male or female - who wouldn't. 

"Right.  Congratulations."  She couldn't have sounded less sincere, but Natalia decided to ignore it. 

"So, you know, just write a speech and then just..." she drew a straight line with her finger in the air, "draw a line under it." 

Doris scraped her hands through her hair.  "What am I supposed to say?" she asked, her voice small and slightly tremulous.  A faraway expression crept onto Natalia's face. 

"Tell them that you spent years hiding because you were afraid.  Afraid to be judged or disliked or discriminated against."  She fixed her full attention back on Doris.  "And then tell them that being afraid is no way to live.  Tell them that this is America, and that in America everyone is equal.  Tell them the only thing we have to fear is fear itself.  And tell them that you're going to continue being the best Mayor you can be and that you have faith that the voters of this town are reasonable and intelligent people who know that your sexual orientation has nothing to do with your ability to do your job." 

Doris spent a good ten seconds dragging her jaw up from the floor.  "Do you want a job?" she blurted.  Natalia blushed shyly.  "I'm serious," Doris continued.  "Speech writer?  Campaign manager?  What's Olivia paying you?  I'll pay you more." 

"But if I worked for you I wouldn't get to spend all day every day with the woman I love," Natalia replied sweetly.  Doris simply scoffed as she reached for her cellphone. 

"Yeah, well...when that gets old, give me a call," she said. 

* * *

For the second time in a month Olivia landed at Springfield's tiny domestic airport, but this time Natalia was there to meet her.  She spotted her while she was still going through security and her heart gave a little leap.  Emma rushed ahead and threw herself into her arms. 

"Natalia!" the girl squealed.  "Mom bought a hotel!" 

Olivia sauntered up at a more sedate pace, trundling both her bag and Emma's behind her.  She shrugged.  "It was a bargain," she said.  And then, a little shyly, she added: "And it means we might visit Chicago a little more often." 

A slow smile spread across Natalia's face.  "Well, I'm sure my mom will be glad to hear that," she said.  Olivia beamed and Natalia suddenly felt she might just burst if she didn't kiss her.  So she did, right there in the airport, in front of Emma, and the security guards and the bustling commuters.  When she pulled back Olivia looked slightly dazed and Emma was grinning like mad. 

"I knew it!" she said happily.  "You're girlfriends, just like Selina and Rosie.  This means we can go back to live at home!" 

Emma's excitement seemed to wake Olivia from her stupor.  "We'll have to see about that, Em," she said, at the same time as Natalia said: 

"That'd be nice." 

The two adults blushed and Emma bounced in happiness.  "Take your bag, Em," Natalia said, and then grabbed Olivia's hand as soon as it was free.  They didn't say anything else.  The drive back to town seemed to take no time at all.  Olivia held Natalia's right hand the whole way, cradling it in her lap and staring at the other woman's profile as if she expected her to disappear. 

When they reached the city limits, Natalia sought out Emma's eyes in the rear-view mirror.  "So, I called Jodie's mom today," she ventured casually.  "They've really missed you and they wondered if you'd like to go over for a sleepover tonight.  How about it, honey?  You wanna go and see Jodie?"  Emma's squeal was answer enough.  Natalia smiled and glanced quickly over at Olivia.  "Is that okay with you, mom?" 

Olivia could only nod dumbly.  Natalia directed the car towards Jodie's house and Olivia swallowed hard as she stared at her.  Was she sending Emma for the night for the reason Olivia thought?  Or was this just her being nice to the girl, as usual?  Had she done this deliberately to engineer some alone time? 

The questions were still swimming in her mind as they kissed Emma goodbye and got on the road again.  Natalia glanced at her watch when they reached a crossroad, and then turned left towards town instead of right towards the farmhouse. 

"Where are we going?" Olivia asked.  Her voice was slightly hoarse and she coughed softly to clear it. 

"We have to go and see Doris real quick," Natalia replied enigmatically. 

"Doris?"  Olivia frowned, remembering the trouble Doris had gotten her into the last time she saw her.  "Why are we seeing Doris?" 

"Moral support," Natalia said, and refused to elaborate any further.  She parked just off Main Street and took Olivia's hand again as they walked together. 

The first thing that Olivia noticed was the crowd.  Then she noticed the press - she recognised a reporter from _The Springfield Journal_ , as well as a few from some slightly more down-market papers.  WSPR was there too.  Their camera was set up facing a small, impromptu podium.  A backdrop of the American flag and the Springfield Mayoral seal dominated the scene. 

Just as Olivia was about to ask Natalia what was going on, Doris appeared out of nowhere.  The crowd of people immediately began to buzz a little louder as she climbed up onto the stage, followed by Ashlee who hovered close to her protectively. 

Doris gripped the edges of the lectern until her knuckles turned white.  She seemed to have ditched her usual blazer in favour of what looked like a new one in soft baby blue, just the same colour as her eyes.  Her hair was down, falling in slight waves round her face, and her makeup was a tiny bit more muted than normal.  Olivia knew enough about public relations to realise that this image had been carefully calculated to make her look softer, more feminine, less threatening. 

"Thank you," Doris said at last, after taking a few visible breaths.  "I want to thank you all for coming here on such short notice." 

Olivia glanced at Natalia again.  "What's going on?" she hissed, but Natalia hushed her. 

"Firstly I want you all to know that serving as your Mayor has been the greatest honour and pleasure of my life," Doris said in a clear, level voice.  "Only one title fills me with more pride, and that is being a mother to my wonderful daughter, Ashlee."  She gestured to the blonde at her side who smiled encouragingly.  Doris stood up a little straighter. 

"But I'm here tonight to address something that I should have shared with you all a long time ago.  It concerns the article I'm sure you all read in the illustrious _Springfield Journal_ this morning." 

The crowd began to murmur softly, and Doris waited for the whispers to die down before she continued.  "I have a different recollection of certain events the article mentioned," she said, holding on even more tightly to the lectern.  Her voice seemed calm but Olivia could see the tension rolling through her friend's taut muscles.  "However," she continued, "the substance of the article is true."  Another deep breath.  "I am a lesbian." 

The crowd exploded in excited babble.  A dozen people began to shout questions at once, but Doris simply held up her hands until they quieted and allowed her to continue.  Her eyes scanned the crowd until she found Olivia and Natalia, and she seemed to draw a little strength from their presence.  "I know," she said, "that you must be wondering why I have never disclosed this.  And I can answer you in one word."  She held her head high.  "Fear." 

Olivia raised her hand to her mouth as Doris continued with her speech, all about how poisonous and destructive fear could be, and about the American Dream, and her faith in the voters.  She even quoted FDR.  The crowd were hanging on her every word, drinking it all in.  Olivia turned to whisper something to Natalia. 

Natalia's eyes were trained firmly on Doris.  Her lips were moving.  After a moment of watching her, Olivia realised to her surprise that she was mouthing the words of Doris's speech along with her. 

"And so I will continue to serve as this town's Mayor, to the best of my ability," Doris said at last.  "And I will have faith - in my family," she nodded to Ashlee, "and in myself.  And most of all in you, the good people of Springfield.  It is my privilege to represent you.  Thank you for your time." 

She stepped back from the lectern just as the cameras began to flash.  For a moment there was nothing but stunned silence and then, from somewhere to their left, someone began to clap.  Olivia's head snapped round to see Blake Marler standing on a bench, a deeply earnest expression on her face, applauding with all her might.  Natalia quickly joined her, and then there was no stopping it.  Soon you could count the number of people not clapping on the fingers of one hand. 

Olivia joined in, beaming wildly at her friend who was standing slightly back from the lectern with tears streaming down her face.  Ashlee wrapped an arm round her shoulders and dropped a soft kiss onto her cheek.  Olivia thought she saw her whisper something into her ear.  Whatever it was it caused yet more tears, but a smile as well.  Doris waved at the crowd one last time, and allowed her daughter and her staff to lead her away. 

"Oh my God!"  Olivia turned to Natalia and grabbed her shoulders.  "You knew about this, right?" 

Natalia smiled happily.  "Yeah, I saw her this morning," she explained. 

"And you helped her?" 

Natalia shrugged.  "Yeah, I guess I did," she said bashfully.  Olivia laughed a surprised and delighted laugh. 

"Why?  I mean...you don't like her." 

Natalia reached out and took Olivia's hand.  "I know what living in fear is like," she said, slowly and seriously.  "We've lived similar lives, she and I.  The only difference is that I've spent all this time hiding from myself.  She's just been hiding from everyone else."  She held her head high.  "None of us should have to hide." 

Olivia's mouth hung open.  _None of us_ , Natalia had said.  Not _neither of us_.  She wasn't just talking about her and Doris.  She was talking about a wider group, claiming a larger identity.  "Kiss me," Olivia said breathlessly. 

Natalia didn't need a second invitation.  She wrapped her arms round Olivia's neck, pulling her close.  And then, in front of half the town, she claimed her lips in an unambiguously passionate kiss that Olivia felt all the way down to her toes.  No-one could mistake what this kiss meant.  No-one could explain it away as anything other than what it was - an expression of love between two people who belonged to each other. 

Olivia's eyes were glazed over when the kiss finally ended.  "Oh..." she murmured, stroking Natalia's hair back from her face.  "I love you." 

"I love you too."  Natalia's eyes glistened.  She kissed her again, softly and sweetly.  "Come home with me..."  And Olivia forgot every word in the English language but one. 

"Yes." 

* * *

Olivia was still in a daze when they got back to the farmhouse.  Everything felt vaguely unreal - Natalia, the world, herself...especially herself. 

She was Olivia Spencer.  She wasn't supposed to get the happy ending.  She was the troll under the bridge, not the princess.  She was too damaged, too soiled to be anyone's princess.  Her forehead knit itself into a frown as Natalia fumbled with the key. 

"Are you sure about this?" she began, but Natalia silenced her with a kiss as she pulled her across the threshold by her shirt. 

"I love you," Natalia breathed, wrapping her arms round Olivia's waist as she claimed her lips again and again in hot, bruising kisses designed to chase all doubts from the other woman's mind.  "And I've never been more sure of anything in my life." 

Olivia buried her fingers in Natalia's hair as they kissed, allowing the pounding of her heart and the roaring in her ears to drown out her questions.  For a moment or two.  But then she pulled back, breathing hard, and there was a hint of pain in her eyes. 

"I don't want it to be like last time," she murmured.  "I'd rather wait...if there's the slightest little shred of doubt, I'd rather wait." She managed a small, tremulous smile.  "It's not like we haven't waited before." 

Natalia took a step back and bit her lip.  "I'm sorry," she whispered.  Olivia looked away, blinking hard. 

"I understand."  Her voice was soft and muted and all the colour seemed to have been sucked out of it.  "I understand, I...I should go." 

She turned away and managed two steps towards the door before Natalia's hand closed round her wrist and stopped her in her tracks.  "That's not what I meant," Natalia said softly.  Olivia glanced up at her though hooded eyes.  "I meant that I'm sorry I screwed up so badly last time that you don't trust me this time." 

"I trust you," Olivia replied in a rush.  She took a step forward and quickly pulled Natalia back into her arms, where she belonged.  "It's me I don't trust." 

Natalia was silent for a beat.  "What does that mean?" she said at last, in a tone Olivia couldn't quite identify.  She shrugged. 

"What happened before," she murmured, stroking Natalia's hair back from her face, "that was my fault."  She smiled sadly and Natalia shook her head. 

"H-how could it possibly be your fault?" she whispered hesitantly.  After all, _she_ was the one who'd barged into Olivia's hotel room with a chip on her shoulder, _she_ was the one who had kissed her like she was trying to kill her, _she_ was the one who'd lost control and forced them into going too far.  It had all been her.  How could Olivia think any of it was her fault? 

"You said it yourself," Olivia said sadly.  "You've never...acted that way before.  That's not you.  So it must have been me."  She shrugged.  "It must have been my fault that it was all wrong." 

Natalia stepped back, horror-struck, and took in the pain and regret shining in the other woman's eyes.  How absolutely selfish she had been.  Again.  So hung up on how that afternoon in the hotel room had made _her_ feel, and she'd never once stopped to wonder how Olivia had felt about it.  She'd never so much as suspected that Olivia had felt just as wrong and dirty as she had herself.  The difference was that those feelings hadn't come from within Olivia, from a dark place of shame and repression and guilt.  They had come from Natalia herself - from her reaction, her fear. 

"Oh my God," Natalia murmured, holding herself round the middle.  "I'm so sorry." 

Olivia's brow creased in a frown.  "Natalia, what?" she began, but then the air was knocked out of her lungs as Natalia wrapped herself around her, kissing her desperately, smoothing her hair back from her face. 

"I'm sorry," Natalia gasped between kisses.  "I've treated you so badly.  My sweet, beautiful, perfect Olivia."  She squeezed her tighter, moulding their curves together like even the few millimetres of air remaining between them were too much to tolerate.  "I love you so much.  I can't believe I let you think..."  She trailed off, swallowing back tears. 

"Natalia..." Olivia breathed, taken aback by the strength of the other woman's reaction.  "It's okay..." 

But Natalia shook her head.  "It's not okay," she insisted.  "I let you think..oh God, I let you think it was _you_.  And it wasn't you, it was _me_.  It was all me.  You've been nothing but good, and strong, and steadfast.  I'm the one who's been running away." 

"It's all right," Olivia soothed, but Natalia cut her off again. 

"It's not all right," she whispered fiercely.  "I _hurt_ you.  That's never all right."  She stepped back and her face cleared.  "Come with me," she said.  "I need to show you something." 

Dumbly, Olivia followed Natalia to the stairs and from there to her bedroom.  There were flowers here, and candles waiting to be lit.  Olivia watched as Natalia busied herself with that task, touching a match to each wick with as much reverence as if she were lighting a candle in church.  "Oh... Olivia gasped, her hand flying to her mouth as she took in the sight of Natalia bathed in candlelight.  It was just like she'd wished for and dreamed of and ached for.  Natalia, in candlelight, with flowers all around her. 

"Sit down," Natalia murmured, gesturing towards the bed.  Olivia did so in a daze.  There was no question of saying no.  There was nothing that Natalia could have asked of her in that moment that she wouldn't have given happily. 

Natalia blew out the last match and turned her liquid brown eyes onto the woman on the bed.  "I want to show you something," she said softly, and nodded towards the night stand.  "In the drawer."  Olivia frowned as she followed Natalia's gaze.  "Go on," Natalia continued, and took a step forward.  "Please." 

Dragging her eyes from Natalia's face with an effort, Olivia leaned over and slid the drawer open.  She wasn't sure what she'd expected to find inside, but she was surprised to find books.  She was even more surprised to discover the subject of said books. 

She pulled them out onto the bed and stared at them.  Some of them purported to be instructional, but most were just bare-faced erotica, of the kind that even Blake Marler would blush to publish.  "I wondered where you learned all that," Olivia admitted, and Natalia looked away. 

"I didn't understand what I wanted," she admitted.  "I was so overwhelmed...so overrun with all these feelings you stirred up in me, and I just needed...I don't know." 

"Something to copy?" Olivia ventured.  Natalia nodded. 

"Yes," she said.  "Exactly.  That's why...I think that's why it happened the way it did before.  I just...had no frame of reference for what we were doing.  So I fell back on those..."  She gestured towards the books on the bed and blushed.  Gently, Olivia took her hands in hers. 

"I don't want some character from a book," she said softly.  "I don't need someone who knows all the tricks.  I don't need someone worldly who's been around."  She brought their joined hands to her lips and kissed them.  "I just want you." 

Natalia swallowed.  "I want you too." 

Olivia's eyes sought out hers and suddenly the air between them was thick and buzzing, crackling with electricity.  Olivia stood and took one step forward so she was toe to toe with Natalia, breathing her air.  "I love you so much," she murmured.  Reverently, she trailed her trembling fingers across the planes of her face, then continued further down, leaving a path of goose flesh down her arms before she clasped her hands.  "Huh?" she said, frowning as she looked down.  How had she not noticed that before? 

There, on the fourth finger of Natalia's left hand, was a ring. 

"I was wondering when you would spot it," Natalia murmured, smiling.  Olivia pulled her hand up to inspect it, her eyes widening. 

"Is this-" she gasped, but couldn't finish the sentence.  She knew it wasn't the wedding ring she'd been given by Gus.  Neither was it Frank's engagement ring.  This was something new, and much less flashy than either of those rings.  It was just a plain band of white gold.  Simple, yet elegant.  Understated, yet beautiful. 

"I don't expect anything," Natalia said slowly, carefully.  "You don't have to...well, you don't have to do anything.  Not if you don't want to.  But I...I just wanted to wear something.  To show that I'm yours." 

For a moment Olivia couldn't speak, and then a sob rose up up in her throat.  "Oh my God," she gasped.  "Natalia-" 

"Sssh," Natalia soothed, pulling her close and kissing her trembling lips.  "It's okay.  I don't expect-" 

"I want one just like it," Olivia interrupted.  " _Just_ like it." 

Natalia smiled tremulously.  "That can be arranged," she said, and produced the ring box she'd been carrying around with her for nearly two days.  Olivia gasped. 

"You...you did this for me?" 

Natalia nodded.  "I did this for you," she confirmed.  "To show you I'm done running.  I'm done being afraid.  From now on, I want everything to be about us.  I want to be with you.  I want to be with you for the rest of my life." 

It was a vow as good as any she could have said in City Hall or in a church.  Olivia made no reply.  She couldn't have made herself speak even if she'd had the words.  Instead she simply proffered her left hand and held her breath as Natalia slipped the ring onto her finger.  It was a perfect fit. 

The stared at each other for long minutes, feeling the weight of what they'd just done settling over them like a blanket.  All at once Olivia could see the rest of their lives stretching out from this moment - raising Emma, snuggling on the sofa, kissing at New Year.  Loving each other. 

They came together without conscious thought, Natalia's head tilting up at exactly the moment that Olivia's bent down to meet it.  The kiss was long and deep and slow, a promise rather than a firecracker.  And then it changed and Olivia found herself being pushed backwards onto the bed.  Her knees hit the mattress and she was forced to release Natalia's lips as she sat down. 

"It won't be like before," Natalia whispered, stroking her fingers through Olivia's hair.  "This time it'll be right.  This time it'll be perfect." 

Olivia nodded.  How could it be anything else?  They had the candles, the flowers, the romance.  And they had each other.  Above all, they had each other. 

Moments passed in a daze as Natalia stood back and undressed for her.  How strange to think that they had been inside each other but hadn't shared this kind of intimacy.  This vulnerability.  Olivia didn't fully realise what they'd been missing until they were lying naked together on the bed and Natalia was pressing herself against her.  "Oh..." she moaned as their bodies fit together and Natalia claimed her lips in a slow, sweet kiss. 

"I love you," Natalia whispered, pressing a kiss to her forehead, her lips, her heart.  She followed the thunder of her lover's pulse from her heart to her throat, each kiss a burning vow on Olivia's overheated skin.  She wrapped herself around Olivia, her arms round her shoulders, their legs tangled together, kissing every piece of skin she could reach as if she was trying to baptise her new lover in kisses to mark this rebirth, this new life together.  Perhaps that was exactly what she was trying to do. 

"You're so beautiful," she murmured.  "Thank God for you, Olivia, thank God, thank God..." 

Olivia opened her mouth to speak, to ask what God had to do with this, but only a breath came out.  Natalia had moved lower and now she was bestowing the benediction of her lips onto Olivia's heaving chest.  Olivia forgot her question. 

"I want you," Natalia whispered, letting her hands join her mouth in worshipping Olivia's body. 

"You've got me," Olivia replied in a strangled cry as Natalia slid easily inside her, like she'd done it a million times before.  "Forever, Natalia...you've got me." 

Natalia raised up and tangled her lips together with Olivia's hungrily.  She settled her hips into a steady rhythm, allowing them to propel her hand forward.  Olivia clenched around her and moaned her name into the still air of the bedroom. 

It was a perfect moment.  Their eyes locked as Olivia hung suspended in time, just as their bodies were joined, like two perfect puzzle pieces finally placed together by some omniscient hand.  Natalia's eyes were bright, shining with unshed tears.  Olivia gasped.  "I love you so much," Natalia whispered, and then she was lost - body, mind and soul crashing together and rising up to meet Natalia who kissed her and stroked her and rode the wave out with her until she was still and quiet, tears streaming down her face as she realised what had just happened. 

That wasn't sex.  She knew what just sex with Natalia was like and that wasn't it.  It wasn't making love either, at least not in any way she'd understood it before.  It was deeper than that somehow.  She felt changed, altered, transformed...like if anyone ever asked her in the future _Who are you?_ she would have no answer to give except: _I'm Natalia's_.  She felt claimed.  Possessed.  And yet, oddly, freer than she'd ever felt in her life.  This was _life_ , she thought fiercely, this was the future, this was- 

"Beautiful," Natalia murmured, unconsciously completing Olivia's thought.  She buried her face in Olivia's neck, breathing her deep.  "That was beautiful." 

Olivia held her lover close, cradling her against her body, and closed her eyes. 

_Finally_ , she thought, with a sigh of pure contentment. 

There would be time for reciprocation later.  For now they were both content to simply lie together, warm and safe, sure in the knowledge that _at last_ they were exactly where they belonged. 

* * *

It was very rare indeed for Olivia to be awake before Natalia.  Everyone knew Natalia was a morning person while Olivia was a night owl.  Back when she'd lived at the farmhouse, Olivia had often woken at the last possible minute, only to find that Natalia had been up for hours cooking breakfast or cleaning or baking bread.  It was a given, like a simple universal constant.  Natalia would wake up before Olivia. 

Not this morning.  This morning the sun rose on two women; one sleeping and one wakeful, and the wakeful one was wrapped around the sleeper as tightly as she could manage.  Olivia breathed deeply and slowly, timing each rise and fall of her chest to synchronise with her lover's.  She barely blinked.  Her eyes rested on Natalia's face, relaxed and peaceful in her much deserved sleep.  Olivia herself had not slept.  At first she'd been too wired, too full of nervous excitement to even think about closing her eyes.  Then, after hours of slow, gentle lovemaking, that had slowly ebbed away to be replaced by a bone deep contentment that strangely chased the need for sleep.  She sighed, watching her breath travel across Natalia's cheek, raising the tiny, almost invisible hairs that dusted it. 

Revelation.  That was the only word to describe what had happened between them.  A new heaven and a new Earth.  The world had changed, or...no...that wasn't true.  Olivia had changed.  Loving Natalia had torn her down to her foundations but last night Natalia had rebuilt her, piece by piece, with her hands and her eyes and her whispered devotions, and with all that remained unspoken in the vocabulary and grammar of their bodies' silent language. 

Natalia stirred in her arms, burrowing closer to her heart.  "Morning," she murmured, and pressed her lips to the thin scar bisecting her lover's chest. 

"Morning," Olivia replied.  Natalia raised up to claim her lips, and then there was no more talking until the sun had risen high in the sky. 

"We should eat," Natalia said, much, much later as she lay in Olivia's arms, tracing patterns on her stomach. 

"Hmm."  Olivia seemed to consider the idea.  "Can't we just stay here forever?"  There was a laugh in her voice, but something wistful too.  She didn't particularly want to leave the bubble of the bedroom, the farmhouse, the moment.  The world was still out there, and it was still cruel.  Natalia tightened her hold on her lover's waist. 

"Everything's fine," she whispered, answering the unspoken question.  "We're together.  We don't need anything else." 

Olivia nodded.  "Right," she confirmed, and the quiet determination in Natalia's voice felt like the last piece of her life's puzzle clicking into place deep inside her. 

"Come on," Natalia urged, pulling away.  "Food.  I have to go see Rafe today." 

Olivia's ears perked up at the mention of Natalia's son.  "Does he...uh...does he know?  About...well..." 

"About us?"  Natalia looked over her shoulder as she wrapped herself in a robe.  "Yeah, he does."  Olivia swallowed hard. 

"Is he okay with it?" 

Natalia pursed her lips.  "Let's talk about that later," she said diplomatically.  That was all the answer Olivia needed. 

"I'm going to take a shower," she said.  "I'll be right down." 

Natalia decided not to protest but, knowing that Olivia would probably let a few doubts seep back in while they were separated, she made sure she took the second of Olivia's gifts downstairs with her. 

Olivia strolled into the kitchen twenty minutes later dressed in jeans and a tank top, rubbing her hair with a towel.  "Listen, sweetheart, about Rafe-" she began, but Natalia hushed her with a kiss. 

"Sit," she instructed firmly.  "And open your present."  She gestured to the box resting on top of Olivia's plate.  Olivia raised an eyebrow. 

"Another present?"  She twisted the ring on her finger, allowing a smile to ghost over her lips.  Natalia kissed her briefly before returning to the stove. 

"Another present," she confirmed, and smiled.  "Go on.  Open it." 

Olivia slid into the chair and took up the box with slightly trembling hands.  Could this be more jewellery, she wondered.  What could Natalia possibly want to give her that she hadn't already?  She pulled the ribbon away and opened the box. 

It was a key. 

Olivia's hand flew to her mouth.  A soft "oh..." escaped her lips and Natalia turned, smiling down at her dumb-struck lover. 

"I know you already have one," she explained gently.  "But I thought this might be...symbolic."  She crossed the room and took the key, holding it up to the light.  "See?  It's engraved."  Olivia squinted, and finally made out the gently flowing _Olivia_ scratched into the metal. 

"Does this mean..." she said softly, trailing off when she couldn't find the words.  Natalia smiled. 

"It means I want you to move in," she said simply.  "You and Emma.  Today, tomorrow...as soon as possible." 

Olivia looked down.  "What about Rafe?" she asked.  Natalia stood up a little straighter. 

"Rafe won't be a problem," she said firmly.  Unspoken was the addendum _I won't let him_ , but Olivia heard it anyway.  She smiled tremulously. 

"Really?"  Natalia nodded. 

"Really."  She reached out and pushed a strand of damp hair behind her lover's ear.  Olivia leaned into the touch. 

"But what if he can't deal with it?" she asked softly. 

Natalia sat down and pulled her chair closer to Olivia's.  Taking both her hands, she stared into her eyes.  "I know my son," she said gently, but firmly.  "He's confused right now, but he wants me to be happy.  I know he does.  He's going to understand.  I will _make him_ understand.  I promise."  Her eyebrows raised.  "Do you trust me?" 

"I trust you," Olivia answered immediately.  Natalia smiled.  "But what if things don't...work?"  Olivia cringed as she spoke, hardly able to believe the words were coming out of her mouth.  But she couldn't help it.  Every past experience, every instinct, every failed relationship she'd ever had told her that this was too good to be true.  There was a brick out there somewhere just waiting to hit her in the head.  There had to be.  "Maybe...I don't know, maybe we should wait?" 

Natalia didn't speak as she laced the fingers of her left hand with Olivia's.  A stray beam of light glinted off their rings.  "Olivia," she began seriously.  "I belong to you.  You belong to me.  We've already shared everything that's important.  There's nothing to be afraid of, and I am so _done_ with waiting.  That's all we've been doing is _waiting,_ from the first second we explained to each other how we feel.  First you tried to push me away and then I had to leave town and then I had to work through all these issues...and you know, what I realised is that I've been waiting my whole life to deal with them.  Waiting officially _sucks_.  And I don't want to wait one more minute for our life to start.  _This_ is what I want.  _This_ love, _this_ home, _this_ family.  Do you understand?" 

When she replied, Olivia's voice was shaky.  "Yes." 

"So, you'll move back in."  It wasn't a question, but Olivia answered anyway 

"I'll call the movers today." 

Natalia beamed, lighting up the whole room with her smile.  Olivia couldn't help but smile back.  After all, Natalia was right.  There was nothing to be afraid of.  Not now; not ever again. 

* * *

The halfway house really wasn't so bad - not compared to jail anyway.  Rafe had his own room which locked from the _inside_.  He was allowed to go out - with a pass - almost whenever he liked.  There were work programmes, and educational opportunities. 

He hadn't been appreciating it much over the last few days though.  He'd been preoccupied; thinking about his mother and the bombshell she'd dropped on him. 

Gay.  His mother was _gay_.  He turned the word over and over in his head, examining it from every angle.  Gay.  And for Olivia, of all people. 

Olivia.  The woman who'd tried to destroy his family, who'd stolen their house and their plans for the future and Gus's heart and now - apparently - his mother's love.  It wasn't fair.  Why did she always get everything? 

"Rivera!"  Rafe snapped his head up at the sound of his name.  "Visitor for you." 

He looked behind the man who'd called him and saw his mother waiting behind him, dressed formally in dark pants and a jacket, like she was on her way to work.  His heart lifted for a brief moment, but just as quickly he quashed the feeling.  Sullenly, he sloped over to the communal dining tables and slumped into a chair.  His mother smiled at him as she slid into the seat opposite. 

"How are you?" she asked cheerily.  Rafe shrugged.  She tried again.  "Is everything going okay since you got back?"  Another shrug.  She sighed deeply.  Well, if that was they way he wanted it to be... 

"I just came to tell you," she said quietly, "that Olivia and Emma are moving back home." 

Slowly he raised his eyes to meet hers.  "What?"  There was no expression in his voice.  Natalia smiled. 

"Olivia and Emma are moving back home," she repeated clearly.  Rafe shook his head. 

"Home?  What the hell are you talking about, Ma?  It's _our_ home, not hers!" 

"Oh, Rafe..."  Natalia shook her head and sighed.  "It's her home too-" 

"No!" Rafe interrupted explosively.  "It's supposed to be for _us_.  You and me, like it always was before."  He slammed his hand down on the table, and Natalia suddenly saw a three year old throwing a tantrum in the grocery store, demanding candy.  Before his diagnosis, she'd always given in to demands like that - keep him quiet, show him he's loved, those were her mantras in those days. 

"It's Olivia's home," Natalia insisted calmly, "because it's _my_ home and I've invited her to share it." 

Rafe threw himself back in his chair.  "It's not _fair_ ," he whined.  For a moment he wasn't sure what else to say, but then inspiration struck.  "You should have asked me before you did this." 

One of Natalia's eyebrows shot into her hairline.  "Asked you?"  Her voice lowered dangerously.  "You think I need your permission?" 

"Yes!" he replied instinctively, then quickly shook his head.  "I mean no...I mean....I just mean that this affects me too.  Don't I get a say?  We've always made decisions together before."  He rubbed his face with his hands, and Natalia felt a little pang of regret for the pain and confusion this was obviously causing him. 

"Oh Rafe...you're nearly an adult," she murmured, reaching over to take his hand.  "And you're not just my son; you've been my best friend for half my life." 

"Exactly!" Rafe exclaimed, gripping his mother's hand almost painfully.  She motioned for him to let her continue. 

"I think that might be the problem." 

For a moment, Rafe made no reply.  "Huh?"  His brow crinkled in confusion and Natalia bit her lip. 

"Since the day you were born," she began, slowly, hesitantly,  "I've lived for you."  She thought for a moment.  "Since before you were born, actually."  Rafe squirmed in his seat at the uncomfortable reminder of the lengths his mother had gone to all those years ago to protect him, even while he was still in the womb.  He'd been thinking about that a lot lately - morbid thoughts, but he couldn't stop them.  How much easier it would have been for his mother just to have the abortion she'd heard her parents talking about.  Then there would be no Rafe Rivera at all.  Just like his own child with Daisy, who he still thought of sometimes, that never got a chance to live. 

"I know," he said softly.  Natalia squeezed his hand. 

"I love you," she said firmly.  "But I should never have let you be the only thing in my life.  It wasn't fair...not to you, and not to me.  I think...I don't know, I think I've given you a screwed up view of the world where you're just at the centre of everything."  Rafe opened his mouth to protest, but Natalia just raised her voice and drowned him out.  "I've tried so, so hard to be everything you need.  I've tried to be mother and father and friend and sibling to you - all at the same time.  But it doesn't work like that." 

"You _are_ all I need, ma," he whispered fiercely.  In that moment, he even believed it himself.  Natalia shook her head sadly. 

"That's not true, Rafe," she said.  "You need more than me."  She took a deep breath.  "And I need more than you." 

There it was, living in the air, the crux of the issue.  Rafe pulled his hand from his mother's as if he'd been burned.  "You're talking about _her_ ," he spat.  "Why?  Why _her_?" 

"Because I love her," Natalia answered simply.  Rafe shook his head. 

"No!" he insisted.  "You don't!  Not that way, ma!" 

Natalia's spine straightened and her voice dropped.  "Don't tell me how I feel," she said, quietly but clearly.  Her voice cut through his frustration, forcing him to pay attention to her. 

"She took advantage of you," he muttered, but it was half-hearted.  Some of the fight seemed to have gone out of him.  Natalia smiled at him and shook her head. 

"You're wrong," she said.  "I didn't know who I was before.  And now I do."  She took a deep breath, gathering her thoughts.  "You probably think she has a reputation," she said.  "And I don't know, maybe she does.  She has a strong personality, but that's what I love about her.  She makes me feel better about myself."  He flinched, remembering her speech in the car about how the mother he thought he knew didn't like herself very much.  She reached for him as she continued.  "When I'm with her it feels right.  And I need her." 

For a long moment he stared at the table, unable to speak.  Her left hand was lying flat on the surface of the table and his eyes were fixed on the thin band of white gold encircling her ring finger.  "This is so weird," he muttered at last, and closed his eyes.  He heard his mother stand and come round the table to hover over him. 

"It's not weird, Rafe," she said firmly.  "It's love."  She leaned down to kiss him on the forehead and he let her.  Her spirits lifted.  That was something, at least.  In Chicago he'd yelled out _Don't touch me!_ when she'd first tried to talk about this.  This was progress, of a limited kind.  "I'll come back and talk to you some more tomorrow," she said. 

Opening his eyes, Rafe watched her go.  His thoughts swirled like a tornado in his head, slamming together and crackling, refusing to be pinned down.  His mom looked at him over her shoulder as she left and smiled.  She looked happy.  He'd said that was all he wanted, hadn't he? 

With a sigh, Rafe dragged himself to his feet and headed back to his room.  This was too much for him to deal with right now.  He couldn't think about it anymore.  Not today. 

But tomorrow.  Tomorrow was another day. 

* * *

The movers were booked solid for a week, Olivia found when she called them.  Unwilling to wait that long, she enlisted Emma the minute she got back from school and started packing all the things they would need urgently. 

"Are we going on vacation again, mom?" Emma asked hesitantly.  Going to Chicago had been fun, but she'd already missed a lot of school.  Jodie had overtaken her on the teacher's merit chart, and she was sure Cornelius the class hamster had forgotten her. 

Olivia beamed at her daughter.  "Nope," she said, almost bubbling over with excitement.  "We're going home." 

Emma's eyes widened.  "Home?  You mean...to the farmhouse?" 

"Uh huh."  Olivia nodded, and then had to brace herself as she was nearly bowled over by four feet of excited nine year old. 

"I knew it!" she exclaimed, and scampered off to pack her things.  Olivia smiled.  Now that she thought of it, Emma had known she and Natalia belonged together before they did.  Crossing to her bedside cabinet, she made sure to pack her printout of Emma's _My Two Mommies_ presentation.  Maybe she and Natalia could read over it in bed. 

Olivia sent Emma upstairs to unpack her stuff when they got back to the farmhouse.  Then, leaving her own suitcases and boxes in the living room, she headed through to the kitchen to start dinner.  Something simple, she thought.  She and Natalia didn't need anything fancy to be romantic.  They never had. 

She'd barely even begun when a loud knocking erupted from the living room.  Frowning, she headed to the front door to answer it. 

"Doris!" she said in surprise when she saw who was waiting on the other side of the door.  "Blake!  What are you guys doing here..."  She trailed off, suddenly spotting the angry purple bruise forming on Doris's left temple.  Surprise turned to concern in an instant.  "What happened?"  Blake slipped a comforting arm around the Mayor's shoulders and sighed as she turned to Olivia. 

"I think our Mayor is experiencing a little bit of backlash." 

* * *

Natalia waited until she was a good three miles from the halfway house before she pulled over, too shaky to drive.  Where the strength to stand up to Rafe like that had come from she wasn't sure.  But...no, that wasn't true.  It had come from inside her.  From the bottom of a well she'd only recently discovered - a well of calm, and confidence, and self-respect. 

She was still getting used to it though.  The adrenaline from her encounter with Rafe had begun to ebb now, leaving her pale and slightly overwrought.  With slightly trembling fingers, she pulled out her cellphone and scrolled through the contacts. 

"Hi, it's me - Natalia," she said when the call connected.  The voice on the other end of the line was warm and excited. 

" _Hey you_ ," Selina said.  " _Long time no hear.  Are you still in Chicago?_ " 

Natalia flinched slightly.  She hadn't even said goodbye to Selina before she left.  She'd been...preoccupied. 

"No, I'm at home in Springfield," she replied.  "Sorry I didn't see you before I left.  Uhm...I was kind of on a mission." 

Natalia could practically see Selina's ears perking up.  " _Do tell_ ," she purred.  Natalia grinned, feeling herself begin to calm and settle again. 

"I, uh...had to get my girl," she said, and laughed when Selina whopped down the phone. 

" _Nice!_ " she exclaimed.  " _And things are good?_ " 

Natalia held out her left hand, examining the new ring on her finger.  "Yup," she said happily.  "I got her a ring.  And she's moving in." 

Selina couldn't help but let out a wry chuckle.  " _Oh Natalia,_ " she murmured affectionately.  " _U-Hauling already?  You are **so** gay._ " 

"I am," Natalia replied instantly.  "I am very, very _happy_." 

They talked for a few minutes more before Natalia extracted a promise from her friend to visit sometime soon.  Then she put her phone away and continued on her way home, feeling much more able to face Olivia's inevitable questions about Rafe. 

However, when she got home she found that they had bigger fish to fry. 

"What happened?" she asked as soon as she walked into the kitchen to find Olivia and Blake crowded round Doris, who was holding an ice pack to her head and scowling. 

"Christians," Doris replied bitterly. "I'm sure you'll see it on the evening news. The Springfield Evangelical Church is picketing City Hall to demand my resignation." 

Natalia's fingers grazed delicately over Doris's injured face as she inspected the damage.  The Mayor winced in pain and averted her eyes from Natalia's.  She couldn't cope with the other woman's kindness right now.  She needed to be hard to get through this latest trial, and she couldn't afford to fall apart just because someone was nice to her. 

"How did this happen?" Natalia enquired softly, after making certain for herself that Doris's injury wasn't serious.  Doris opened her mouth to reply, but Blake answered for her. 

"God, it was awful," she said, scooting closer to Doris and rubbing slow, comforting circles on her lower back.  She ignored the way the other woman's spine stiffened under her touch.  "These nutjobs were just swarming round City Hall, screaming and shouting and waving these disgusting placards everywhere."  She shuddered.  "I happened to be passing just as Doris was leaving.  One of them actually threw a bottle at her!"  She turned sympathetic green eyes onto the woman beside her, who seemed to be trying very hard not to cry. 

"Where the hell were the cops?" Olivia demanded, her voice low and dangerous.  Doris scoffed. 

"Frank was there," she said darkly.  "He said it was impossible to tell which one of them threw it.  So he didn't do anything." 

Natalia reared back, appalled.  "What?  Why would he do that?"  Doris shrugged. 

"I don't think it's a secret that he doesn't like me," she ventured.  "He was the one who outed me in the newspaper you know.  God knows how he found out." 

"Oh...he saw you in a...sensitive moment," Olivia replied delicately, hoping Natalia wouldn't press the issue and figure out exactly what she meant by that.  Doris groaned. 

"Fabulous."  She covered her face with her hands.  "You know, I thought for a minute or two back there that this would be okay.  After last night...I don't know.  I thought...hoped that things would be all right."  She dropped her hands to her lap.  "But now..." she trailed off. 

Blake's face was a mask of determination.  "Those hateful bastards don't speak for the people of Springfield," she insisted.  "Don't let them grind you down.  You're going to get through this."  She straightened.  "I'm going to help you." 

Doris blinked once, then twice.  "Oh..." she murmured, taken aback at the fierceness of the defence being mounted by a woman she barely knew. 

"So am I," Natalia added softly.  Olivia stood behind her lover, resting one hand on her shoulder as she nodded. 

"And me," she said firmly.  "You're not alone." 

Doris looked up at them, the three women arrayed in her defence, and this time she did cry.  Tactfully, they all pretended not to notice. 

* * *

In the end, the simple family dinner Olivia had planned turned into a strategic planning meeting fuelled by takeout and nibbles.  "You know, this might actually turn out to be good for you," Natalia said to an incredulous Doris around a mouthful of fried rice. 

"Head trauma is good now?"  She snagged a spring roll with her chopsticks and rolled her eyes.  Natalia shot her a withering glance. 

"The violence of their reaction will turn neutral people to your side," she explained.  "And the editorial you're going to write for the _Springfield Journal_ will demonstrate how much better you are than them." 

Doris grudgingly conceded the point.  Although it wasn't she who'd be writing it - Natalia and Blake had taken on responsibility for that.  Natalia nibbled at her food as she pored over her Bible, looking for appropriate quotes for Blake to weave into Doris's article.  "Fight fire with fire," she'd said.  "There are a handful of passages in the Bible that address homosexuality but there are thousands that address hate and violence."  She'd then gone on a long rant about the hypocrisy of some so-called 'Christians' and only a hug and a kiss from Olivia had been able to quiet her. 

Olivia stood back from the table, watching her lover as she traded quips with Doris.  She was definitely holding her own.  A grin spread over Olivia's face as she watched her - articulate, confident, beautiful. 

_And mine_. 

Later, they stood shoulder to shoulder at the front door saying goodbye to Blake and Doris.  "You really don't have to drive me home, Blake - I can call a cab," Doris said after she'd received tentative hugs from Natalia and Olivia. 

"Nonsense."  Blake grabbed Doris's arm and dragged her towards the car.  "And you're staying in my spare room tonight," she said, in a tone that brooked no contradiction.  "Just in case your head injury gets worse." 

"Stop being such a mother hen," Doris muttered.  Blake just rolled her eyes and shook her head, but her reply was lost in the noise of the car door opening and thunking closed.  Olivia and Natalia watched them go, smirking when they saw through the windshield that they were still bickering. 

"Wow, Doris is going to have her work cut out putting up with that," Olivia murmured as she stepped out onto the porch.  Natalia followed her, moulding herself against her lover's side as her arms slipped round her shoulders. 

"They remind me a little of some people we know," she ventured, her eyes twinkling with mirth.  "You know...one sarcastic, stoic and reticent, the other kind and chatty and unable to take no for an answer."  She glanced up at Olivia and laughed at the stunned look on her face. 

"No matchmaking, Natalia," she sputtered at last.  Natalia grinned wolfishly. 

"Why not?  It'd stop her chasing after you."  She nudged Olivia in the side.  "I haven't forgotten exactly how Frank got to know about her, you know." 

Olivia sighed, turning so she could take Natalia fully into her arms.  "It doesn't matter who's chasing me," she whispered, softly yet firmly.  "I'm already very much caught." 

A shy smile was her reply.  "I know."  They leaned into each other on instinct and long moments were lost as they kissed, arms wrapped around each other in the dying light of the day. 

"I want to go for a walk," Natalia murmured when they separated. 

"Where?" Olivia asked, knowing that - in that moment - she would go wherever Natalia asked.  Her lover shrugged. 

"Nowhere," she said.  She gestured to the west.  "Into the sunset." 

Just as Olivia was about to reply, the phone erupted inside the house, demanding their attention.  "I'll get it," Natalia murmured.  "You go get Emma.  She can come walking with us." 

They separated when they entered the house, Olivia heading up the stairs two at a time to collect her little girl; Natalia crossing to the phone. 

When Olivia returned to the living room with Emma she found Natalia looking a little flustered.  "Yes," she said into the phone.  Then: "no," followed by: "he's getting there."  She glanced at Olivia and mouthed " _It's mom."_   Olivia raised one eyebrow.  "Huh?  Uh...yeah, she's here."  Natalia held the phone out to Olivia who looked at it as if it might bite.  "She wants to talk to you." 

Olivia took the phone gingerly and pressed it to her ear with a wince.  To her credit, though, none of her discomfort was apparent in her voice. 

"Hello Mrs Rivera, how are you?"  She paused.  "I'm very well, thank you.  We were just about to go for a little evening walk with my daughter."  She paused again, and her face softened at whatever Josephine had said.  "Thank you," she said sincerely, and her eyes landed on Natalia.  "So is yours."  There was another slight pause, and then she pulled the phone away from her ear, a look of puzzlement on her face.  "Huh," she said softly. "She hung up." 

Natalia laughed, shaking her head slightly.  "That's your mother-in-law, sweetie," she said as she took the phone from her lover and replaced it on its cradle.  When she turned around she frowned.  Olivia had gone deathly pale.  "What's the matter?" 

"I..." Olivia began, then trailed off.  "She's...that battle axe is my _mother-in-law_."  Her eyes widened.  "Oh my _God_." 

Natalia laughed and held out her hand.  Olivia grasped it, lacing their fingers together. 

"Lucky me," Natalia whispered as she tugged Olivia out the door.  Emma had already run on ahead with half a loaf of stale bread, desperate to reconnect with her cherished ducks.  "If you'd known my mom was part of the package in the first place you might have reconsidered this whole thing." 

Olivia's reply was instinctive and instant. "Never." 

They stopped on the porch for another kiss before stepping out into the twilight.  The farmhouse was warm and solid at their backs, and ahead the world spread out like a dreamland.  The dying sun glinted off the pond like the flash of tiny jewels.  It was beautiful, perfect, and worth every step of the journey, every moment of pain. 

"I love you," Natalia whispered, tightening her hold on Olivia's hand. 

"I love you too," Olivia replied. 

With that, they followed their daughter towards the pond, into the sunset. 

**The End**


End file.
